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female
,
anonymous
writes: Me and me boyfriend have been together for a week but I can't keep him talking. I've tried everything, his fave sports, future fantasies, getting his best friend on the phone with us, and just talking about my day. We are both 16 and go to the same school. I think he is really worth dating. How do I get him to talk?
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (15 July 2005):
 Don't worry about keeping him talking. Most men (and 16-year-old boys can be included in that group) are not big on constant heartfelt conversation. Men would rather *do* things than talk about things. That's not a fault; that's how they're designed.
In fact, if you'll permit me to suggest it, if you're chattering away at him incessantly trying to zero in on a topic that will make him want to chatter back to you, you're likely to just annoy and frustrate him. Allow him to be quiet, if he wants to. Maybe that's the kind of person he is. Remember, just because there's silence, doesn't mean you have to fill it up with sound!
Instead of sitting and talking, why not ask him along to go someplace with you? You can discuss what you've done at the end of the day, and maybe he'll be more in the mood for conversation when he's actually spent time on a walk with you, or some other activity.
Good luck!
A
reader, schlottjl  +, writes (15 July 2005):
 If you can't communicate, how do you know if he is worth it? In fact, many who have been through relationships with non- talkers would say that since you must devine (or guess) their thoughts and feelings, that you infact have no relationship, at least not with a real person. Rather you have a relationship with a fantasy.
If he can tell you what he wants in general and if he is direct but isn't interested in talking about your day and what his goals are in life, it could be that he just is not interested in that and nothing you attempt will work to change him.
Therefore, it is up to you to decide the next step. Do you want to give any more energy to him, even if he never changes at all? Do you think he is good enough the way he is and like exactly what you see today? If not you are in for nothing but trouble. It isn't fair to change anyone who is happy the way they are. It is okay to be different. Just realize that what works for you will not work for others. If you can't deal with the silence, find someone who will talk to you.
Anytime, but particularly when you are only one week into something, you find yourself thinking that the guy your with needs to be improved, you are not being respectful of his right to be who he is. Either move on or get your conversational needs met elsewhere.
Just keep in mind, women have 7 TIMES the language receptors in the brain and 10 TIMES the neurological connectors between emotional and language centers. You will never find the woman you are seeking to be friends with in your male relationships. That is okay! Watch little boys and little girls at play. The girls are busy practicing speech and relationships and the boys are bouncing into things, blowing them up and digging in the dirt. We are meant for different rolls.
Let men satisfy different needs in you such as safety, sexual, manual labor (jar opening!) and yes, companionship (just a different kind). Then, let your friends do the rest!
If he wants to change and asks for the help, then engage him in talks. But if he would rather do things than talk about it, learn to do things his way too.
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