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female
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anonymous
writes: I have recently marrried a man who seem seems hell bent on insulting me. Last night I asked him if he was talking to a dog and he said "you are a do". Last week he said his friends said I look ten years older than I am and why is he with me. He constantly calls me lazy even though I work twelve housrs a day. After writing this I dont know why I need to ask for advice. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (24 July 2005):
 Tell him exactly how you feel, you dont deserve to be treated like this. He may not even realise that hes doing it! Sit him down and tell him how you are feeling and ask if there is something on his mind. You need to find out now as the longer it goes on the harder it will be. Be blunt with him and tell him that you cannot carry on like this and if you are to have a future together then you need to sort out the issue of him badmouthing you all the while. He may have some issues that he hasnt brought up as yet, so ask him how hes feeling and why he feels so angered towards him.. let him know that you want to help but your not prepared to be a doormat.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2005): There is NO reason for any man to insult his wife and you shouldn't be tolerating it. Much can be said of a person's character by the way they use their tongue and their insults should be recognized for the small mindedness they represent. Someone like this has cost you a lot of self-worth & confidence in yourself. Please remember that you are a worthy, lovable and capable person. Your husband is abusing you verbally and he needs to stop. Please remember in dealing with him when he gets like this is: Don't stoop to his level. It may be tempting to insult him back, but that might just make him nastier. It would be very valuable for you to find some quiet and calm moments when you can speak frankly with your husband. It is possible that he does not know the way you feel when he speaks to you the way that he does. He might not stop verbally abusing and admit his faults, but your words may lodge in his heart so that the next time he finds himself speaking abusively to you, they will come to his mind.
Another good step is to seek some counseling through either a pastor or a marriage and family counselor. A good counselor should have the health rather than the dissolution of your marriage as the primary focus. Please realize, verbal abuse is wrong and with proper couseling, you can empower yourself to becoming strong and starting to
set some tough boundries with him. I wish you well and remember...stay strong and if he continues...you may have to consider leaving, ...just so you can regain your sense of self-value as the wonderful, good person you are. Take Care
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (24 July 2005):
 Time to call him on it and find out why he's doing it. As HappyTimeHarry suggests, he may be influenced by something outside your relationship. He may also be trying to get a reaction from you for some reason.
Next time he insults you, don't just stand there and take it. Make sure your voice has a neutral tone, then ask him "What makes you say that?" Don't be drawn into an argument over it, just see if you can find out what's behind the aggro.
Anyone who calls you a "dog" to your face and/or complains that you're lazy when you work 12 hours a day had better be able to back up his words, and what I'm suggesting you do is give him a chance to explain what this is *really* about.
I also think that you should be more forceful about what is acceptable behaviour to you. You need to tell him something along the lines of, "Don't insult me. It's degrading and it hurts our relationship. If you have a problem with something, come out and tell me what it is, so we can deal with it."
If he's generally a good person, has common sense, and you stand your ground about this, he should un-learn that behaviour fairly quickly. But if he continues to insult you, I wouldn't hesitate to make tracks. Relationships are hard enough without needless verbal barbs.
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reader, HappyTimeHarry +, writes (24 July 2005):
I know you married him for some reason. He must have treated you right then. I suspect that he is being influenced by an outside source, maybe his friends. If you just take his insults and say nothing, then he won't get the point. You gotta be blunt with him so you can find whatever is making him think it's ok to talk down to you and work it out from there. Be bold.
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