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female
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*LoverofAngels
writes: I am a fifteen year old girl in high school, and to help prepare for college entrance exams (the SAT Subject Exams), my parents hired a tutor for me. However, this tutor (a 26 year old college graduate) seemed to be the perfect man I had envisioned, and after spending two hours a day, for three days a week for several weeks, I fell completely head over heels for _dei (the tutor). After pining after him for four months, I confessed to him that I like him, to which he told me that I was still young, and pushed me away without a clear response on anything. Now, I am trying to get over this young man, but I see him every day, and neither that nor his giving me the cold shoulder seem to be helping; in fact, I like him more and more each day. But it hurts so much to look at him, to talk to him, ad I can't sleep nor eat. Am I really that much of a sadist? How do I get over him? Help! Reply to this Question
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (18 July 2005):
 I think the other answers were more focused upon why you can't have a relationship with your tutor and I bet, as an intelligent young woman, you are already aware of this!
I think your tutor actually handled the situation rather badly and is continuing to do so. I believe he should have made it clear to you why he felt a relationship was wrong instead of simply giving you the brush off without reason plus the fact that he is being cold to you now.
Indeed, he did the right thing but he should have handled it a little bit more carefully.
So, while you know you can't have a relationship with him, what can you do now to get over what you feel?
Can you change tutors by mentioning that you feel perhaps you aren't learning as much as you would like?
I know you don't want to do this but it would be a way to get over him. Right now, you are still seeing him and it isn't helping matters.
Look elsewhere for enjoyment such as being with your friends and pursuing activities that will take your mind off this.
When you have a lesson with him, try to keep in mind that you can't have a relationship with him and that longing for him is a waste of time. Again, I know this is hard which is why it would be better if you no longer had him but you need to remember that he isn't the one for you and anyway, would you really want someone who could be so cold to you? That could actually happen if you did have a relationship with him. Its making you want him more because then he becomes a challenge, you want to get his attention but please, give up. A man who can be like that, no matter what the reasons, is a man you want to keep away from. They tend to hurt people Im afraid.
Keep all this in mind. You will get over him, having other distractions will help. You need to boost your confidence by being with your friends.
I really hope this helps.
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (18 July 2005):
 Your tutor did the right thing. He was completely honest with you, and declined to change your teacher-student relationship. There a good ethical reasons (as well as the obvious legal ones) why he did this, so you need to understand that although he would have been a little flattered - a natural response - there's no way that you can pursue a relationship with him.
Take note of the characteristics that this man possesses that you find attractive, and consider finding a man closer to your own age with those same qualities. You'll enjoy a relationship much more deeply if you're both intellectual and social equals, something that's missing in the tutor/learner equation.
Focus on learning all this man can teach you in his special field(s), but recognise that he's not interested in you romantically. And truthfully, if he were, there'd be something very disturbing about him. (A man in his mid-20s who'd date underage girls is a red flag. It suggests someone who can't connect with adult women, and someone who has control issues.)
Be assured that this stage will blow over. Make this experience to your advantage by noting his better qualities, as I've said, and focus on those lads in your own age group. When you get to uni, you'll probably find a lot more young men with the same attributes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2005): You are way too young for a relationship with a 26 year old college grad. Think about it from his point of view. You are his student, because you are still learning basics, while he has mastered them, and advanced educational work, too. He teaches because he is able to do so. You can't do that yet, because you are still learning. That makes a very wide gulf between you, educationally, socially, not to speak of the difference in age. You are " Jail Bait", in that the law says you are not old enough to consent to any sexual activity. There may even be enhanced penalties attached to any crime he might commit should he get involved with you.
You should not be surprised that you have fallen in love with your tutor. It is most common, and the nicer he is, the more you like him. That is what happens to girls your age. You are curious about boys, and trying to decide what characteristics you want in the man in your life when you are grown. Of course you want that man to be nice, and considerate. It also helps that he is better educated, and can teach you new things. But there is much more to a relationship than these characteristics. Enjoy the feelings you are having, and understand you are not going to have a relationship with this Tutor. Within a few months, you may not even like him very much. That would also be normal. Admire your tutor for what he is, and find a boy your own age to spend time with. I know that boys your own age are younger in maturity and can still be monsters around girls. But, look behind the ranks of the show-offs, and find one of those guys in the background that acts shy around girls. He is the guy you want to get to know. Pops
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