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... Send *hawncaff a private message | | | *hawncaff's profile:I found this site by accident when I was looking for support in a difficult situation. I felt confused and trapped and very depressed. People on this board were very helpful--particularly one person--and I decided to stay to both learn and give back whatever I have learned.
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| Latest articles: An insight about loneliness and relationships
This question has 5 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
6 September 2011: I recently had an insight (at least an insight for me) into loneliness and relationships which I thought I would share here on DC to bounce off other agony aunts and uncles and those who consult them. Recently I was contacted again by a woman...
A view of retroactive jealousy
This question has 7 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
19 June 2011: There are many posts on this site about people tormented by retroactive jealousy. I would like to offer a perspective on its real causes and how to deal with it. For those who don't know, retroactive jealousy (RJ) is the feeling of intense envy ...
The myth of "best friends" of the opposite sex
This question has 16 answers by readers of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
20 February 2011: OK, I know I am going to get a lot of flack for this (assuming anyone read this) but from my experience and observation I believe that a heterosexual man and woman who claim to be "best friends" without any romantic feelings...is a myth. Almost al...
Reality versus Illusion
This question has 1 answer by a reader of DearCupid.ORG.
Newest answer was posted
22 January 2011: In reflecting upon a relationship I had with a girl last year, I think a source of the many problems I had was my confusion of the illusion I had of her and what our relationship was with the reality. I thought I would relate a little bit about it ...
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Can I get over his disgusting sexual past?
Q. If opposites attract can they live a long happy married life together? I am in my 40s, my children are grown, my first marriage lasted almost 20 years. I met a man who's also in his 40s with two grown children. He has been married two times before. ...
A. 2 September 2013: I also wonder what drove to a man whose values are so different from yours. Whatever it was, you are now together and have to deal with the problem at hand.
To answer this, you have to figure out what is bothering you about this and how it affec... (read in full...)
My g/f makes me wait hours between texts. I don't like her behavior!
Q. hi guys. a few nights ago, my girlfriend came home after spending the night with one of her friends. she texted me "heeey" with a smiley face to let me know she was back. and i replied in about 10 seconds or so. then she disappeared for ...
A. 27 August 2013: I think those who take the side of your gf don't understand the role texting plays in today's society. It IS a form of communication. Whether it should be or shouldn't is beyond the point--it IS. This is how people communicate. Of course it is ... (read in full...)
Is there any hope of me getting her back?
Q. I had been with my now ex girlfriend for a little over a year, the last 3 months however was long distance. We spoke basically everyday and I went to see her 4times in that space. I asked her if iI could move up to the same place and iif she felt it ...
A. 10 May 2013: OK, this is heartbreaking. But you did want an answer so I'll weigh in.
I thought this part of your post held the key to the answer:
"who is going to want to start a relationship with a guy who is terminally ill and spends half the week in hosp... (read in full...)
Is it weird that I don't want a boyfriend at 19?
Q. I'm 19 and in my first year at uni, and I've never had a boyfriend before or during uni (or even been on a date, though I've been asked out quite a few times). I've never slept with anyone either. I just don't see the point of short-term stuff. It ...
A. 10 May 2013: Actually, you're being very level-headed in not wanting to waste time. They say youth is wasted on the young, and it's true. You are in a unique period of your life: you likely don't have too many responsibilities, and have the chance to explore and ... (read in full...)
How do users and abusers live with themselves?
Q. Dear Cupid I have a generic question, the abusive boy friends or the ones who use people for their purpose and throw them away like dirt, how do they live with themselves, knowing that they hurt several people. I have a bf I believe soon to ...
A. 8 December 2012: There are good responses here, but I thought I'd add a bit more. I think the reason people can use and abuse and not feel anything is that they are simply lying to themselves. They have reasons and justifications, and little empathy. I have heard it ... (read in full...)
Is it wrong to want to have safe-sex with as many beautiful people as possible?
Q. Is it wrong to want to have safe-sex with as many beautiful people as possible? Some background info before the women on here start calling me a 'player' etc.... I'm 23 years old and was a virgin up until last year. For most of my life, women...
A. 19 April 2012: "Is it wrong to want to have safe-sex with as many beautiful people as possible?"
I will go out on a limb here and say yes.
