A
female
age
41-50,
*rowneyez1900
writes:I have not been dating my boyfriend a long time but I have fallen in love with him. I told he recently. We have a strong connection and chemistry since the day we met. He means so much to me and I dont think he understands. Im thankful for the day that he approached me, and the time we spend and the way he cares for me automatically. I love him. My boyfriend has been through a lot emotionally and last night we went to dinner and he wanted me to explain to him "WHY" I loved him. I tried but its like I could not find the right words. I can tell him what I love about him, I can do that but to explain "WHY" Is hard. My boyfriend has told me since the day we met that your going to have to teach me how to love. He is 34 but he has not had a lot of real relationships with woman in his life. I think he became a little frustrated because I could not explain. Im very understanding of him and what hes been through but I feel a little perplexed because I have no Idea how to explain or what exactly to tell him. Any thoughts or ideas? My boyfriend is a deep thinker and im concerned he will read this the wrong way. He also said last night that if you love someone that strongly he feels like you should be able to explain why or how you love them and I expressed its not always that simple. I got a little defensive when trying to answer and he noticed. Please give me some ideas on what to say or how exactly to explain this to him. I cannot find the words. ( Sorry so long) Reply to this Question
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male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (3 July 2011):
 I am glad to hear that your relationship is going well again. AngelDlite is right. Your actions more than your words will transmit the love. Best wishes to you-
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (2 July 2011):
 is he insecure? i find it a little worrying that he is over thinking like this. in any case, it does not matter so much WHAT you say, it is the way you treat him that will truly show him that you love him, rather than your words. i think he asked you for your reasons coz he wants to be convinced that you are genuine, and like i say, it is your behaviour NOT YOUR WORDS that will show him
x
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female
reader, browneyez1900 +, writes (2 July 2011):
browneyez1900 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionVery true to each one of you. We are over the hump and in a very tender moment I took the time to tell him sweetly some of the things I love about HIM and he smiled like he was surprised to hear these things. Surprised almost that I pay attention to him, and the things about him.I thank you all so much for the positive input it is invaluable.
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male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (1 July 2011):
 For the religious minded God is love. We are made in the image of God so therefore it is in our nature to love. We are of a social construction and our most precious commodity is our time and by extension the exclusive relationships we have with certain people (family, friends, BF GF).
If you choose to place someone in that role as Boyfriend or Girlfriend you choose to invest certain amounts of time with that person and choose to make them important to you in that way.
The "why's" of all this is very elusive in its definition - I dare say it does not exist for to explain all the why's relegates love to a list of qualities and divers forms of stimulation that someone offers - that perverts the cornerstone of our very human nature.
I would wonder what your boyfriend is trying to get at by asking you to define something that is so broad and undefinable as love. I would be very careful in how you answer his questions because it would seem to me that you are entering into a discussion where laden with skepticism on his end.
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (1 July 2011):
 ""I can tell him why I love him I dont think your understanding. I know what I love about him. He wants to know what it is in my thought process that makes me love. Why do I love. Not why do I love him, I already expressed that. Does that make what hes asking clearer?""It is like he asking...what steps or process did you take to arrive at the destination of "love".Or, like he is asking the ingredients to a recipe.Love equals...He is looking for tangible reasons for something that differs from person to person.You can not explain that to him..he either accepts the gift or he does not.
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reader, shawncaff +, writes (1 July 2011):
Ah, ok. I think I understand now what you are asking. I think you are asking about how to explain to your bf WHAT LOVE IS: what it feels like, why you desire it, and why you give it.
Interesting question. It is almost poignant, as he asks because he has not ever known.
I guess for most of us we have a desire throughout our lives to break out of ourselves and our isolation. We love because without it, we would go mad. We need to feel needed, and we need to be appreciated for who we are as unique individuals.
Why is this so?
Depends who you ask. For the religious-minded, this desire for appreciation and to feel useful points to the Godliness within us. All the major religions speak of God as a loving presence, and it is our task on this earth to spread this love.
For the atheists, this is perhaps an evolutionary tool. We know that if we are seen as unnecessary, we will die. Only that which is useful in evolution survives. So it is essential for our survival to both be needed and to need others.
At any rate, it is a fact. You might ask your bf why he has friends, or why he has hobbies and interests, or why he works. It all comes down to relating oneself to the world. A love relationship is the most intense of all these loves, but it is of the same quality as the love of a friend or of a good book or a sport.
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reader, browneyez1900 +, writes (1 July 2011):
browneyez1900 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI can tell him why I love him I dont think your understanding. I know what I love about him. He wants to know what it is in my thought process that makes me love. Why do I love. Not why do I love him, I already expressed that. Does that make what hes asking clearer?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 July 2011): Men need to feel you like them for their unique qualities, not just because you are in love with having a boyfriend or in love with being in love. When you say you fell for him so quick, it does beg that question and it's valid.
It sounds like you are just infatuated at this point since you haven't known him long so his question was valid and your lack of response was telling.
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reader, shawncaff +, writes (1 July 2011):
Spinnaker below wrote "You are not supposed to be able to explain why you love someone."
I completely disagree.
If that were true, 80% of poetry, songs, and novels would not exist. Since the written word was first invented, people have created great works of art to try to answer this very question. It's not easy, and probably you cannot ever get it completely right...but you can come close.
And it's a valid question that SHOULD give cause to worry if it cannot be answered. Many times, people call lots of things love: lust, the desire for material comfort, or simply going through the motions or copying what's in the media. Sometimes, it's just a desire for companionship as a bulwark against loneliness.
You know, I asked a version of this question to someone once, and her response was: "Because of all the things you did for me." My heart fell. I knew then that she did not like me for who I was, but for what I could provide for her.
This guy wants to know if you appreciate him for who he is, and if your caring is for real. If it is, you should be able to put it into words. And, hey, maybe you'll create a great work of art in the process!
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reader, browneyez1900 +, writes (1 July 2011):
browneyez1900 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo true but he wasn't asking for reasons why he wanted to know what makes me love. I don't know if that makes any sense. I just don't think he believes that I love him. I know what love is and I don't say things I do not mean. It was just a frustrating night last night. I agree that love is a choice. I think yes you can fall in love unknowingly with someone but only you make the choice to continue loving them.
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reader, RedAthena +, writes (30 June 2011):
Imagine he is asking you "Why do you want me in your life?"
Now, be specific. He is asking for the qualities and charachteristics, the unique things about him that you see and admire about him.
Get to the root of the meaning behind his question.
It is NOT your job to teach him out to love. He has to figure that out on his own. You are not responsible for wording or explaining things to his liking, only for your own words/thoughts to be understood.
I have asked others "Why do you love me?" before when I thought they were just going through the motions of love, but did not really believe them. In those circumstances, I was being "loved" for superficial reasons.
Maybe he is looking for something deeper than "just because".
I believe unconditional love DOES exist, but I believe people ask this question to make sure we are in love for the best reasons.
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reader, spinnaker +, writes (30 June 2011):
"Because I choose to." is the simple answer that encompasses it the best. If he asks why - just repeat that you choose to love him.
Your BF better stock up on Excedrin if he wishes to mull this impossible topic over for very long. Deep thinker or not he is not going to be successful.
You are not supposed to be able to explain why you love someone. If you list out a series of qualities he has that implies that you only love him based upon those qualities. If they are taken away - does this mean you do not love him?
The Dali Lama said that true love is when ones love for another exceeds one's need for another.
That sort of makes sense but then it seems circular in its reasoning.
If you want to really throw him off ask him his favorite color and then ask him why he likes that color. We have so many things in our lives that can not be qualified.
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