A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm 19 and in my first year at uni, and I've never had a boyfriend before or during uni (or even been on a date, though I've been asked out quite a few times). I've never slept with anyone either. I just don't see the point of short-term stuff. It seems like a waste of time.It's not that I'm asexual (if anything it's the other way around, and I've been really tempted to go back with guys in clubs a few times). I don't buy into that "purity" crap either and don't care if someone calls me a slag, but on the other hand I just don't want to sleep with/commit myself to someone I'm going to end up losing in a couple of years anyway. Friends with benefits is not something I want to try either. I just don't feel like I want to commit myself emotionally to someone who doesn't feel like they're really, really into me. Hardly anyone I know at uni is in a serious relationship or thinks they're going to stay with their partner after graduating. There's a definite party culture at my uni which doesn't help. Even male friends who aren't "lads" are often not really sure about their girlfriends and don't see a future with them, but stay with them just for the sex.I'd rather settle down, get a proper job, and grow into a mature adult before finding a partner who will stick with me for life, but is this a little weird? Should I get some experience dating/being in a relationship at uni first? A lot of friends seem to think it's strange when I tell them I've never had a boyfriend before, but I just haven't found anyone I liked enough to be with yet.
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male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (11 May 2013):
Don't let anyone make you feel less for doing what you ever you wanted to do with your life, be it partying like an animal or waiting for when things feel right. I always say do what you want to do, live with no regret.
What you are doing is indeed rare but not wrong. I myself have friends who did the same as you, felt the same as you and asked the same questions. They turned out pretty fine. So I can reassure you that you are not alone.
Just for the record I was not a party animal but I did take more chances surely than you. I'm pretty happy where I am as I have no regrets. My friends who also held out, are fine where they are, as they also have no regrets.
Good luck to you, I hope you find yourself in the vast mess we call life.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2013): Give me five on this.Of the limitless opportunities I get to get laid am a virgin rather never kissed.(Infact I once slapped a girl who was trying to kiss me)Just chill everyone is different.Your peers aren't wrong because they have the growling hormones.And as it is you have to marry,let just relationship and sex wait for that.Stay as you are different unique and wait for that guy that person who feels is 'the' one for you
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (10 May 2013):
 I think you are being a bit harsh with your peers. Normally at 19 people are not ready to commit, or even to make very long term plans when they know there are so many choices and experiences in front of them which may lead them in a few years to be all different from now and want all different things and partners.
That does not mean it has to be all about sex and raging hormons, although I'm sure this plays a big part. People want to date and be in a couple also for affection, companionship, emotional support, and having a sidekick to share experiences with, and I am not just talking about sexual experiences. Travelling, or just watching a movie, or tryng a new food, can be also rewarding by yourself- but it's twice as rewarding if you can share it with a special friend ( which basically it's the most a 19 y.o. partner can realistically be ).
Said that, there's nothing wrong if you feel and do differently. It may be a bit unusual, and that's why you get comments, but it's not weird or wrong or unhealthy.
Who better than you knows your personal wants and needs, and if you prefer flyng solo for a few more years, or until you meet someone that really turns your world upside down, that's fine too - do what works for you and don't worry about what people say .
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (10 May 2013):
 Actually, you're being very level-headed in not wanting to waste time. They say youth is wasted on the young, and it's true. You are in a unique period of your life: you likely don't have too many responsibilities, and have the chance to explore and create the life of your future. It's definitely the time to explore, think, dream.
The only thing I would question is your insinuation that all relationships at your age are short-term. Most might be, but there have to be some people, like you, who want more. I don't think you should limit yourself in that area either. It just might be that you might meet someone who can also open your eyes to things you never considered. I know couples who met in college, went on to marry and create families and remain in love.
You are right to be discriminating. But I wouldn't rule out possibilities either. Especially not at your age.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2013): I was exactly where you were at nineteen and had the same issue. I am now twenty four and in grad school. I felt the same way you did and acted like you did. There are horrors stories out everywhere. Date rape is rampant in many universities even though everyone says that they are trying to prevent such. Be very careful of anyone who says they are trying to prevent such things as rape and brutalization. Talk is cheap very cheap. Action is hard and sometimes difficult to enact or enforce. Be careful who you talk to about your relationship experiences you know that there are female sexual predators out there also. I am sure you do. I had many hit on me in the first year. They want to help you get in touch or discover your sexual pleasures.They just want to munch on your bush nothing else or worse. Please remember this tell nobody of your sexual background or history. Its not their business and if they tell you their story they are probably stretching the truth. Be careful when you go to these parties on and off campus. Remember one thing if something happens to you off campus you have little or no protection by the law. Take me I know somebody what had a bad experience with it. Your on your own. Get to learn the lingo and find out what kind of party is going to happen. You will learn quickly where you shouldn't be going. Get involved in some of the social clubs on campus some are good but some also have a hidden agenda be wary and tread carefully. You decide and you decide alone when and who you want to be with. Take the lessons which you were a little girl and growing up and apply these to your everyday life. My first boyfriend happened in my junior year of undergrad school. It lasted two years and it was great. It was a relationship of giving and taking but also one of love and intimacy. I never had the desire to have multiple sex partners and be stoned out of my mind. I learned the horrors of this kind of behaviour my mom is ER nurse and when I had my first period we had the daughter and mom talk. Later on she told me about the victims and horrors some of these poor women endured. As I got older I found out myself and became a qualified sexual assault counsellor. To this day I still give about ten hours a week to this great cause. Today I am half way through grad school and have been again only with one man and it is almost two years. Relationships as you know require work and sometimes a lot of it. But at the end of the day it is about giving and receiving and love and support. I believe you are thinking down along the lines I have in the past five years. Good luck keep up the fight I am proud to hear a woman such as yourself who bucks popular trends and has actually strong moral fibre. You would make a great role model. Hold strong that special man will come around or be there when you are ready for a relationship. Your not a sex object but a beautiful human being. Please never ever forget that. Good-luck. God Bless xo
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