Although many here will attest to the fun aspect of no-strings sex, I think it hardens you as a person and detracts fro... (read in full...)
Can't deal with your lover's sexual past? Why not leave her / him if they have different morals to you?
Q. Hi guys AND girls, I've read a lot on DC about retroactive jealousy, or "his / her sexual past", and people having problems with it. Some very smart people here have made some very good suggestions on how to deal with it. The thing is, that i...
A. 7 April 2012: Hi,
I wrote an article about RJ this some time ago here on DC. You can check it out. Basically, I talked about how when thinking about RJ, one should consider the factor of how casual the sex was. Perhaps that is an underlying issue--that your love... (read in full...)
I really want to change my promiscuous ways! Please help!
Q. I was a very promiscuous girl, from 18-24. I would sleep withguys (oral sex mostly) without knowing them that well, it was REALLY easy to get me in bed. I couldn't form lasting relationships b/c of this. I didn't want to be with a guy i slept ...
A. 28 February 2012: I think all these Aunts have said spot-on things. I liked this in particular:
"You should understand this as well.. if you flirt around .. you will attract guys who like to flirt.. if you sleep around.. you will attract guys who like to sleep arou... (read in full...)
Can some people turn their love on and off?
Q. If you do some very bad things, more than once, to your partner, and then break up over it, do you think it can make them stop loving you? or do you think they still love you really, but just act like they dont like you? Can some people just turn ...
A. 19 February 2012: I think that love is an act of will. We have to put in effort to love the person. If it is one-sided, eventually most of us will have to stop our efforts.
It becomes one-sided when it becomes clear that the person we trying to love is either r... (read in full...)
Does he sound like a sociopath
Q. He and i were fwb in the past but we're just friends now. I went to see him at his place because he's going away for a month and we wanted to see each other before he left. We've always been pretty flirty around each other but nothing has happened ...
A. 19 February 2012: He doesn't feel guilty because you have not made it clear that he did anything wrong. From your description, you've been very passive about the whole thing, letting the vulgar comments go without telling him they bother you, and not making clear in ... (read in full...)
Does he sound like a sociopath
Q. He and i were fwb in the past but we're just friends now. I went to see him at his place because he's going away for a month and we wanted to see each other before he left. We've always been pretty flirty around each other but nothing has happened ...
A. 19 February 2012: I think YouWish summed it up pretty well. The whole situation is wrong, whether he is a sociopath or not.
Regarding being a sociopath, I would just add that the distinguishing feature of a sociopath is that he/she views others as objects and mean... (read in full...)
How do I distance myself from a friend that only uses me?
Q. I am a 34 year old woman and I have a friend whom I really love. I just have one problem. I dont think he really cares for me and I need to seperate myself from him, I just dont know how. Everytime he ask me for something I do my best to get it for ...
A. 19 February 2012: I would agree with the other posters...except I think it might be hard to completely break with him all at once.
You can also distance yourself gradually. Don't return his calls right away, don't initiate contact and let him contact you, etc. Give... (read in full...)
Is our relationship worth salvaging?
Q. My girlfriend and I got in a fight about a month ago. Things haven't been working too well for about 6 weeks prior, so I told her I wanted to take a break. She asked me why, I said that the relationship was hurting me and I needed some space. S...
A. 9 February 2012: I think you have to identify the issues that were giving you the problems in the first place. You took a break, but you don't mention what you accomplished during that time, what insights or resolutions occurred. I think only if there is a definite ... (read in full...)
I am in a long-term committed relationship. Is it ok to see my former FWB?
Q. So I'm in a relationship with someone I love, 2.5 years now, living together, and everything is going really well. The thing is we're long distance for a few months due to work and I'm back where I grew up and my FWB wants to hang out and I'm not ...
A. 24 September 2011: Thanks for the clarification.
I will be honest in saying that I find it difficult to comprehend the whole FWB thing, and I find your situation also difficult to understand. On the one hand, you write that with this guy "there's no connecti... (read in full...)
I loved him, but he only liked me. Can we still be friends? If not, how can I get over him?
Q. I need some advice. I've asked for advice before, and you have all proven to be helpful. :) I've been in a one-sided love with the same guy for 7 years. He knows how I felt. We actually dated for a few months. It was pretty amazing. Even th...
