A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Is it wrong to want to have safe-sex with as many beautiful people as possible? Some background info before the women on here start calling me a 'player' etc....I'm 23 years old and was a virgin up until last year. For most of my life, women never went for me - and if they did, they weren't exactly head-turners as neither was I (was overweight throughout highschool and university and for the most part I was socially awkward). I started taking better care of myself over the last 1.5 years and lost a lot of weight (I'm no Brad Pit, but I'd say decent-looking now, maybe an 8/10). Most importantly, I gained a lot more self-confidence which has helped in both my career and social interactions. Last year a close friend and I started a FWB relationship (she sort of took my virginity out of pity, but we kept going at it for a few months because it was fun for both of us!). We ended on good terms and are still friends today. Then a co-worker and I had a bit of a fling, which was great as well. Now in both cases, it was kind of given that it wasn't anything serious. But I've noticed now, after going out more and meeting many more people, practically all women want a serious-type relationship that is 'going somewhere' - and I completely understand that; it's part of the human lifecycle. With that being said, I just want to have sex! lol After not getting any for almost 23 years and just having experienced it recently, I have to admit, it's awesome! But women seem to only want sex if they're in a committed relationship. (I read a quote somewhere that summarized it best: For women to have sex, they need a relationship. For men, they only need a location). While having a bunch successful FWB-type relationships would be ideal, most people aren't into that. Thus, it's as if, to have sex, one has to fake a relationship (I know that sounds bad; I kind of cringe writing that). I understand there are people out there into the whole NSA/Intimate encounter stuff, and I've looked into it, but most of the women I've conversed with are pretty weird and to be honest, not all that attractive. And, by no means, am I the type of guy to hit-up the clubs until 2 in the morning looking for a 'slutty' girl to take home like those idiots on Jersey Shore. While I don't want to technically 'use someone,' it seems like faking a relationship with women and leading them on is the only way to have sex with a decent (mentally and physically) person. I would love to just be able to meet someone, have a good time, perhaps even become friends of sort, have a safe-sex a few times, and we move on from there in our separate ways and just have good memories. I don't see the big deal, but you can't just start off every conversation with the opposite sex with your intentions: "Hi, my name is ____ and I think you're pretty great and I'd like nothing more than to have sex with you a few times, interested?" Any thoughts on this matter?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 April 2012): No, it's not! As long as it is consentual and not violent nor is there any kind of mistreatment of either partner. Go for it and enjoy. Be safe!
A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth  +, writes (19 April 2012):
 I agree completely with shawncaff. And very well written too!
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A
male
reader, shawncaff  +, writes (19 April 2012):
 "Is it wrong to want to have safe-sex with as many beautiful people as possible?"
I will go out on a limb here and say yes.
Although many here will attest to the fun aspect of no-strings sex, I think it hardens you as a person and detracts from your future relationships.
Sex is very much tied to our emotions. When a person engages in sex just for the physical pleasure, he or she necessarily has to stifle his or her emotions. Physiologically, sex involves bonding, and one has to short circuit this process in order to remain detached. Consequently, there is a deadening effect on one's connection to his or her emotions that takes place. Will there be permanent damage after 1 one-night stand? Most likely not. But after 15 or 20 such encounters the same cannot be said. Google this to read the science (physiology, sex, casual).
From a spiritual aspect, one cheapens something that is very personal and special. Since time immemorial, sex has been the way a couple expresses their most intimate connection. To use it for physical pleasure alone is robbing it of its significance.
But will you survive this period of sowing your oats to go ahead to get married and have a stable relationship? Yeah, probably. But the question is not whether you can survive, but how can you be the best person you can be to your future lover--the one you have feelings for. If that's what you want (and who wouldn't, as the quality of your relationships really determines the quality of your life), casual sex will be a hindrance, not a help.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): I really don't know how u can avoid clubs to find all these desirable one night stands. That's when majority of them happen. When judgment is impaired by alcohol, when sexual need is higher than usual at least in Women. when u look 40 percent cuter to them than without alcohol impact.
That's where all my night stands happen. But mind you I never had an orgasm with a one night stand guy, never!! I mean I had my excitement, but after I felt that he just took a joy ride with my body.
That's why I never liked one night stand. Sex with a guy that you date and have some feelings for is much more satisfying for me.
About friends with benefits, you were very lucky to keep them as friends, usually it's not the case.
