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female
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*opeless
writes: I feel so stuck between love and hate. I haven't seen my son's father in almost four years and out of the blue I see him at the grocery store. I wanted to cry, yell, ask so many questions, but I just couldn't get up the courage.I still love him even though he hasn't been there and we've both went our seperate ways. I married his best friend and he went on to date other people .I can't stop loving him. I don't know what to do. My heart misses him so bad.
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (15 July 2005):
 Bev is right with her advice. Why did he walk away from something so precious; namely you and your child that you had together? What kind of a man doesn't have any contact at all with his son, I am assuming that he hasn't?
You know he is bad news but if you were going to say anything to him, perhaps it should have been why he hasn't kept in contact with his son.
Why did you marry his best friend? Was it on the rebound? Are you happy in your marriage?
You need to let go of the past for your own sake and work on what you have in the present. However, your son should be able to see his father which may be difficult if you don't know where he is.
Perhaps seeing a counsellor may help you resolve the issues and thoughts that are making you angry and playing on your mind.
It is very difficult to still love someone who you haven't seen for almost four years. You are remembering the memory more so but I'm afraid this is the past and you need to let go of it.
Continue building your life with your husband and work together on resolving any issues you may have there.
Good luck.
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (15 July 2005):
 Why were you afraid to approach him? Were you afraid of losing control? What do you think might have happened if you had? Would it have been a good thing, or bad?
You sound like a smart cookie... and emotionally strong. So why are you so hung up on a guy who just walked away from you and the child he fathered? What's he done to deserve you?
You haven't seen him in four years (probably a large chunk of your son's life), so he presumably hasn't had any involvement with his own flesh and blood boy, either? No child support, no doing man-stuff with his child, no giving you a break from the exhausting responsibility?
What a rat.
Why would you waste perfectly good love on a guy like that? Maybe you'd like to empty your purse down the sewer while you're at it, and roll naked in pig swill, just to complete a trinity of torments!
Here's what I think you actually feel: I think you miss what you USED TO have with this man. You miss the fantasy of a happy threesome with him and your son. You miss the good times, before he walked away. You remember his good qualities and you've conveniently forgotten about the bad stuff. And you're mistaking that little ember of happy memory for Love.
Don't debase yourself, woman. You deserve better than someone who could drop you like a bag of potatoes and then not say a word for four years. Try to focus on what you have with your husband. Remember the saying about the "grass" always being "greener"... You didn't have a great relationship with your ex, or he wouldn't have found it so easy to leave. And frankly, he doesn't sound like any prize-winner to me.
You're better off where you are. Focus on what you have, not what "might have been".
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