A. 24 September 2011: Ugh--you have my sympathy. I know this situation are very painful.
To answer your 2nd question first, I do not think he was playing you. I think it sounds like he is confused about what he wants. He obviously likes you and has affection for you,... (read in full...)
What does a kiss on the cheek mean?
Q. I was supposed to meet the guy I like and some friends at the bar. The other friends cancled on me so I texted the guy and told him they had cancled and asked if he still wanted to meet. He did. So we met there and talked for 3 hours... at the end ...
A. 24 September 2011: It depends on the culture, but given that you are an American in the 21st century, and that you are probably not Amish, Orthodox Jewish, or Eskimo, the kiss on the cheek is just a polite way of saying hello and goodbye to the opposite sex. Although ... (read in full...)
I am in a long-term committed relationship. Is it ok to see my former FWB?
Q. So I'm in a relationship with someone I love, 2.5 years now, living together, and everything is going really well. The thing is we're long distance for a few months due to work and I'm back where I grew up and my FWB wants to hang out and I'm not ...
A. 24 September 2011: I say no.
First of all, it sounds like you have not been in touch with your FWB for a couple years. It is not like you are close.
Also, FWB is a dubious relationship. There is an unwholesome quality about it. I haven't seen the recent movie... (read in full...)
He moved on quickly. Did our relationship mean nothing to him?
Q. i was w/ my boyfriend in a serious relationship for 2 1/2 yrs and i recently broke up w/ him b/c i didnt see a future w/ him. he started dating someone new in only two weeks and when i found this out i was really hurt. does this mean that our ...
A. 24 September 2011: I think you have to give more details on the breakup. If it was a relationship that was waning for a long time, with you two drifting apart gradually, then, no, I do not think it is unreasonable for him to move on so fast.
However, if it was a br... (read in full...)
I'm worried my ex's will live a more fulfilled life than my own and it's getting me down. How do I stop feeling this way?
Q. I'm worried that I'm not living my life to the fullest and unfortunately the main reason for this is because I tend to compare my life to the lives of my ex girlfriends. Let me explain... I don't know why, but I'm really stuck on the idea that my...
A. 26 August 2011: There are two issues here. One is wanting more out of your life, and the other is your jealousy that your exes are happy without you.
The latter issue is a hard one to swallow, but easier than the former. The hard fact that all of us who have exe... (read in full...)
I cant get back with her because I know she will keep lying, so how so I move on?
Q. I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years and 2 months and in the first year and a half it was great then some lying from her part started coming and a lot of lies and big ones. Nothing with her exs just stupid lies and i talked to her about it and ...
A. 26 August 2011: How long has it been since you broke up? You did all the right things--deleting her, breaking contact--so you WILL get over her. It may take time, but she will fade away. Just have patience.
As for you breaking up with her, it's been said many tim... (read in full...)
Do men suffer as much as women over a break-up?
Q. How many of the men actually suffer after a break-up? I don't mean SHOWING that they suffer, but do they feel for example in the beginning that it seems life can't go on without the person they were used to be with every day? Does it still hurt to ...
A. 21 August 2011: I have wondered this the same from the other end: does the woman feel the same as the man after a break-up? I know my friends (male) were taken to pieces after their break-ups, but showed it in different ways. I think men mourn more solitarily, ... (read in full...)
I'm beginning to believe that you can't trust anyone! How can I have a relationship?
Q. Hey, I need some help to get my head straight after losing all faith in men, or maybe not men, but straight-forward, monogamous relationships...do they ever exist?? I've been with my bf for nearly a year. We love each other, and he's mentioned w...
A. 16 August 2011: You know, this may sound real cheesy, but I am gonna state an observation from life and apply it eventually to your situation. (Just give me a couple moments please!)
You see, I live not far from a college campus. Sometimes I walk there along a ... (read in full...)
Am afraid of telling the elderly people I work with that I am leaving my job...how do I handle this?
Q. Hi just a quick question. Hope you can help. This is not relationship question. It is regarding my work. I work in the community, have done so for 6 years and over the years, i have built up some good friendships. But due to the attitudes of th...