You can also try older women. They wouldn't mind a young body to play with even for one or few times. Hey, what about married women? They already have a relationship, you can be their boy toy.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (18 April 2012):
 To answer your question, it's not wrong to have sex with many beautiful people. Sex works differently for men and for women. For men, his value increases if he proves himself to be a stud. For women, her value decreases when she is found out to be a slut. It is not that women don't have the curiosity to try out different men. It's just that women don't get as much value for sleeping with different men and the chances of finding a decent man after sleeping around is slimmer, when women are concerned about their reputation in their circles. So when you have sex with a woman with no intentions of developping into anything serious, you are taking away her value without giving her something that's equal to her. You gain the experience while she adds the number of men in her list, a list that's often determines how virtuous a woman is. I am in no way condemning casual sex. I have tried it, I enjoyed it and I am done with it. It is the double standard for men and women that makes women the losers in this game, and that is why women avoid it as much as possible, and not that women only want love and not sex that kind of bullshit.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (18 April 2012):
I don't think wanting casual sex makes you an indecent person. You just have to accept most women want relationships. Maybe you are waiting for one of us to tell you there are attractive and normal females wanting casual sex and nothing more. I hope I could tell you this but no. The ones that want casual sex are either just broken up, feeling bitter and looking for rebound guys; single moms looking to bait a male into taking care of her; young independent women looking for sugar daddies; married women looking for revenge after their husbands cheated; or women who are too emotionally unstable to handle a real relationship. I just locked onto my plenty of fish. I pretended to be a man looking for a woman 20-45, for intimate encounter. There were only two. You would not be interested in those two. But if I do it reverse, a female looking for male then I have a whole world waiting to get with me. While you want to sex a woman who is attractive to you. A man who wants only sex and nothing else is not very attractive to a woman. What happened to the men on plenty of fish who want only sex. Are they all indecent? I don't believe so. I believe they are stuck in the wrong relationships for years when initially they had thought a serious relationship guarantees regular sex but that didn't happen. So they associate serious relationships with no sex but the truth is it takes patience to find the right person, and it's okay to be celibate for a while. It's worth the wait. Impatience and the need to feel wanted often makes you vulnerable to questionable women.
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A
female
reader, Foot-In-My-Mouth +, writes (18 April 2012):
Don't you think you have a serious case of double standards? See it this way. You want to just take a girl home and have sex with her while you don't want to do that with the sort of girls who are willing to do so. In other words, you want to be with girls who have better sexual morals than you do. You seem to look down upon 'slutty' girls, i.e. sexually promiscuous ones while you're sexually promiscuous by your own admission. My advice would be to stick to your own kind. The sort found in night clubs.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 April 2012):
 "But finding a girl who's really into you body and soul and wants to give herself to you in that same way is about as close to heaven as one can get sexually."
Exactly. The men who have been with me have had no wish to explore other women. I bring it all to the table, and there is no need to explore other fields if the partner you have give you everything you wish for. I bring way more into a committed relationship than I bring to a one night stand, in terms of dedication, desire, openness, creativity, comfort and care. In a relationship you can explore your sexuality in a safe and secure context, whereas in a one night stand you know you've got this and that many hours before you need to leave, and you don't get the time to get to know the other persons body, what he likes, and you don't have the time to teach them what you like either.
One night stands, or casual sex, is to me like having a meal at McDonalds because you need to eat, and you'll take just about anything. You can order the fanciest thing they have, but it has it's limitations (Im not talking about level of attraction here, but about how great the sex can possibly get). McDonalds is not like a home cooked, well prepared feast with all your favourite foods....
I just wanted to further explain my point. I don't think you need to pursue relationships, not at all. I think you should go out and have the casual sex and get it out of your system before you settle down with one steady partner. But I just want to let you know that once you are ready to commit to one person it's probably going to be an upgrade in your sex life.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 April 2012):
 Congratulations!!! You have successfully morphed from a "socially awkward" young man - pondering the world around him - to one of us.... the ultimate "macho-man" who believes that God populated this world with females who have reproductive organs that can be used to make OUR reproductive organs feel good.....Please re-think your submittal. Are you REALLY SURE that you want to copulate your way through life? ... regardless of if/whether there is any spirit/warmth/love included in it?IF so, and, as long as you can find woman who will go along with it... then have at it.... However, hang on for a shallow "later in life".... when you HAVE exhausted your supply of available women/genitals.... and you revert to where you were, not so long ago, when you were that "socially awkward" young man... EXCEPT that, now, you will have become a "socially awkward" OLD man...Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): I really don't know how you can avoid clubs to find all these desirable one night stands. That's when majority of them happen. When judgment is impaired by alcohol, when sexual need is higher than usual at least in Women. when you look 40 percent cuter to them than without alcohol impact.That's where all my night stands happen. But mind you I never had an orgasm with a one night stand guy, never!! I mean I had my excitement, but after I felt that he just took a joy ride with my body.That's why I never liked one night stand. Sex with a guy that you date and have some feelings for is much more satisfying for me.About friends with benefits, you were very lucky to keep them as friends, usually it's not the case.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (18 April 2012):
 Cerberus is right - you shouldn't discount the clubs, because it's widely understood that that place is ideal for hookups and one-night stands without lying and false promises.
