| A
male
,
*acenbuddy8102
writes: Hello everybody My wife of 6+ years is a tomboy to the extent that she wants to do almost everything around the house. From painting the house to electric stuff. My problem is that I don't feel good about myself because I feel that I should be doing projects. She takes control of just about every situation in of our household. I'm not lazy and am feeling left out of things that I might enjoy. I basically just keep quiet in order no to cause problems. She also watches the decorating programs to the extent that she believes she has all the right ways of doing almost everything; example- While painting our living room (and I've painted before),I suggested we spray the room. Well that just wasn't the way to do that. after all was said and done it could have saved us a lot of headaches.thanx for the answers in advance Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (24 July 2005):
 Two problems I can see from your letter. First, is that you're feeling bad about yourself because you have the notion that it's the "man's job" to do DIY projects. It doesn't have to be that way; it's probably more accurate to say that it's the job of the person who cares enough to do it. That could be either you, or your wife.
What she's doing - taking over when you start a job, then insisting on doing it her way - is a tacit way of putting you down, as if you don't have the sense to do the job correctly. It's an insult, whether or not she's aware of it. It suggests that she's insecure about something and she's using household projects as a way to give her a sense of control. The problem is that she's insisting that her strength equals your weakness, which is just not the case. And that leads me to the second problem:
The second problem is that, because you stand back and try not to make trouble, you're actually enabling her poor treatment of you. In other words, you're allowing her to do it by acting as if you AREN'T capable. You think you're "not making trouble"; but to her, you're deferring.
Short of going to counselling to learn new ways for the two of you to communicate (I recommend it, by the way), you need to take this situation in hand right away, before your wife's insecurity expands it to every project in your home. When a project is started, you need to have a verbal agreement that neither of you will interfere with the other's projects. If necessary, divide up the jobs that need doing. Let your wife select a few, and you take a few. Resolve that you'll allow her to do hers her way, and get a verbal undertaking that she'll give you the same respect. Remind her of it.
If she tries to take over "your" project, you need to remind her that you had an agreement, and that she needs to abide by it and trust your judgement. That's what it's about, you know: her trusting you.
There are two other recommendations I can make. Do look up marriage counsellors in the phone book, and go and talk to someone about your problems communicating. You can't carry on like this forever, because you're going to start feeling a lot of resentment, and your wife is going to take on much more than she can handle. (Do you really want her to attempt to re-roof the place in a thunderstorm, for example?)
The second suggestion is just to engage a tradesman for these jobs. More expensive, possibly, but also likely to save your relationship.
A
reader, pops +, writes (24 July 2005):
Talk to her. If she won't listen, talk to a marriage counselor, and ask your wife to get involved. What she is doing is terrible. How can brushing vs. spraying paint be the basis of any real argument. I suspect there is something else going on that you either don't realize, or haven't told us, or both. While she busies herself with one project, start your own. That way, the work gets done twice as fast, and the two of you can get out of the house Sounds like she needs that most of all. pops
...............................
|
