A
male
age
51-59,
shawncaff
writes:There are many posts on this site about people tormented by retroactive jealousy. I would like to offer a perspective on its real causes and how to deal with it.For those who don't know, retroactive jealousy (RJ) is the feeling of intense envy toward your partner's previous sexual partners. Often, people who suffer from it claim they "can't get the image of their partner being intimate with someone else out of their heads" or they "can't take the thought of them being with so many others." Agony Aunts will often respond with the thought that "it doesn't matter who their partner WAS with in the past; the partner is with them NOW, and that's what matters." But often, this does not satisfy the sufferer of RJ.What is the real source of RJ? To figure this out, it is interesting to note that the level of RJ increases in inverse proportion to the casualness of the partner's previous relationships. HUH?What I mean is this: RARELY does someone suffer RJ with a person who was divorced or widowed. There may be some lingering jealousy, but it does not usually anywhere reach the proportions of RJ suffered with a partner's boyfriend or girlfriend or casual sex partner. Similarly, we have a little more RJ, but usually still a tolerable amount, for a partner who was intimate in the context of long-term monogamous relationships with boyfriends or girlfriends.But where the RJ really flares up is when the partner's previous relationships were more and more casual. Short-term bfs and gfs, FWBs, one-night-stands...these are the real fodder for fits of intense RJ.Why is this?I think the reason is that we want to feel our intimacy with our partner is special. The deepest way to express our love and intimacy with a partner is through sex. It is almost like a sacred language we have when words fail us. And when we realize our partner has used this language so often, then we suddenly feel ill-at-ease, because the meaning it has has been diminished. We then become angry at our partner's previous partners for taking something from us. In some way, they have cheapened our relationship because they have shared sex with our partner, which was supposed to be the ultimate expression of love between our partner and ourselves.If there was real love there, whether in a marriage or long-term monogamous relationship, then we are more accepting, because we know that sex still retained its meaning as the deepest physical expression of love. That's why the RJ is so much less under these circumstances.Of course, many will scoff at what I have written as being naive, idealistic, and improbable in today's liberal society. But I think the existence of RJ hints at the real desires of our souls: we want real intimacy and we want our relationship to be SPECIAL. And that means that the expression of intimacy--i.e., sex--should also be special.I'm gonna go out on a limb here and make a claim that many people I hear who say that "the partner's past is the past" and don't make a big deal of RJ, have actually given up on the possibility of real intimacy. They just don't believe, for whatever reason, that two people can really know one another, or that real trust, caring, and sharing exists. That's why sex just becomes a physical act, and that's why a partner's past is no big deal. So this is where I think the discussion of RJ should start: If a partner's past is troubling you, then I think you should figure out how your relationship is different from the others he's had. And if she's had a lot of sexual partners, then maybe there is still something special you two can do that she's never done before. Maybe there is a special place you two can go to make love. Or there are special things you can say to each other that have not been said before. Maybe there is still a way to develop your own special language.The main idea is to develop the special and unique quality of the two of you, so that you do not feel like just another piece of meat on an assembly line. Since ultimately, despite the cynicism of proponents of casual sex, FWBs or what have you, we all deep down want to feel unique and special, and we want to have develop a bond with others who we feel is special as well.
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male
reader, Peter S  +, writes (13 February 2013):
Greetings to all! I had RJ in the past with many girlfriends. Sometimes it was quite hard, but I survived...lol. In that time, I didn't know how much Hypnosis can help in this issue. You cannot believe how much Hypnosis is helpful to overcome RJ and many other problems! You can even became a hypnotist yourself. Search in Google about this amazing tool we all can use. It's not magic, it's just science. Another thing you can try, in addition, is EFT. It's very effective also. It's very easy to learn, and you can search about it in Youtube or Google. When you do it, you can say for yourself: "Even though I suffer from RJ, I love myself deep and completely, and I forgive myself". You can use many times during the day, whenever you need, it works! Finally, remember that time you eventually heal everything, including RJ. All you have to do is keep going. There are many things worse than this. And if all of these don't work, remember Winston Churchill: "If you are going through hell, keep going". Good Lucky! ;-)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2011): How many people would be OK with their spouse having sex with numerous other people during the day while they're at work? I realize it's not exactly the same, but it would be "in the past" by the time you got home from work on any given day.If it happened as a violation of an agreement between the couple to be monogomous, arguably that would be significantly different than something that occured before a couple met. But, what if the parties agreed that one or both could have sex with others? Of course, only people who don't have RJ would enter into a relationship like that.But, the next question is: why does such a high percentage of the population choose not to be in an open relationship? Are most people irrational and insecure?Both the future and the past don't actually exist. What the one person might do in the future cannot possibly effect the other person in the present unless the other person chooses to do so. Once the sex acts with others outside the relationship have occured, the acts are "in the past" and they cannot effect the other person unless the person chooses to do so. If you are a non-RJ sufferer, would it bother you to watch your spouse have sex with someone else right in front of you? Assume for purposes of discussion that your spouse absolutely loved it, and they went at it for a very long time, and afterwards your spouse told you it was by far the best sex he/she had ever had in his/her entire life. He/she elaborated extensively on why it was better, why he she had more orgasms, huge orgasms that he/she had never had with you, and that the other person satisified them in a way you never had.What if the sex act had absolutely no impact on your spouses behavior with you? What if he/she treated you in exactly the same way after the sex act as he/she did before. Also assume that the other person was completely sterile so there was zero risk of pregnancy, and the other person was completely disease-free.If it would bother you, why would this be? Would it be jealousy, insecurity, or something else? Your spouse was feeling pleasure, not pain. It was a wonderful experience for your spouse, and it would have absolutely no effect on you whatsoever unless you choose to let it bother you. How many of the non-RJ sufferers can honestly say this would not bother them in any way? What really is the difference between a sex act that occurred a year ago and one that occured in front of your eyes? Once it was over, it would be "in the past". Wouldn't it be irrational to have negative emotions about it? Wouldn't it simply mean you were insecure?If it bothers you because your relationship would no longer be "special" in some way, what difference does the time at which the sex act with another person occured make any difference? Again, once it's over it is "in the past" and no longer exists in reality. If it bothered you to watch it happen in front of you, what difference does it make if you are watching it? What if you didn't know about it at the time? It could not possibly effect you. Even if there is some reason it did bother you while it was going on, why would it bother you afterwards? It would be "in the past" by the time you found out about it. If it had no impact whatsoever on how your spouse interacted with you, would it then be OK?I'm not trying to be argumentative, I'm just trying to figure out in my own mind what the real differences between various situations are. I realize my hypothetical example is not entirely realistic in some ways. Its merely intended to be a "thought experiment" to help sort out issues.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2011): Sex is not the ultimate expression of intimacy. If it were, some lovers who cannot have sex could not be truly intimate. And serial rapists or child molesters could say they were only seeking true intimacy. The ultimate expression of intimacy is to be able to share yourself freely and fully with another person who accepts you and loves you anyway. That's why friends can be intimate as well as lovers. Your article is thoughtful and well-intended, but it misses the mark.