If you use women for sex under false pretenses, promising relationships and pretending a more permanent interest without actual intentions, you are a player and a dog. You are the reason why most women will only have sex with those they are in actual relationships with. We don't want to get used.
I think you're still socially awkward, to be honest. I commend you on losing weight, and I understand your desire to go out there and catch up on the fun you believe you missed in high school and college. But you can't do it at the expense of girls not interested in casual sex.
You're attracted to the women who want relationships, and are repulsed by the women who like the same lifestyle you are pursuing. Do you not see the problem? You don't want to hang out with the "Jersey Shore" lifestyle, yet you want to live it! It doesn't work that way.
Chigirl also hit the nail on the head in her discussion about the type of sex in relationships. Really good committed relationships have the absolute best sex ever! It's also the lowest risk, because if you're wanting a ton of casual sex, it's high risk for disease and unexpected pregnancy. But finding a girl who's really into you body and soul and wants to give herself to you in that same way is about as close to heaven as one can get sexually.
The thing is is that relationships take effort, cultivation, time, and you've never had one. You're still socially awkward, and going out to have tons of casual sex and FWB's is your way around it. Eventually, it'll start ringing hollow to you.
Bottom line, you're free to pursue casual hookups and FWB's, but don't even think about doing it under false pretenses, and stay away from married women or those in other relationships. You should go for those who are as disinterested in relationships as you are, but you know as well as I do that the sex isn't as good. But you're not entitled to a "girlfriend experience" if she's not your girlfriend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): Unfortunately for you OP discounting the random club hook-ups is discounting the biggest pool of women willing to have casual sex on a regular basis. Also you have the completely wrong idea about it too.
I did it for about 2 years, both the club hook-ups and a few casual sex arrangements and FWB's. Club hook-ups aren't some seedy, slutty thing, what you're seeing is the stereotype of how that works. The majority of girls I hooked up with had never had a one night stand before and they certainly weren't the type to go topless and grind bronzed muscle men in a club. They were regular nice, intelligent girls, who got caught in a moment with me and went with the flow. I never had to lie to them and never did. The only thing morally questionable about my actions is perhaps that I didn't wear a big ass sign that said "no relationships" you see I knew a lot of them would just assume by the way I was with them and how I acted that I was perhaps interested in more. But I justified that to myself in the sense that it is their responsibility to ensure they get their needs fulfilled and if they want more they should ensure that's what I wanted too. The girls who had the sense to do that I was honest with and funnily enough a lot of them decided to take the casual sex option anyway.
OP the way you want to approach things is actually far more dangerous. You were lucky the two times you've done this, because they were short term flings with girls who could handle that. Most of the time sex ruins friendships you only have to search the term "FWB" on this site to see the many people who have been destroyed by it and I too have had many friendships ruined by sex.
It's a far better prospect to hook up with a stranger who you start out having casual sex and continue on in that vein than it is to risk good friendships to get sex. Just never lie to them to get that and when you sense they may want more you tell them the deal.
I honestly feel more guilt for the times I had FWB's than I do for my random hook-ups. I should have resisted my urges and protected those friendships instead. The random hook-ups I know I technically could have been more up front with them but they were all grown, consenting adult women, and I was never forceful nor aggressive with them and respected their wishes at all points on the process.
For the record OP while most women may say they only want sex in a committed relationship, the reality is most of them will gladly have/want sex in the early stages of dating. In that sense I have to completely agree with Chigirl as fun as casual sex is, and it's a lot of fun, it doesn't hold a candle to sex with a person you're emotionally connected to or are in the process of connecting with.
If you're thinking you want sex but don't want to have to wait until the relationship is committed then I have to tell you most women don't wait that long anyway. Sex is very much part of the dating process these days. And I know very few women especially at your age that wait that long. They have needs to OP and a lot will want to find out sexual compatibility aswell as emotional and mental compatibility before they agree to become exclusive.
Don't let the idea that you will have to wait ages to have sex stop you from dating women. Dating is far more fun and most girls won't wait that long anyway.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (18 April 2012):
You said it! Most girls do want sex only in a committed relationship!
If you want sex on a regular basis your safest bet is actually having a steady girlfriend. Not a lot of great sex is found in one night stands, and casual relationships tend to bring drama. You've been lucky to have avoided the drama so far, but I've been in your shoes and I know that drama tends to follow. Most people aren't as cool about "casual" as they pretend to be/wish they are. Also tons of girls will say ok to casual sex because they think they can make you fall in love with them later on, and then they start up drama if you as much as look at someone else.