A. 7 August 2011: Hi, I agree with all the posters. But I have a question I am curious about: how much time are you giving them? I mean, how much in advance are you telling them?
... (read in full...)
Is it possible to have a relationship with a passive-aggressive person who can't communicate?
Q. Is it wrong to leave someone who is so passive aggressive that no matter what you do they will not communicate at an adult level? Is there any real help for people like this? Is it possible for them to become emotionality mature and have lov...
A. 7 August 2011: Communication is the basis of a healthy relationship. If you cannot communicate with the person, the relationship is doomed to fail.
It is not your job to teach him how to communicate. This is a deep-seated psychological defense that he has deve... (read in full...)
I feel disgusting and like no one will ever respect me because I've not only had sex, but with more than one person!
Q. I have slept with two guys in my life. Most of my friends haven't even been with one. It's not like I barely knew either guy, I knew both very well and genuinely cared for them. The problem is, being only sixteen, I feel cheap. I wish I could go...
A. 2 August 2011: You're thinking about sex like jumping off a cliff: once you've had it with more that one person, there's no going back. You're doomed to fall into the pit below.
Maybe when you're 16 and everything looks dramatic, it is understandable that you... (read in full...)
FWB--I'm scared I'm in too deep
Q. About a year ago I was just getting out of a 3 year drammatic relationship when I met this guy. We had mutual friends and instantly clicked, so after a few drinks one night we ended up hooking up. Neither wanted anything serious as he was getting ...
A. 29 July 2011: OK, things are confused here--or at least I don't get it. Why does your FWB think you "cheated"? First of all, you didn't cheat because you were not dating exclusively. Second of all, he was already kissing another girl, so he made it clear you were ... (read in full...)
I have no self-confidence and always let people use me....can you help?
Q. I need help, im so depressed i cant see any hope of getting out of this depression. I've always let guys use me. I've helped with money, everything but because of a lack of confidence and self esteem i have always come out badly. The last guy left...
A. 25 July 2011: Sadly in this world there are users who will use without mercy or any of the sympathy you are getting from these empathetic aunts here on DC.
You are in a terrible hole and you need to reach out for support because as the walkin' dude said, yo... (read in full...)
I'm tired of always having to tell them to stop or back off.
Q. I have a boyfriend that I'm deeply in love with. But I'm also the type of girl that gets along better with guys than I do with girls. here's the problem, every time I meet a guy that I want to be friends with he either ends up liking me way too ...
A. 19 July 2011: How do you act when you are with these guy friends, and what do you do with them?
If you show affection to them, or party with them, or have long conversations into the night with them, then, yes, they are going to think of you in a romantic... (read in full...)
He asked about my sexual history and now he's become extremely jealous.
Q. I've been with my boyfriend for coming up on 5 months. We love each other very much and have been discussing moving in together. However,last night we had the conversation of 'past' relationships/flings etc. Before I was with this guy, I was married ...
A. 19 July 2011: I am not sure what your bf is thinking exactly, but what would bother me most if I were in his situation would be not as much the facts of your sexual history, but your current attitude toward them.
If I had conservative values, as possibly... (read in full...)
A boyfriend who breaks plans and thinks I should be more flexible and "mature" about our separate lives.
Q. My boyfriend has broken plans with me two nights in a row after a show/performance he recently had. Everything was going quite well up til then. I kindly expressed to him some discomfort with him never introducing me as his girlfriend, even though ...
A. 15 July 2011: Breaking plans two times in a row shows serious disrespect, whether he wants more independence or not. If he does not understand that, then there is a serious problem there. ... (read in full...)
A boyfriend who breaks plans and thinks I should be more flexible and "mature" about our separate lives.
Q. My boyfriend has broken plans with me two nights in a row after a show/performance he recently had. Everything was going quite well up til then. I kindly expressed to him some discomfort with him never introducing me as his girlfriend, even though ...
A. 15 July 2011: Breaking plans two times in a row shows serious disrespect, whether he wants more independence or not. If he does not understand that, then there is a serious problem there. ... (read in full...)
My gf hacked my emails, which were unkind to her, we were not together, she can't get past them, what can do?
Q. Last night my girlfriend told me she isn't happy. She said she knows why but didn't want to talk about it. She also said she has doubts about our relationship. She wants a break to figure things out. We've been together for almost a year and ...
