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writes: My name's Claire. I'm 16 and I have been in a realationship with this guy called Sam who's 18 for about 5-6 months. I met him on the internet about a year ago and we just got on so well and were best friends! I really do love him and we can spend 24/7 together easily but thing is....in the past I have suffered with severe depression, Bipolar disorder and panic attacks. Sam has given me 100% support and cared for me and basically has seen me through. Many times he has saved my life, (as I was very suicidal and still can be.) He consistantly tells me he loves, he would never leave me and that I'm beautiful and pretty I am etc. And I have realised I'm not as insecure as I used to be but do still suffer from Bipolar but I am genuinely more happy in myself.When we first got together I was OK for a few weeks but started to get real paranoid and thought he talked to other girls and was basically 'cheating' and I guess I got real jealous of other girls being around him as they would always flirt with him, I also was jealous of his ex-girlfriend and the girls who he talked on the internet with. he did tell me everything about his past and even deleted thier emails and phone numbers to assure me and has never actually paid attention to my friends flirting and says none of them are as pretty as me and would not 'shag them for his life' and I'm not really worried about them any more but still get paranoid about the internet....even though he hardly ever uses it (or so I think)All my friends say I'm so lucky to have him and wish they could have someone who was as faithful as him etc. but I still felt paranoid and jealous even though he put the effort in to make me feel secure and beautiful and loved.... but me suffering from major depression made me very dependant on Sam and constantly craving and demanding his attention and affection. After a while he told me about the amount of pressure there was on him and how much it's kind of draining his energy. What doesn't help the situation is that it is a long distance relationship as I live in London, and he lives in Portsmouth. Most weekends he would come down and see me and when I finished school it turn into a weekly thing, which meant we would have a whole week of not seeing each other but talking on the phone at evenings for an hour. And lately I have said that I hate spending more than 2-3 days not being able to see him and not have his hug. I also realised how much I've got used the fact of sharing a bed that I get lonely and find it hard to get to sleep when I'm on my own.He said I think we seriously do spend a lot of time together (his friend James, I have to say brought this to his attention and ever since Sam wants 'time alone'). He said 'it's 24/7 and you’re very dependant on me' and I must admit it's true but it's just because I'm 16 and have left school, waiting to start collage and is difficult to find a job and basicallly just want fun at the moment but just carave that some kind of stability of collage, a job, being with him and time with friends. 'The Balance.'He said that he has spent a lot of money on petrol to see me and super needs to sort a job out himself and even owes his mum £200!So basically he’s pretty much broke to do anything but I seriously don't mind what we do and always give him petrol money if we go out in the car, or pay for a travel card to spend a day walking around London, or buy cinema tickets and spend an evening going to the movies. I just basically want to spend time with him. I do love the times when we just stay home an watch tv or go internet.... I just love being with him. I would never go and cheat on Sam, I couldn't even though I have a 101 temptations such as my ex Alan, men on the streets men on the internet, guys I know... but I'm constantly fighting against it. Sam sometimes does worry that I will actually meet someone who I thinks better than him, but I know I won't I really don't like anyone else apart from Billie Joe from Green Day! But what I really need is some advice on how Sam can feel like has 'space' and how I can stop being so dependant on him and stop the little arguments, jealousy and paranoia about things??? Please Help />yours sincerlyClaire
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2009): Girl I've thought for the longest time that I was the ONLY person with this problem. I am also 16 and my boyfriend of 1 year 2 months is 18. Our relationship has gone through so many things but that's what makes our love so strong. Let's just say we have both made a lot of bad mistakes in the past that have really crushed one and other.on top of that I have a REALLY bad temper. So in the past whenever we would get in big fights it would get extremely heated and I would just break up with him. I felt it was an easy way out andin the moment I would just do it. By the next day we would be back together. It was a very bad pattern lol. Anyways, basically for the past year and 2 months I made a bad mistake and didn't realize it but I completly dropped my friends. Him and I would hang out EVERY single day. Were so attached to eachother. But now things have started to shift a bit... Its his senior year and he's getting ready for college. I am SO scared that he will leave me once he gets so involved and has so much fun in college. He is also very involved with basketball right now since its basketball season. He never calls or textes me anymore and it breaks my heart. I feel like were drifting apart. I try to hang out with friends since him and I can't hang out as much anymore but its so hard. Because I miss him so much. I get obbsessed and constantly text and call... Eventually I get worked up and get super mad and bitch him out in long texts.. Then he gets mad and ignores me even more. He knows it bugs me and makes me go crazy for him. It goes both ways so Its almost like he's playing games so he knows he is in control. I have no self disipline so its hard for me to not let mysef text or call him but I do it the best I can. I do everything to keep myself distracted and at least pretend I have a life. I try to goout with friends as much as possible. And eventually he starts to text me.. Call me... Want to hang out. He starts to miss me. And I'm currently sitting next to my lover right now. I spent the night at his house last night and were laying here eating cereal and watching movies. Stay Strong babe. Give him the space he wants as much as you can. Eventually hell go crazy and realize that's not what he wants at all. Ever heard the saying "you don't knowwhat you've got till its gone" ;) take it how you want. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2009): first of all i know exactly where you're coming from. I've been dating my guy for 1 year and 7 months and i'm TOTALLY IN LOVE! The problem is i think am to obssesive. I constantly call him and even though he says i'm not doing anything wrong i still feel like i'm driving him crazy. But if he's still around i must be doing something right you know. Just follow you're heart and from past experiences for crying out loud LISTEN TO YOU'RE BOYFRIEND AND WHAT HE SAYS!
