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female
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*eptSheri
writes: I met my boyfriend 9 months ago online. He was recently widowed and I recently came out of a bad relationship. After about 3 months, we were inseperable. We have had a very intense relationship, but I feel very healthy. We have discussed his deceased wife many times, I do believe, and should still be in love with her. He has told me I am very important to him, and he has feelings for me that go beyond friendship. He has recently moved to TN. We talk every day. He is so afraid of the feelings he has for me that he is willing to throw away this great relationship. He feels guilty that he is moving on in his life. I have tried to express that his wife would want him to be happy, not to feel guilty. I am so afraid of losing the one person I have met in my life that is my soul mate only to be let down again. What should I say to him, to make him understand that what he is feeling is normal but ok?
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female
reader, michelle_040385  +, writes (9 January 2008):
Hi, unfortuntly, I know exactly how this man feels. I may be only 22yrs old but in May of 07' my husband was killed in a motorcycle accident. I am now in a awesome realtionship with someone I am head over heels in love with. People may say it is too soon, but I love the guy. We are talking about moving in together. I am scared, and sometimes, afraid of what other people will think. I sometimes push this man away because of it. I cant tell you what to say to him, but here is some advice, explain how you feel about him. Tell him that the only thing that matters is what he feels. That if he wants to be with you, then he should. Dont force yourself on him though, make sure that you give him some space. I was married for 4yrs and to be out in the dating scene again is weird, and funny feeling. And maybe he is feeling the same way. Hope what I say helps.
Michelle
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2007): he is greiving... he needs time. I am not expereinced with the loss of a spouse but i have been doing some research, and it takes alot of time. he feels wrong about moving on but this should change with time, when he is ready he will make the choice that he feels ir right in his heart. all people need touch and need another one to love them. just be there for him and try your best to help him cope with the grief. eventually he'll be able to accept his wifes death and accept moving on. i hope you both find happieness
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (12 July 2005):
 Your assessment of the situation sounds correct: he's still grieving his wife and he's afraid to go further with you because of that memory.
What you're missing in this scenario is that he *really* needs his space right now. If you keep clinging to him and worrying that you're going to lose him (why?), then you'll overwhelm him and make things worse. The fact that he's "afraid" of his feelings for you means he's not ready for what you're ready for. Accept it and re-laaaaaax. It's only been 9 months, right?
What you need to tell him next time you speak about it, is that you recognise that he's still mourning his loss and that your feelings for him are such that you're willing to wait until he's ready.
After all, what choice do you have? Pushing and wheedling won't make him finish the grieving process. Neither will tapping your foot and checking your watch. He just needs time. Step back and give that to him. Consider it an exercise in altruism.
THEN, you need to tell YOU that you've been exceedingly lucky to find someone who inspires such love in you and who clearly is developing a similar intensity of affection for you. Don't worry that, simply because you're not tattooed to his forehead, that he'll forget about you. That didn't happen when he moved to Tennessee, did it?
Keep up your phone chats. Email him cheerful news when you have some. Send him a little token present occasionally, or SMS him something to show you're thinking of him, but keep it light for now. Be there for him, but be willing to give him time... and space. He'll love you more for it.
When he's ready for a relationship with you, there you'll be.
:)
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2005): It sounds like you know how important to know that he must give himself time to grieve over his loss, and that you are not simply filling a void left there by the death of his life-partner. It sounds like he respects you and realizes you can be so much more to him...so in all fairness to you, he is taking some much needed time and space to get through his grief.
It's surprising how old worries and some guilt surfaces in potential new love relationships for a widower. Even fears of being considered unfaithful to a beloved deceased spouse. And yet, when he feels ready to date you, and has the fortune of finding himself in a loving relationship with you, he will take the opportunity of a second chance at happiness?
He will most likely forever grieve his loss. Living in denial of grief’s existence will only prolong his grief recovery. Better to allow him the space time and opportunity he requires to talk about where he’s at in his grief journey. Better still to have a relationship where you, too, can talk openly and honestly about your issues regarding his grief and his past, and how they both make you feel about your friendship
Should you both go into the final step of establishing a committed relationship it's good to remember..that it's it’s no easy task to share your lover’s heart with another woman, but in a love relationship with a widower, that is precisely what you must learn to live with. But take heart – it IS possible for grief and love to co-exist! Even more encouraging is the knowledge that your boyfriend’s love for his late wife will never diminish what he feels with you! Live for the present and welcome the future by making each day count.
Good luck and I hope his journey of healing will lead him back to you. I think you should allow him the space he needs but let him know occasionally you are thinking of him. Best to go the friendship route for now and see where it leads you. Take Care
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