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anonymous
writes: I met a man about my age and we hit it off wonderfully. He lived about 2 hours away from me but we managed to get together for fun dates. He was handsome, polite, funny, charming and he treated me with utmost respect and he seemed genuine. We had s few dates and the physical attraction was incredibly overwhelming. He tried to get to first base with me a number of times but I held off because I wasn't ready but I admit I had a hard time resisting him and holding him off. As I wanted to make love to him just as badly.Then one night, it happened. We went to bed together and he and I had a fantastic time. The sex was great! It was fun-it was carefree-it was exhilarating. We both enjoyed the experience immensely.After the night was over..he didn't ignore me but he changed. If we e-mailed each other..he acted like nothing happened between us-like I meant nothing to him. Although our relationship was just getting off the ground and there was no committment, I had thought we had a great start in the right direction...so I was hurt and confused when he just pretended like nothing happened...and I felt very used. He still emailed me and we talked on the phone,but he still acted like "nothing" had happened.Our conversations were short..he was terse and not flirty like he had bee "before" we had the night together. Convinced I had been conned by a "player"...I wrote him an e-mail and I told him, we were through-I basically dumped him in record time! (thanks but no thanks) He never responded back...ever. I often wondered ..why do men do this to women? He had me so convinced he was a confident man of integrity. We had no committment..was I expecting too much from him..too soon or was I really conned???All advice would be greatly appreciated.
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reader, thats1foru +, writes (21 July 2005):
I think that it just time to move on. Enjoy the memories of what you both share and move on. Remember that he was just an image of what you want and not the real thing. When the real thing comes along you will know it because he will still be there not matter what. Are you sure that this man was not married or had a girlfriend on the side. Just pray and ask God for the real thing to come along next time.
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reader, pops +, writes (19 July 2005):
There are men out their with the best of intentions, who are so lonely that they will try to find someone who will love them, just so they can feel again. But, for any number of reasons, they cannot make the kind of commitment they believe is necessary to be honorable to the woman. He may have more schooling to attend to achieve his career goals, and doesn't have the time, or money to support a relationship the way he was taught was his proper role. He may have business plans that are going to take him away from the area for months or years, and not want to start something up that will be interrupted by a long absense. This will break his heart as much as hers. When I was a young man, I fell head over heals in love with a young woman I met during a summer school program. We spent all our time together, and we really did fit each other. When I returned home, I knew that after a couple of letters, I would never see or hear from her again. It broke my heart. I decided then that I would not start anything I was not prepared to finish, particularly when it came to my feelings. Talk to him, and ask him why he won't talk to you about that wonderful episode of sex. Tell him how great it was for you- not just the physical side, but the emotional approach you two shared having sex. Ask him to talk, or write you about this. Maybe then he will open up and tell you why he is reluctant for the relationship to go further. Has he had a disaster in the past? I know men who have been badly hurt by women, and don't trust other women afterwards, sometimes for years, and sometimes for the rest of their lives? If he is one of these walking wounded, you may be better off without him, until he gets professional help. pops
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2005): Speaking from experience, when a man seems "too good to be true" it often means he is!
I'm presuming from the distance apart you live, and that you communicated via email that you met online? It's possible that he may have done, and still be doing this to several women. Without seeming cynical, it is easier for a serial philanderer to use women who live a distance from him. Plus, I think that fact that he tried it on numerous occasions showed that he was more interested in getting you into bed than getting to know you.
Please don't be disheartened, this man is the one with the problem, not you. These types of men are very persuasive and charming, as an intelligent woman you probably feel a little foolish that he pulled the wool over your eyes! Please take heart that any woman, no matter how beautiful and clever she is, can be taken in at any time by a charmer (and I know myself, I have.)
All the best
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reader, becky05 +, writes (19 July 2005):
One of the great myseries of the world, why do men do that?
My personal opinion is that its kind of like a child. Being good until you get what you want, then you want something else and go all crabby again.
Men like this are not worth wasting time on, so dont dwell on it.
Just remember, in 30 years time when youre all settled and happy, hell be a sad, lonely old man!
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (19 July 2005):
 You're probably well rid of him. Lots of women have probably fallen for his 'Mr Charming' routine over the years, and it's clear that he performs the part in a very polished way! It appears that his whole act was only to achieve one thing, though, which was to get you into bed. Once he did that, he "won" his own challenge.
Too bad that you're a real person with real feelings, huh? I wonder if he ever thinks about that.
I'm sorry that you were treated this way. I'm convinced that you were indeed "conned" and that you weren't expecting too much, too soon. If he really were a man of integrity he would at least have had the decency to break up with you in person, instead of just avoiding you until you eventually intuited that it was over!
Maybe some men with answers can suggest reasons why a few men will do this to women, but my only thought is that, a very insecure man might do this to convince himself that he's a stud. Or would believe that having sex with more women equals greater attractiveness. Whatever the reason, it was nothing to do with any lack on your part.
I'd do my best to put him out of my mind, comforted by the fact that a large majority of men are kind to and honest with their girlfriends.
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