A. 10 July 2011: You do not write here what you said in those emails, but if they were sent after you had broken up, then she understand that you were hurt, angry and bitter, and that they are not reflective of how you feel now that you are back with her. (This is ... (read in full...)
Have there been students who have married their teachers?
Q. Hello, my question is: have there been students who have married their teachers? (by the way, Im 15 years old, and my teacher whom I have a crush on is 30. He went out of the country to get a masters degree, but we remain in contact.) do you think ...
A. 7 July 2011: THe most famous case is that of Mary Kay LaTourneau, a 34-year-old teacher who began a romance with her 16-year-old student, went to prison for it, and then later married him.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Kay_Letourneau
But PLEASE: U... (read in full...)
Boyfriend wants to know WHY exactly do I love him! What do I say?
Q. I have not been dating my boyfriend a long time but I have fallen in love with him. I told he recently. We have a strong connection and chemistry since the day we met. He means so much to me and I dont think he understands. Im thankful for the day ...
A. 3 July 2011: I am glad to hear that your relationship is going well again. AngelDlite is right. Your actions more than your words will transmit the love. Best wishes to you-... (read in full...)
Shall I give him the silent treatment after him not replying to my text?
Q. I've been seeing this guy pretty regularly for the past 6 months now. We normally go out 2-4 times a week and text every day or so. Anyway, we last met on Mon and he said' we'd meet on Fri, late afternoon. Cool. So, I organized my chores and duties ...
A. 1 July 2011: There is no question that what he did was rude: breaking an appointment by text with no further explanation or apology. And not replying, well, that's rude, too. You are right to be annoyed and resentful. However, the silent treatment is NOT... (read in full...)
Boyfriend wants to know WHY exactly do I love him! What do I say?
Q. I have not been dating my boyfriend a long time but I have fallen in love with him. I told he recently. We have a strong connection and chemistry since the day we met. He means so much to me and I dont think he understands. Im thankful for the day ...
A. 1 July 2011: Ah, ok. I think I understand now what you are asking. I think you are asking about how to explain to your bf WHAT LOVE IS: what it feels like, why you desire it, and why you give it.
Interesting question. It is almost poignant, as he asks because ... (read in full...)
Why do people resort to lying?
Q. hello dear cupid, a quick question - why do people resort to lying? why are some people complusive liars? And even when you know the truth and they know you know the truth, they still lie and try wriggle their way out of it, even if it makes th...
A. 1 July 2011: What's more astounding to me is not that some people lie, but that they feel no guilt about it. As you say, they can lie to your face, and even when caught and cornered in the lie, still laugh it off or give a fake apology...and continue doing it!
... (read in full...)
Can I kick start puberty?
Q. Well! I'm nearly 14 and I have had no signs of starting puberty and its getting embarresing! I have had no growth spurts or anything and I'm getting self councious about it now and I was wondereing if there was anyway to kick start puberty and what ...
A. 1 July 2011: I was very concerned about this at your age, and throughout high school. I remember checking my armpits for hair during my first two years of high school. It was not until 16 that it finally appeared. I grew steadily throughout high school. And I ... (read in full...)
Boyfriend wants to know WHY exactly do I love him! What do I say?
Q. I have not been dating my boyfriend a long time but I have fallen in love with him. I told he recently. We have a strong connection and chemistry since the day we met. He means so much to me and I dont think he understands. Im thankful for the day ...
A. 1 July 2011: Spinnaker below wrote "You are not supposed to be able to explain why you love someone."
I completely disagree.
If that were true, 80% of poetry, songs, and novels would not exist. Since the written word was first invented, people have crea... (read in full...)
I need to know how important is it to guys that your Gf/wife is a virgin? And why?
Q. I was just curious... Does it really matter to guys that the girl they want to marry or want to spent the rest of their lives with is a virgin or not??? I mean I don't see the reason why this has to be a big issue with couples.... For me all I ever ...
A. 25 June 2011: I see only women have responded so far. Although they are wise and insightful women, I will give my personal perspective as a man. I do see the beauty and special quality of having a wife who is a virgin. There truly is something special about sh... (read in full...)
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