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male
,
anonymous
writes: I am a gay male, who is not out to anyone, other than a guy I have been seing for about 6 months now. He has a boyfriend but he lives miles away so they don't see each other much. We have been just like a couple, going out, having sex, etc - he says he loves me and conciders me just like a bf. I really love him too. However he went to visit his b.f and I became really jealous and upset. I asked him if we had a future together and he said no, it was just fun as agreed at the start. He said he only loved me as a friend, and not anything else. He apologised for leading me on but said he is in love with his b.f. I really love him though, and want to be friends with him but don't know if I can, I dont want to lose him, but I can't help my feelings. Please help!
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (18 July 2005):
 Sorry hon. There's nothing you can do.
If he did tell you at the start that it was "just for fun" then you've made a mistake in allowing yourself to fall for him.
You had to know all along that his boyfriend was still in the picture. Maybe (like a lot of us), you hoped that you could "out-compete" his distant beau and make him love you, but again, if you knew in advance he was only playing around then you've allowed yourself to be hurt through your own choice.
This is a really hard lesson, but a character-building one. The only choice left for you is whether you have the strength to still be his friend now that he's made it clear that he's still in love with his b/f, or whether that's too painful. If it were me, I'd probably choose to cut ties, at least until I'd overcome the hurt.
If it will help you heal, bear in mind that the future's not written in stone, so there's a small chance that you might link up again with him one day, but the smartest thing to do is to be brave and move on.
Get yourself out in social circles again, not necessarily looking for love, but looking for like-minded friends. There's probably a man out there that will make you every bit as happy as the one that's already taken.
Good luck.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2005): You can't lose what you don't have. Your lover has made it very clear that he loves another, and does not want anything to come from your relationship. You are the one who was dishonest with yourself, and that is why you got hurt. He has done nothing to hurt you. If you thought you would change his mind about you once he got used to being your lover, and the two of you lived together, that was you mistake, and, perhaps, a risk you decided to take. All risk taking can be, well, risky! You can win, but you can also fail. That is what has happened this time. I am sorry this relationship has not worked out for you. He may even be making a very poor mistake in his willingness to lose you. But, you can't spend your life waiting for him to realize his mistake. Get on with your life, and find a new lover. There are other men out there who will feel extraordinary lucky to find a lover like you. Pops
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