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reader, pistongirl25  +, writes (9 April 2009):
I understand completely what you are going through. I have been with my boyfriend for 9 months. We lived together for about a month and then he told me I needed to move out but didn't want me to move until I had a place. Well in the mean time I tried patching things up with my parents which is the first reason I moved in with him. Ever since then I was going to his house every night for like 5 days straight for about 8 months and now it has finally caught up with him. He tells me he isn't the right state of mind but I think that might be an excuse but I'm not sure. Phone calls and texts are far and few between. I don't really go out with my friends anymore since I am always at his house or worrying about school. It hurts sometimes very much but the only thing you can do is let the guy come to you. I know it is hard but there is no reason to push something cause if you do that they will get angry and end it for sure. I always want to be around him and now that I am back at home it is very hard to sleep too but I have the teddy bear he gave me for Valentine's Day so at least its something. It may sound gay but it helps. Just hang in there girls hopefully it will get easier on all of us. Take it day by day and if it doesn't get any easier then peace out. Seriously there a million guys out that that are waiting for precious girls like us.
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reader, stevens little angel +, writes (19 October 2008):
well you know something I have that same problem with my boyfriend I know that you want to have him wrapped up in your arms all the time and want him to call you and text you and want him to be around you so that you know that he isn't doing anything with other girls... Ive been there and I am there right now. I want him to keep his eyes on me the whole time and when he doesnt he makes me so hurt that I just want to have the strength to bear it but sometimes it just doesnt work out that way... I come running back to him and tell him that I'm sorry for being so controlling...but i wish that I knew what to do sometimes... people tell me to just let him go if he comes back then its true love and your the only one he wants he will return. I have tried to get rid of my controllness and tried to be less parinoid about little things, but anyways enough about me I just wanted to let you know that your not the only one in this world with these problems i have them too and a lot of grils/wemon feel that way but the truth is that if he didnt want you he would have already left you. he would be with all them other girls not you... you can give him the space he needs by going out with your friends or destracting yourself he will end up missing you and want to talk to you more trust me i am trying it and it is working.
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reader, stevens little angel +, writes (19 October 2008):
well you know something I have that same problem with my boyfriend I know that you want to have him wrapped up in your arms all the time and want him to call you and text you and want him to be around you so that you know that he isn't doing anything with other girls... Ive been there and I am there right now. I want him to keep his eyes on me the whole time and when he doesnt he makes me so hurt that I just want to have the strength to bear it but sometimes it just doesnt work out that way... I come running back to him and tell him that I'm sorry for being so controlling...but i wish that I knew what to do sometimes... people tell me to just let him go if he comes back then its true love and your the only one he wants he will return. I have tried to get rid of my controllness and tried to be less parinoid about little things, but anyways enough about me I just wanted to let you know that your not the only one in this world with these problems i have them too and a lot of grils/wemon feel that way but the truth is that if he didnt want you he would have already left you. he would be with all them other girls not you... you can give him the space he needs by going out with your friends or destracting yourself he will end up missing you and want to talk to you more trust me i am trying it and it is working.
