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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi, my problem is this. I've lived with my boyfriend for the past two years. I sometimes get grumpy as do most women I'm sure. However my boyfriend really hates this and every time we have the smallest of arguments he gets pissed off and stormes out. Then he confuses me and makes me think it is always my fault. I admit I can sulk from time to time but I try hard not to. My question is, is he right to get so angry and ignoring me for being short with him or is he overreacting a little sometimes? It's really getting to me. I just want to know how to handle it. I have always been kind of emotional. Reply to this Question
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reader, becky05 +, writes (17 July 2005):
He probably doesnt know how to handle it when you are grumpy and this is why he storms out.
If you genuinely believe that he has been acting wrongly, you need to talk to him and tell him how you feel. Tell him why you are sulky sometimes. If he wont communicate however, maybe you need to find someone who understands you better.
A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (16 July 2005):
 First, to your boyfriend: Getting ticked off and storming out of the house is not a valid response to a small argument. Neither is blaming the other party in the argument.
Your boyfriend really REALLY needs to work on constructive ways to deal with anger, because he's skating close to the edge when he loses control like that. He needs to learn that making you "wrong" doesn't necessarily make him "right". It just fosters resentment, which leads to more disagreements.
Now to yourself: In regards to your sulking, a great fantasy movie character once said, "You do, or you do not. There is no 'try'".
You can't "try" not to sulk. You're an adult. You either sulk or you don't; it's you doing the choosing. If you feel a pout coming on, you shake it off and choose to do something else. You're no prisoner to your emotions.
Think about what you're doing when you sulk. You're actually wanting to *punish* your boyfriend for angering you. You want him to feel regret, you want him to feel hurt for hurting you, and that's so juvenile! You want him to offer to apologise. THAT'S what you're sulking about. Remember that, and remember how childish it is, and you'll have better control over it.
Neither one of you sounds like you know how to disagree without arguing, so you may want to explore your options to improve your communication skills, such as couples counselling. There are lots of good books written about this topic too. "Instant Persuasion" by Laurie Puhn is a place you can start to learn about having a constructive disagreement. Here's a website too: http://conflict911.com/guestconflict/arguecontext.htm
The next time that one of your little disagreements threatens to spin out of control, stop yourself - you know you can - and tell your boyfriend, "No, we're arguing about something so small, it's stupid. Let's forget this and do something different. This isn't important." Don't let him goad you, because it sounds a bit like he gets off on the tension that you two create. If you have to get some space between you, feel free to go, but be sure you do it in a civilised way: "Look, I need some time to cool off. I'm going to my sister's, and I'll be back by 3. If you need me, I'll be there." Then, go.
You're in a pattern of arguments here, and you have to take some big steps to get out of that pattern. Let your boyfriend know that that's what you're doing and ask him to be as adult about it as you are.
Good luck. Hope this helps.
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