A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hey, I need some help to get my head straight after losing all faith in men, or maybe not men, but straight-forward, monogamous relationships...do they ever exist??I've been with my bf for nearly a year. We love each other, and he's mentioned wanting to get married and have children. On the surface, everything's great. But, 3 months ago, I found he was 'sexting' a girl he used to work with, which he says he didn't realise was disrespectful to me and which he since stopped. A few weeks later, he ended up in bed with 2 of his female friends after a very drunken night out - I found them in bed when I got home from work the next morning, and all said nothing had happened:( We worked through all this, and I made it clear that if he betrayed my trust again, we'd be finished. He was upset and said he didn't want to lose me. I've met most of his friends and all his family, so he seems to have a lot invested in our relationship. Anyway, we then went through a miscarriage (unplanned pregnancy due to contraceptive failure) - I asked him to keep this to himself, but he told a work colleague and it became gossip :( So I've been trying hard to trust him, and nothing more has happened until today - he asked me to check his FB account for a message from a mutual friend about an event we've been invited to, and there was a message from his ex-gf saying "I think you promised me something...lol" from him, and her reply was "I would give you what I promised but I don't think your gf would like it...lol." They then go on to talk about some film or other, nothing else dodgy in the conversation, but it kinda makes me feel uncomfortable. He and this girl broke up 3 years ago because she was still in love with her ex, who she moved to live with, but she broke up with him and moved 10 miles from where we live a few months ago. She has invited him to spend the day with her before, but I think he couldn't go because of work. She's also texted him to say she misses him before:( I'm annoyed because I introduced him to my family (at his request) this weekend, which was a big deal to me, and later the same day, he'd sent that message :( I'm starting to feel you can't trust anyone not to hurt you in a relationship, and that if the chance arises for a guy to betray you, he will - am I wrong?FYI, my ex-bf and I were together for 7 years until I found he had a secret cell phone and was cheating with 3 other girls.My relationships before that we ok, no cheating as far as I know, ended mutually, but one of those ex-bfs recently got married and was 'sexting' me on his wedding day! (Which I ignored).Also, my parents divorced because my mother had an affair.I am left feeling that you can't trust anyone, that people will always betray you if the opportunity arises... I feel so disappointed in relationships and am starting to think it is better to be single. It also makes me feel bad about myself, like I am not worthy of someone being loyal to me.I don't know what more I can give this guy - he tells me I'm loving, fun, supportive, we have a great sex life...and still he's doing these things. Is it my fault? I don't get it.Thanks for reading.
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affair, broke up, divorce, drunk, her ex, his ex, my ex, sex life, text, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, shawncaff  +, writes (16 August 2011):
 You know, this may sound real cheesy, but I am gonna state an observation from life and apply it eventually to your situation. (Just give me a couple moments please!)
You see, I live not far from a college campus. Sometimes I walk there along a busy road. En route there are squirrels who live along this road. They live a very stressful life, always dodging cars, and jumping in trash cans, scavenging for bits of food. However, just a few blocks down, the squirrels who live on campus live a very peaceful life: they frolic on the freshly manicured lawns, students are always tossing them nuts.
I once remarked to a friend, "Why don't the first group of squirrels just go a couple blocks down to the college campus? They could have a wonderful life!"
My friend answered simply, "Because it's what they're used to. They don't know there's anything better."
The reason I bring this up is because you remind me of the first group of squirrels. You are in a relationship that is not based in trust and honesty, and you've unfortunately been witness to several other similar relationships growing up. So you make the deduction that this is how all relationships are.
I would like to challenge that assumption. Before throwing out all relationships and lowering your standards) or tossing them out all together), why don't you look around further and see if good relationships exist. Google it on the Internet, observe your friends and extended family, go to places where you will meet families (like church, or a political group, or just an outing).
It takes a spirit of adventure to say, "What I see around me is not the whole world. Let me see what else is out there!"
Then maybe you will end up like the second group of squirrels.
(OK, OK, this might have been nauseatingly cheesy and useless. But I do not think your bf is the example of what all men do.)
A
male
reader, Kyle007 +, writes (16 August 2011):
One reason this keeps happening is that you keep tolerating it. You should have dumped him because of the texts alone, but really, when he got drunk and 2 female friends woke up next to him?
You are making it known that others can get away with this sort of thing. Maybe something that did not occur on some of those previous relationships.
I will tell you this, I think people who stay in touch with exes are playing a dangerous game, especially if they are involved with someone.
Here would be a good place to start (and I emphasize START): Me personally, I don't stay friends or in touch or anything after I end a romance with someone. And I am monogamous. I believe your heart wanders when you stay in touch with an ex. Sure there are exceptions, like divorced couples who share custody, that can't be avoided.
But it has been my experience that when your significant other stays in touch with an ex, it does not lead to anything good most of the time.
Another very good thing to find out is if the person is otherwise immoral. Do you find him lying to other people? Does he steal small things from his place of work? Does he pay back money? Does he keep his word? Does he watch porn?
People who are generally honest and dependable and have a clean morality won't cheat. There are no guarantees on this, but I hope that this helps.
And DONT let people walk all over you. LIKE YOURSELF.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2011): No it's not your fault these guys cheat. When you stay with guys who cheat, you will have trust issues! You stay with cheaters instead of dumping them when they cheat.
You don't have the power to change another human being. You do have the power to walk away when you get betrayed until you find a guy who is loyal. You won't ever find that loyal guy if you stay years and years in these dead end situations.
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