A
male
age
51-59,
shawncaff
writes:OK, I know I am going to get a lot of flack for this (assuming anyone read this) but from my experience and observation I believe that a heterosexual man and woman who claim to be "best friends" without any romantic feelings...is a myth.Almost always there is something else going on under the surface:1) One of the two people has romantic feelings for the other one.2) The relationship is not as close as both are trying to make it out to be and is really more of a casual relationship.3) Each is using the other as a "spy" to gain insight into the opposite sex and to coach each other through the dating process. But the relationship is limited to that.--Here are some further reasons why such a relationship is necessarily limited:1) When one of the two people find a romantic partner, that romantic partner will usually want to lay claim to the role of being a "best friend." He or she will feel very uncomfortable if his or her spouse has a heterosexual "best friend" in addition to him to her. Wouldn't you?2) In older age (above 45), male and female "best friends" almost always end up pursuing a romantic relationship. This is because, once the sexual attractiveness recedes in importance, both realize that what is most important is compatibility in values, interests, and ways of life. The reason that "best friends" give for not getting involved (lack of sexual attraction) is really a shallow one.--I imagine the only way it can work if a girl and boy are brought up together like brother and sister. I do have a friend like that. But this is probably the only exception.So if you have a male or female best friend, I would like to hear about how you make it work. I am open to being wrong. But truthfully I think 99% you two should be dating!
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (23 April 2011):
 I agree completely, it's very easy to say "None of us have felt romantically for the other" How can you say that for the other half of the friendship? You don't know if they are being completely serious or not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): that article is questionable. my best friend is a guy, i'm a girl. Neither of us want anything else, it will never be anything else. Don't judge
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2011): Almost always, the guy would take sex if offered from his "platonic" friend. Young women can be unbelievably blind to the sexual undertones. Generally, men NEED sex, women like or love it, but they don't get crazy, angry, or just nasty from not getting any like men do. Sorry, but nature, or biology, or (I'm obligated to refer to), "God" doesn't really give a shit about political correctness when it comes to testosterone. Testosterone makes a creature want sex. Period. I am a woman who has great sympathy for men and their slavery to the hormone. Again, I'm generalizing, so don't get stupidly esoteric about what I'm saying just to be different. The rats in the cage behave in predictable ways, male or female, god bless the child that must tame the testosterone beast.
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male
reader, Rabbitwhore  +, writes (11 March 2011):
Thanks shawncaff for answering my question.As you know from my question my opinion would probably be one sided. It all depends on the people rely, woman can detach any sexual feelings for men (the friend zone) but men can't. I believe that given enough time the male will develop feelings for the female but that's just my opinion. One of my closest friends has been best friends with a very attractive girl since they were young iv asked him multiple times if he ever has feeling for her and he continually replies "No." In summery I think it all depends on the people.But on a different but not unrelated topic, iv always thought that best friends before a relationship is well in my opinion the key to a long lasting and happy relationship if they can bypass the awkward sexual tension.
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reader, fynn +, writes (8 March 2011):
Well I agree and if I entered into a relationship with someone in that situation I would run fast. Saying that I have a best friend who I have had since childhood. We don't see each other that often and there are still unwritten rules that keep things as they should.
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reader, The Gentle Man +, writes (6 March 2011):
 I have a female best friend and im out of this game at point 1, lol.
I control how I feel though and at times it can be a little difficult but i'm lucky to have such a special friend and I wouldn't risk it for anything.
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reader, Jackalus +, writes (4 March 2011):
You have gd points but I disagree because my best friend is a girl and we never thunk of each other sexually we help each other in bad relationships with advice about our gender.
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female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (3 March 2011):
 Well, I am an example against what your post is saying. I have a best friend who is a guy and I never ever think of him sexually. He says the same thing to me. It's like thinking of us in a sexual way will make me vomit or die. I don't know but my situation is one proof that close friendships with the opposite sex do exist and their gender has nothing to do with it. And by the way, my sisters also have their own straight male best friends and we all feel the same way about them. They are just like brothers to us. With my bestfriend, we even come to a point where he talks about his bedroom activities with his wife. I also mention to him about my boyfriend and we always have a good laugh about our sex lives. I have never felt awkward talking to him, I feel he is just like a male version of my friends. And everyone knows him and he met all my past boyfriends as well.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (2 March 2011):
 I actually disagree with most, but I'm the one who has a male best friend..I'm even married! No, I'm not a tomboy either.
1.) I can honestly say neither one of us have looked at each other in the romantic light.
2.) We're actually pretty close. I've spent the night at his house, I know all of his family, I go over there on some holidays, I call his father by his nickname, we eat lunch together, and call each other to bitch about our day. Although I do admit that are relationship isn't as strong as it was, due to the fact that I got married last year and I live in another state.
3.) Bahahaha, you know I do give him female insight but he never wants to listen to the advice I give him! I mean who should know better than a female, right?
1.) Actually, my best friend is friends with my sister-in-law so my husband already sort of knew him. When we all went to dinner they hit it off. So well that he wanted my husband to come over to his aunt's for a BBQ. They really don't mind each other at all.