So I'm just saying.. if sex on a regular non drama basis is what you want you'll be better off with a relationship, and then just stick to casual sex until you find someone who is hot enough and gorgeous enough on all levels for you to want to commit to her.
You're fresh in the game, which is why casual sex sounds so alluring to you. 5 years ago I was like you myself, eager to fool around and not commit and just have fun. Lucky for me I am a girl, and I easily find guys who are willing to just have a quick romp in the sack. You're not that lucky, you're a guy. You'll find it problematic to find willing girls who are attractive to you (less to choose from).
This eagerness will calm down though, once you've had your fair share of boobies and pussies. Then you'll see it's not all it is hyped up to be, and that steady sex with a steady long term partner is a lot more fulfilling.
Casual sex, in my experience, for most of the time isn't that good sex. The best sex I ever had has always been in relationships when you are in love. And a good, casual lover is hard to find, even for girls. Count yourself lucky to have already experienced casual FWB without the drama, because it is hard to come by.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2012): I'm the original poster:
Thank's k_c100, pretty good advice. It's not that I'm against forming relationships, it's just nowadays relationships seem like products - you buy it, use it, throw it, repeat (especially for people around my age). Why go through all the up's and down's when you can cut to the chase?
While I think it would be great to find that 'perfect someone' and just be with them, I don't want to wake up 10 years from now and think, "Gee, I wish I had experienced having sex with other women."
Either way, thanks for the advice - gives me something to think about.
Cheers!
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (18 April 2012):
 No it is not wrong for you to want to have sex in a FWB style arrangement, with multiple women if that is what you want.
What IS very very wrong though is to fake a relationship to get a girl into bed! That is probably one of the lowest things a guy can do to a girl, you would very quickly get a reputation for being a player and a massive jerk. You would hurt untold numbers of girls, messing with their heads and screwing them up for the future. Many girls end up messed up emotionally because of jerks who have led them on - so if you ever want a girlfriend one day keep that in mind, that you dont want to be one of those jerks who mess girls around and then screw them up for the rest of their lives.
Imagine if a girl was falling for you, developing real feelings and decided to sleep with you because she thought you felt the same - and then finds out that actually you only want sex and dont care about her at all, nor do you have any feelings for her. That is so harsh, you cant go around doing that to people it is so so wrong. If you are able to do that sort of thing and live with your conscience then you have some pretty scewed up morals to be honest.
The problem here is you - you want the nice girls (i.e. the mentally and physically attractive ones) yet you want them to act like the slutty girls. You cant have both I'm afraid!
If a girl is mentally and physically attractive, chances are she values her body and doesnt give sex away easily. If she is the slutty type that goes home with guys after meeting them in clubs, she might not be as mentally or physically attractive but she is more 'loose' with her morals and will be much more likely to have a FWB.
So you have to choose what you want really - are you happy to compromise on the girl's mental and physical attractiveness in order to find a slightly lower standard of girl who will be happy to have a FWB arrangement? Or will you only go for the really attractive girls? In which case you will have to compromise on your FWB ideal and consider having a girlfriend.
Why is a relationship that bad? I know you are new to the relationship/dating/sex scene and I understand you want to 'sow your wild oats' so to speak, I get that - but if you found a really great girl, who you could see yourself with, then would getting into a relationship be so bad? In a relationship it entitles you to sex as much as you want it! So lots of sex with a great girl who has feelings for you doesnt sound so bad really....
If neither of those options work for you, then I guess all you can do is keep approaching the attractive girls, maybe take them out on a date but make it VERY clear what you are looking for. I agree that you cant walk up to a girl and say 'I only want to have sex a few times', so proceed at first as you would if you were looking for a relationship i.e. take her out on 1 date. On this first date, explain what you are looking for and leave it up to her to make the choice. Some attractive women might be open to a FWB, but as you said the majority of the nice attractive girls value themselves more than just being an easy lay.
The easy option is just to go out to clubs, pick a slutty girl and take her home with you - easy sex on a plate. And some of the slutty girls are very physically attractive, it is just their morals that are often lacking.
But it is up to you - what is more important, the quality of the girl you sleep with or getting laid?
But keep in mind - just because you think a girl is slutty doesnt mean she doesnt want a relationship either, she is just foolish enough to think that sex is the way to a man's heart and that going home with a guy on a night out will lead somewhere. So you wont necessarily escape the girls that want a relationship even if you do go for a slutty girl.
Have you not got any more female friends who are single and might be up for a FWB type thing? After all the definition of FWB is 'friends with benefits', so being friends first is the whole idea of the thing!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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