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (2 July 2011):
 i think most of us have experienced feelings of RJ at some point in our lives but can i share with you my opinion from the other side of the fence? i myself have been quite promiscuous in the past, had quite a few long term relationships, casual ones, one night stands and i can promise you this - they are firmly in my PAST, i have never thought of them longingly when i have been in subsequent relationships.
i think that retrospective jealousy is all about lack of self confidence. doesn't matter that your partner does not think their ex is better than you - the problem arises when YOU think their ex is better than you.
another thing to consider is this- imagine your partner has never been with anyone previously, they were a virgin with no previous relationships - some people would have a problem with this because they may get it into their heads that the partner would be always 'wondering what its like with other partners, thinking about what they may have missed out on' so then we have the dread that they may cheat or leave us to find a new partner, out of curiosity. again this boils down to trusting that your partner is happy enough with you - YOU need to believe in yourself that you are WORTHY of your partners love and devotion
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2011): i will have to agree with you. i am going through this right now with my wife of many years. it has nothing to do with self esteem or self in any form. it's about my partner that i love care for more than life & my self. it hurts because she was promiscuous before we got married,& it hurts deeply even after all of these years. it seems the longer we have been together the more it hurts. it has really been bothering me these past few weeks. . i feel like who ever her first one was took something special that should have belonged to us & the rest of them just made me at times feel like a number with her & cheapened our love to add more heart ache & hurt within me. don't get me wrong i love my wife & would not want to be married with any one else. i still dell with this,& these thoughts it seems like every day. i wish i could change things,but i can't.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (21 June 2011):
 This is a very interesting , well written article, dear Shawncaff, and I'd love I could accept your premises as totally correct. I could empathize more with RJ sufferers if I were sure it stems from these noble, even moving motivations.
Unluckily , I don't. Based on my personal life experience, and from what I have seen on Dear Cupid, the number, or the casualness of partners has not got much to do with how jealous people are of their partner's past. I actually know tons of people who feel bothered or threatened or just saddened by the existence of their partner's ex husband or ex wife, even if he/she is now a much detested and vilified ex husband or ex wife. To the point they can't be in the same room as the ex in a social event, or brush by them in the streets, because they can't handle to see the person who in the past has shared before them the body and the affection of their current partner.
And recently we had a post from a guy who suffered of RJ from... his wife having kissed one other guy while he and the now wife were in their initial days of dating... some 15 years before.
RJ has got nothing to do with what really happened in real life, but only with what goes on in your mind, with your insecurity, lack of a sense of self worth, ergo vulnerability, fear of comparison, fear of abandonment.
I'd say it's upside down, it all starts with shame and self devaluation,regardless - when you feel not good enough, not worthy enough, not lovable enough, THEN you will feel the need for some sort of catalyst to bring these feelings up and let them go rampant, and your wife's past lovers provide an excellent one. But if it wasn't that ....they'd find something else.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (21 June 2011):
Hi there. When and if a person asks about a new date's past sex life, it's got more to do with a low self sesteem than anything else.
People who have a healthy self esteem, don't even think about past partners, because it's history. Dead and gone.
It has no bearing on the present and what happens from now on.
Sometimes it could be a trust thing by the RJ person, and that they think their new partner won't be faithful to them.
The one real solution to the problem here, is prevention - not cure.
What I mean by this is, when you first start going out with a new partner, just don't talk about past sex lives at all.
It's nobody's business and should never be on the table for discussion at any time. Even if you have been going out for years! It simply is not relevant.
It serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever. If anything, it causes unnecessary concern for something that can't be changed anyway. So it's a complete waste of time.
You can't change history.
Don't worry about something you can't change. So just don't go there in the first place. Then there is no problem.
If one person of a couple ever brings it up, the best way to get around it is to simply say - "I don't talk about those things with anyone. It's unimportant and it serves no purpose." Then just talk about something else entirely different. If you do say this, you are not hiding anything, and you are being courteous and respectful.
We all have to learn how to trust. So trust a person completely, unless they ever give you reason not to.
If a person has had a few or several partners before they meet you, it certainly does not mean they can't be trusted. It means nothing at all.
It just means that up until now, they have not found the right one who they want to spend the rest of their life with. And that's about all. It's as simple as that.
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