2.) I can understand this if they're 45 above and have yet to marry or are both divorced. It's understandable that may believe that the one they were meant to be with was in front of them all along. Me and my best friend made a pact that if neither of us were married by 30, we would get hitched. Don't know how well that would have worked out.
Might I note that we've been best friends for 4 years so we really don't have a brother/sister relationship, before that when I lived in a different state I had another male best friend. This other best friend was metrosexual. He however isn't gay, in fact he's had a few girlfriends but any other girl he tries to pursue they end up placing him in the friend zone. So I would say that would be another exception.
Well written article though.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2011): I'm not sure I've had a "best friend" since I was 16. I really hate to call anybody my "best friend", female or male...I don't even like it when the term has been applied to me. For instance, how can you be 3 people's "best friend" at the same time.
I don't mean to be such a misanthropic person, but I don't like confiding in the same person all the time.... This doesn't mean I don't have close friends...Perhaps it means I'm not a trusting person, but I would like it to mean that I appreciate a variety of perspectives and personalities.
I do have close male friends. We do talk and seek advice from each other for how to deal with the opposite gender. What's wrong with that? Why does it have to be as morally heavy as "spying"?
Another thing I think that binds me to my male friends is the fact that I know I am not attracted to them and I know they aren't attracted to me. We can appreciate each other's humor and each other's intelligence...why does our gender have to get in the way? That's as antiquated as saying race gets in the way...or age gets in the way. Evidently it doesn't for a lot of people.
I say this only because I do have male friends who I admire and spend time with, but I don't think about them in a sexual way. It's not for lack of trying either. Sometimes, I even really do try, but after 30 seconds I get distracted with things like doing laundry or making a sandwich. I literally am not interested in having sex with them despite my best efforts.
Maybe you're right about "best friends" of the opposite sex, but I do want to pipe up to say that men and women can have platonic friendships. They do exist.
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reader, ladyprestige +, writes (27 February 2011):
I agree. In all honesty, a male and female can not be just friends for too too long. Someone is going to want more. The exception would be two couples. A friendship could possibly work if there is no physical contact. I mean like via text messages and e-mail long distance kind of stuff. But to physically hang out, talk about everything and know everything about each other, it wouldn't work. Personal experience, my male and female best friends married each other last year.
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reader, Ediegoose +, writes (24 February 2011):
I agree also, this is very much true.
I also think that girls often say that they have a best friend who is a boy merely because it seems cool.
I sure did. And still do.
You are right, i do love him too.
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reader, Kilcardy +, writes (22 February 2011):
Absolutely agree. Apart from the rare exceptions, so many guys (and girls) torture themselves hanging around their "friend" only to watch their friend date other people, fall in love with other people, etc. I say, if you want a friend...get a dog. Don't look to the opposite sex to fill the friend role.
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reader, Jmtmj +, writes (21 February 2011):
 That hasn't been my experience. I'd venture that what you say applies to a majority of opposite sex best friends, but the exceptions are far from "mythological" status.
We ain't griffins :P
I very carefully thought about my best friend who is a girl and considered your points. I understand that its something that one could get defensive about and lose their objectivity on, but I feel genuinely confident that our friendship is not so easily pidgeon-holed by your criteria.
Yes there are limits, especially when dating others, but we tone down contact, we treat each others current partner with as much respect as we would afford each other. Yes, we've had ups and downs, but we forgive easily and can talk openly about anything.
When we are both single we still respect certain boundaries, physical contact is still kept limited to greeting and goodbye hugs. Occasionally straight after a break up we might sleep in the same bed and snuggle, but that's merely to help get past those initial dark days.
We have never kissed and I've been BF's with her for over 10 years. I know that if she tried to make a move on me that I'd stop her and she would stop me if I tried to make a move on her. It works, and it works well.
As for partners getting jealous... sorry, but to be limited to who I can and can't be friends with based on whether someone has a vagina or a penis is utterly ridiculous to me. I will befriend who I want, I will see them when I want, I will not be governed by my partners insecurities and jealousy... but I will also not deceive, conspire or cheat and my current partner understands that.
Its partly why I like her so much.
Both myself and my friend are very open when it comes to our own individual potential partners. We lay it out straight, this is who I am, if you don't like it, there's the door. Its a litmus test and I'm glad that its paid off as we now both have incredibly compatible partners who we're both completely smitten with. I can't believe how much more uncomplicated and unstressful this relationship is turning out to be as there's complete trust, no jealousy and no insecurities.
As for older age... well I'm no psychic, but I'll get back to you in a decade or two... ;)
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reader, dirtball +, writes (20 February 2011):
 I agree, well put.
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reader, melomat  +, writes (20 February 2011):
 You are so right. Even those that have been raised together can still have sexual relations. Ones partner is your friend and your loves. Finding friends of the opposite mean she's not good enough for you. It would be better if the friend became both your friend. It's essential for the friend to put themselves in the lovers shoes that helps
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