| A
female
,
anonymous
writes: My next door neigbour is a very loving person, with many problems in her life. As a friend I try to be there for her as she does me. The problem is she is very lonely and I have often given her advice on how she can help herself, as all she does is sit every day drinking. Financially lately I have not had a lot of money, yet I get by. We had a row and I have hurt her, by saying I do not want her to keep giving to me every day. Her giving is from bottles of wine, food, clothes and whatever she thinks I need. Yet I am not in need of this, more so from her as she herself has no money. I have said many many times No thank you, yet I don't understand what part of No she doesn't understand. She is also always on the phone, as well I can't escape from just saying hello to her as we live in flats that have no privacy, so see each other every day. I also try and sneak in my home, yet she hears the gate go and always greets me, wanting my time and company every day. If she can't see my car she is on the phone asking if I am ok. I feel pretty selfish writing this as its wonderful to give, and to have such a caring friend, but I find this all is getting on my nerves. If I go out it's where have you been and when I get in and she hasnt seen me, its what time did you come home. Its getting too much and I dont know what to do. Can you advice me. Thank you Kathy.............
View related questions:
money, neighbour Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2005): oh my goodness... I know what that's like. So I'll tell you how it would be best received, as I was mostly on that end:
"(Neighbour), I can't begin to appreciate all you do for me, and it would make me happy to do something for you for a change. Would you be a sweetie and allow me a week, YES a week, to think about what I want to do? I really want to surprise you so you can't ask or peek. Ok? See you next week." .. and then refuse to answer the phone or the door if it's her, saying (if necessary) "NO PEEKING!"
A
reader, becky05 +, writes (17 July 2005):
What a nightmare!
You have to tell your neighbour firmly that you will not accept any more of her gifts as this makes you feel uncomfortable.
tell her you need time to yourself and youd appreciate it if she called round less often.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2005): Your neighbor is being very manipualtive and selfish in a passive-aggressive manner. No, Kathy..you aren't being selfish. You just have a clear understanding of what entails a healthy, positive friendship. Sometimes, it is better to avoid getting closely involved with a person or to just end the friendship. You may want to stop being friends with your neighbor or ease away in any way you can. Especially if she is violating your boundaries or wants you to be their friend only & wants you to spend all your time with them. Sounds like she is a emotioanlly needy person and she likely doesn't even realize it. It's obvious she's lonely and has latched on to you in a clingy, unhealthy way. Nothing drives off people faster than the emotionally needy. Before you end the friendship, you may want to talk to her about her troubling behavior, in a nice way. Tell her if she stops doing it, you may be able to continue your friendship with her but let her know you need some SPACE. This will take courage on your part but it should be done.
People who get lonely and needy quite often are self-centered and it's that self-centeredness that always leads to problems. It always leads to more loneliness and misery. It's a vicious cycle and your neighbor should seek some support & understanding about it from a professional who can help her see how her needy behaviour is impacting her life. Be strong..don't allow her to manipulate you. I wish you luck with this problem. Take Care.
...............................
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (15 July 2005):
 Kathy, your neighbour is taking advantage of you. Instead of having her own life, she's decided to appropriate yours. It might help you to understand that the reason she's so interested in stopping and talking, and knowing all your business is that she's incredibly bored with her own life. You're better than a reality TV program to her, because you're "interactive"! The only way to stop this is to gently but firmly pull away.When you stop acting like her "performing seal", she may resent you and you might, in fact lose her as a friend for a short time. But I suggest that she'll warm back up in time. In any event, could you be worse off than you are now? You're full of resentment and she's prying into your life as she wastes hours of your time. I don't mean to say that you need to make an enemy of her, but you can probably afford to lose a "friend" who demands that you be her single source of entertainment.The next time she asks you where you've been, you don't have to answer. She doesn't have any "right" to know, so just tell her "Oh, running errands, going to work... You know how it is! Sorry, but I don't have time to talk."Likewise with her phone calls, let them go to voicemail. Return them if you feel like it, and give her minimal information. Remember, she's demanding of you things that she has no right to, and "it takes two to tango". She's taking advantage of you because you're allowing it. She'll only learn to stop pressing you for your personal details when you stop giving them to her.Be strong.
...............................
|