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reader, Punkygirl +, writes (14 July 2008):
Hey, i've had the same problem i've been with my boyfriend 3 or 4 years lost track, we live states apart i live in washington state and he lives in el paso texas we're long distances he came to see me only once, and me atleast a dozen times on my dime. how are you suppose not spend time with someone who you've been apart from alot? its a bit different anyway i just dont get how you can be with somebody you doesn't want your time atleast an hour a day.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 May 2008): sounds alot like my situation! im 18, my boyfriends 24. we've been together for about 5 months, and we fell fast and hard for each other. this is one of my first "real" serious relationships, but he has been in serious relationships before. he tells me that he has never felt this way about a girl before and that he WILL marry me! you would think that hearing that from someone you love who has expirence with relationships and never talked about marraige with someone else would give you the reassurance you need in a relationship, right? well not with me. idk why, but i constantly need to know that he loves and cares for me. latley he has been pulling away from me and not wanting to spend as much time with me. we used to spend every night together, but now we only spend about two nights a week together. (his idea) its hard for me to sleep because im so used to his comfort at night. i worry constantly about nothing. i know he is faithful to me. i just worry about him in general. he just moved out to my state. its hard on him to be so far away from his family (clear on the other coast) and his family is having alot of problems and giving him grief. also- he is an ex drug addict and is still dealing with the pressures and temptations from it but knows he needs to stay away. he is currently unemployed and is having no luck looking for a job. he's living with his best friends parents.. i pay for the dates, and he feels worthless. he's going through a rough time right now, so you can kinda see why he wants his space. im also going through a slight depression. we deal with them differently.. he wants his alone time, but when im upset i want someone there. no i dont want just anyone there.. i need HIM there. but still, i constantly think about him, want to be with him, call him.. ect... im trying my hardest to give him his alone time, but for some reason it seems to be the hardest thing ive ever done. now that college is out, i dont do much during the day (i dont have cable or anything so i get bored easily), and i work for only about 4 hours a night. he goes out to the bar to get away, knowing im underage and cant get in.. which seems to make things worse. he confronted me about wanting his alone time, and i just need a little encouragement. its nice to see that im not the only one going through this. so stay in there girl- we gotta give our man some space or we will end up loosing us in the long run. and i know that it may seem hard now, but it will be so worth it in the future!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2008): Oh Claire, you are still so young. I am 22 and i've been with my fiance for almost a year and a half. We took things a little quickly and got engaged 5 months after dating and moved in together 6 months after dating.
I also suffer from severe depression, anxiety and paranoia, so I definitely know how you feel.
Reading all the reponses from these wonderful ladies has really helped me and I hope I can give you some advice that will help you too. After reading all this I just texted my fiance and told him "I'm sorry for being so clingy and will try from now on to give him space."
I think by getting offended when he tells me how he feels is ruining our relationship. His best friend moved in downstairs from where we rent a room and whenever I go to bed he goes downstairs to hang out with his friend, I get so upset because it hurts to go to bed alone and wake up in the middle of the night alone, and it bothers me SO much and i tell him but I suppose i'm too dramatic and it's really not a big deal to him, but it is too me. But i really have to try to let it go and be okay with it. He's a 25 year old man and i can't control him.
I cry a lot and threaten to leave and it honestly only works for so long until they stop caring and call your bluff.
Good luck, i'm going to take all these responses with me and utilize them in my everyday life... or at least i hope.
This weekend i'm going to an outlet mall with my mom and sister and maybe he can hang out with his brother... i just need to stop being so paranoid that he'll leave and not pick up my phone calls or not come back when i get home. I just honestly hate being alone... i loathe it indefinitely.
I'm currently taking anti-depressants and i really don't think they're working, but my problems are more than likely all in my head.
I know it's hard, but would you rather be depressed and with someone with whom you're making depressed as well? Or alone and depressed? I think the latter would hurt even more.
Give him his space and don't let it affect you, or at least try because your relationship is worth... i think i should take my own advice.
Take care,
Catherine
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reader, masonandaidensmommy +, writes (26 April 2008):
Hey Claire,
You know I'm having the same problem with my boyfriend. In the beginning I was so in love with him but kept it "flirtatious" and here lately after he spent 2 1/2 months with me straight I kinda got dependent on him & having him around. I've come up with a list of things that I'm going to do. Such as only contact him 2 or 3 times a day. What I mean by that is, you being the first to contact him other than that, let him contact you. The other thing I'm going to do is move the computer out of my bedroom and back into the living room. I'm also going to find ways to get our "flirtatious" relationship back and let him step up and do the things he did in the beginning. I also agree with Bev 100%. She hit the nail on the hammer with that one. I would take her advice fully.
Hang in there.
