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female
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*opeless
writes: I think my marriage is just about to be over me and my husband do nothing but fight anymore. He don't ever ask me to do anything with him. He always wants to hang out with my sister and her boyfriend and I just found out that I'm the topic of their conversations and the punch line to their jokes. Heck anymore they laugh about me to my face. I love my husband, it's been 8 years for us. I've been with him since I was 15 so I don't know the dating world and I'm afraid that if he does leave I'm the one to be left alone. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, problemgirl  +, writes (23 April 2007):
i cant believe i am reading this these two people have no respect for you,i cant imagine the hurt you must be feeling right now my god your sister should be standing up for you not kicking you while your down,i would leave the husband and keep some distance from your sister these two are either having an affair or else they are bullies,stand up to your husband and tell him its got to stop or your gone!!! you deserve much better then those two people in your life hope it works out for you
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reader, becky05 +, writes (17 July 2005):
How dare they!
I would have a serious word with both of them and make it clear that their 'jokes' upset you and you want them to stop....NOW!
If they know you feel this way they may buck up their ideas and see what a couple of gits they are!
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reader, schlottjl  +, writes (17 July 2005):
 Before you do anything permanent, you need some tools to help you get by today. There are words you can use that will shine light on their behavior and make you feel better when this happens.
Try this when they make fun of you:
Example, They say you are not the sharpest knife in the drawer. You say, " Wow, It's too bad you feel that way." Or, if your bold, "That is not funny to me." Or, "It is sad that you have to hurt someone to feel like you are funny. I think you are funnier when you don't rely on emotional abuse." Or, "Gee honey that hurts, I you need to start treating me with respect.”
My boyfriend hung around a few guys from work for a while and he started into this behavior. Each and every time any joke was made about me, I shot it down with absolutely no humor using one of the phrases above. It quickly worked. People who want to have fun will quickly change their tune. It is not funny what they are doing and they will realize that too if you do not let them get to you, do not try to laugh it off, and look at them in they eye and refuse to take it. If you are caught off guard and freeze for a moment just look baffled and as if they were crazy and a bit pathetic.
If it escalates, say sternly that you will not tolerate being abused and tell your sister that you will not tolerate her attempting to ruin your marriage. Say that in front of your husband. If she continues, walk out and go see a movie or go for a ride. Stay out about an hour at least. Show them that you have a life and do not need their company. If you have a friends house to go to visit with them. If you have any say (try if you don't know,) tell them that if it continues and they can't get creative enough to be funny while not violating someone, then they will no longer be welcome in your home.
DO go to counseling and ask your husband that he join you. If he refuses, go alone. Do not tolerate the abuse. So long as it remains verbal and emotional, you may take some time to decide with the help of a counselor what you need to do next. If you need to move out for a short time, do so. You do not need to think of divorce just yet.
However, if after all this and after you begin to heal the wound that attracts abusive people to you, then you can think of a permanent end. So long as you allow this, you will only end up with another guy who does the same thing. Unfortunately, there is something that you do that subconsciously tells abusers that you are fair game. Find out what that is and your whole life will change. (Whatever it is, please do not think that I mean that you deserve bad treatment. YOU DO NOT! Often, nice people can be so to a fault. Listen to your instincts when your feelings are hurt sternly stand up for yourself but do not attack.) Do not let them tell you that you are too sensitive.
Don't fear being a stick in the mud. Healthy people pity them and think what they are doing is wrong. Meditate on that if you need to. Give them all a chance to realize in no uncertain terms that they are acting abusively. Repeat “ I’m sorry you feel that way a million times if necessary. They will get sick of it! Besides, your sister is made from the same recipe and your husband chose you. What does it say about them?
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female
reader, angelina +, writes (16 July 2005):
I agree with everything Bev said. Since your husband has been a part of your life for so long, it's probably hard for you to imagine your life without him or with someone else. Oftentimes people would rather live with the misery of the familiar, rather than risk making a change.
I urge you to see a counselor. Seeing a counselor does not mean anything bad, it doesn't mean you're crazy. Not only have I been seeing one for a long time, but I am a counselor myself and none of my clients are "crazy." Most of them are just normal people who need an objective person to help them talk through their problems.
If your husband won't go with you, go alone. This is the first step to take in deciding whether to stay with your husband or whether to leave, and the counselor will be a source of emotional support to help you deal with the scariness and the risk of making changes in your life, if that's what you decide to do.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (16 July 2005):
 I really feel for you, dear.
You've been with your husband since you were only a kid and you don't know any better than the way he's treating you... which, by the way, is shamefully.
What you should be considering is: Is being with your husband (fighting, isolated, butt of his jokes) better than the possibility of being alone?
If you think about all that's changed since you married your husband, and the way that you'd wish things were, you'll decide that the chance of being alone isn't such a scary thing.
Think of it this way: if you weren't dating or married to anyone, and I offered you the choice of staying single or being married to someone who doesn't care about you and makes fun of you to your face, which would you choose?
The very fact that you've been with him since you were in your teens probably makes it seem like a really big step to choose to leave, but I think you'll thank yourself if you do. When you get away from his verbal abuse (that's what it is) and get a chance to see it in perspective, you'll realise that you're being treated badly, and your resentment about that is probably causing the arguments.
I urge you to speak to your husband about this. You need to tell him that it hurts when he makes fun of you. Tell him that you don't want any more of that, that you won't put up with that because you're equals in this relationship. Tell him that he needs to work on your marriage with you by going to a marriage counsellor. If he won't do that, you should consider going by yourself, so that you can talk to someone about the arguments and your relationship with him and with your sister.
If your husband can't pull himself together and start treating you with respect, please get out. You're still young and I know that you can find someone else, who'd like to try to make you happy.
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