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reader, Confuddled77  +, writes (19 March 2008):
 I've been seeing this guy for 6 months now and we're in a LDR. He's on a completely different continent which makes it a bit hard but we see it through the difficult times. This past week he's been acting distant, not initiating webcam on MSN as eagerly as he use to when I got home from work so he could see me, not saying that he misses me and that he loves me as freely as he use to. And last night I confronted him about it. He said that he thinks we're "together" too much and that he wants some time out to feel what it's really like to miss me. "How can I miss you if you won't go away?" I guess those words ring true. there hasn't been a day that we haven't spent apart, maybe over new year when he visited some friends down south. He's going to visit his friends this weekend and I'm giving him the space he wants. I usually send him these PM's which have walls of text but today I just sent one telling him that I miss him and I love him. Once a day is what it's going to be compressed into from now on. He still loves me, I still love him, I just don't want to smother him so much with affection that it will eventually drive him away. Give your boyfriend some time away from you. Give him his space. If he loves you as much as you say, he'll miss you and would want to start spending more time with you. I know it hurts like crazy when you don't get to see him or hear from him but in the end you're the one who's going to benefit from it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2007): I am in a similar situation but completely different at the same time. I am 25 and I have been in several relationships before ( am saying this so you know it doesn't matter your age or if it's the frst relationship)and the guy I am seeing just got back from being deployed in the military. While he was gone he told me when he gets back he wants to spend every minute with me because he misses me so much but now that he's back he says he doesn't feel the spark anymore. He wants his space and is a completely different person. It hurts the most because I do feel the spark he lacks and I do want to spend every minute with him. He says it may just be getting back from deployment that is causing this. But the fear that the guy that I fell in love with is gone to me forever is the most depressing thought imaginable. It feels like he got amnesia.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2007): Hello,
My bf is my high school sweetheart but we both went to separate schools for college. We're about 2.5 hours from one another and it kills me. He's very independent all he has to do is play his warcraft and he's good to go. But me on the other hand...well I tend to be needy and very much 'clingy.' Some things that have helped me to not pick up the phone and call him for the 2nd - 3rd time a day is by getting a hobby (I do needle felting and polymer clay and also write in a journal) and also I've joined a sorority which is wonderful because I am surrounded by a great group of friends I can go to instead of clinging to my boyfriend so much. Maybe you could join a club which interests you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2007): im 16 too and i have been with my boyfriend for a year and 3 months now..i feel the same way you do..i see him once a week because we live a while away..i get severely depressed when i dont see him even for a day..i wish that i could do something about this problem..because its really tearing me apart and causing me to cry and be depressed all the time..i just love him so much
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2007): I know how you feel too, last year i couldnt go a day without seeing my boyfriend, time would slow up and i'd cry all day. I've gradually got used to not seeing him for a day or two but i still have this thing about spending the weekend with him and if i don't i get really depressed and turn into a different person i get really jelouse too. He hates that part of me and i'm so grateful that he still loves me dispite of it.It can be a real drag and i just wish i could be ok without him as it would give both of us a breath of fresh air.
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reader, miss_minx22 +, writes (14 October 2005):
Hi Claire,
I know EXACTLY how you feel! I'm 22 and I have been suffering from panic attacks and anxiety/depression/paranoia for about a year now...I've been with my bf for just over 3 years and he's 21.
I can relate completely to your message, and I just wanna find a way of not being so clingy and paranoid all the time too, coz it's horrible for me and not so great for him either.
Dunno if you wanted to chat at all, but if you want you can.
Miranda
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reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (21 July 2005):
 Hi Claire,
You know already that you really need to back off and give Sam some space, or you're going to drive him off with your neediness.
Start by recognising that he's already been a wonderful friend to you and has helped you by building up your self-esteem, showing you how special you are to him. But also recognise that you can only squeeze so much juice out of an orange. Eventually, you can squeeze all you like, but there's nothing left. What you're doing to Sam with your constant clinging and dependance is wringing him emotionally dry. He's told you as much. Now you have to learn not to lean on him for a while, so he can recover from being your Superman.
What are you giving to Sam in return for all he's done for you? Well, from your letter it doesn't seem like very much, except more demands for his time, energy and love. That's hardly fair to someone you care so much about!
It's great that you feel so good about him and that you love his friendship so much that you want to be with him all the time, but the truth is that constant togetherness is a sure way to kill off a good relationship. People need down time. They need to have a chance to relax and be themselves. There's an old song lyric that goes "How can I miss you if you won't go away?" Don't blame his friend James for pointing out the obvious. It's not James' fault that you're having trouble setting boundaries for yourself.
Accept that you're still really young and this is probably one of your first "serious" relationships. It's new, it's wonderful, it's exciting... but it can be destroyed!
First things first. Give Sam some time off. Tell him that you care a lot for him, but you know that you've been demanding of his time, and ask him if he'd like to slow things down for a while. Be open to seeing him less, so he has a chance to catch his emotional breath. Having a girlfriend with suicidal tendencies and bipolar disorder must be completely exhausting!
Next, cultivate some other interests that you can enjoy on your own or with your other friends. You mention walking around London and going to the movies. Why not do these things with a family member or a friend, to keep your mind off Sam for a bit? Walk through the Botanical Gardens, take an evening class.... anything you want.
Third, remember the wise (though cliched) words from Time Immemorial: "If you love something, set it free". Sam has chosen to be with you. If he didn't want to be with you, he'd be with one of those other girls. Since he isn't you have to assume that you're more important to Sam than they are. Accept that fact and enjoy it.
I hope things work out for you.
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