A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I have slept with two guys in my life. Most of my friends haven't even been with one. It's not like I barely knew either guy, I knew both very well and genuinely cared for them.The problem is, being only sixteen, I feel cheap. I wish I could go back and tell myself to wait. The second guy I slept with, well, our relationship was ruined by sex.I feel disgusting and like no one will ever respect me because I've not only had sex, but with more than one person!Am I right to feel this way? Every guy I'm even friends with now talks about sex with me like I'm some sort of expert and I feel so cheap.Help?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for so much amazing feedback.I think I'll try to come to terms with my past and NOT date anyone for a while... I shouldn't let this get in the way of what I really care about, which is my schoolwork.I did what I did, and it doesn't make me a horrible person.Again, thank you to everyone.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): I not gonna tell you there is no reason to be bothered by this. There is. It would not bother every girl on earth but it does bother you and that's the only thing that matters. People on Dearcupid are saying, "Don't worry about it, you're fine!" But if you were asking them if it were okay to be the only virgin among your friends they would be saying the same thing to you and probably saying you're smarter than the girls having sex at your age.
The point is that it's your choice and you are obviously not happy with what you are choosing right now. So stop choosing this way. I agree with the other people not to "jump off the cliff" and start sleeping with guys like there's no tomorrow. If you decide to stop now (not saying you need to) then by the time you are 19 or 20 your number will be the lowest one of anyone you know.
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reader, Will 77 +, writes (2 August 2011):
Soon you'll have a new boyfriend, which is great. He may put some pressure on you to have sex with him because you did it with your other boyfriends and fair is fair, right? Wrong. Be true to yourself and give yourself a chance to grow up. Time is on your side, sweety.
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reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (2 August 2011):
 First of all, its nobody's business to talk about who you've had sex with and how many times you've done it. How do the guys whom you're friends with, know about this anyway? Its your personal life and your choices and dont allow anyone to comment on that.
You had your reasons for having sex. Its not that you slept with the first person you came across.
Learn from your actions, but dont develop an unhealthy attitude towards sex. Dont go by what "society" says. On the one hand there is tremendous pressure on youngsters to lose their virginity and on the other hand you feel cheap if you actually do it. Its a no-win situation either way, so dont ever try to please everyone. Do what YOU think is right and you will have no regrets.
You had sex early, it was your decision and if you feel you should have waited, then learn from it now, and henceforth give it time before you get physical. It doesnt make you cheap and no one needs to know. If people talk about it, be firm and tell them that it doesnt concern them in any way and you are not answerable to anyone.
Hold your head high. You havent done anything wrong.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): Hey im a male going through a tough time with a girlfriends former past and what has happened both to her as well as what she has done. All I have to say is that its not a mistake but if you feel this way to live and learn take how you feel and turn it into a life lesson. In our culture every guy wants to be a whore and marry a virgin but in reality that will hardly happen. Dont let yourself be fooled into thinking that now that its happened you should go off on a bender but keep yourself reserved and have respect for yourself these events are not a determinign factor in who you are but if you let them be will bring you down. There are plenty of guys out there who are the same way and just want to find that one someone that they can be with, in this aspect we are no diffrent than females. We may talk a big game but all we are realy after is someone important to us no matter what has happened. It may be a hard road to go down accepting someone. But you are not cheap or worthless never tell yourself this or you will become exactly what you fear, its a self fuffilling prophecy. Have respect for yourself and value sex for what it is worth. It shouldnt be something experimented with but reserved only for those you respect, trust, and care about at all levels of a relationship and for those that care in those same aspects for you. We all make mistakes and have regrets its what you do wiht those that make us who we are I hope this helps just know that no matter what you should know yourself and be comfortable wiht you before you can ever try to be comfortable wiht someone else.
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reader, empty-1 +, writes (2 August 2011):
Honey don't you DARE talk like that about yourself! You made choices. You cared for guys, felt safe and comfortable with them, and became intimate. That's NOT wrong, it's NOT bad, and it DOES NOT make you cheap!This sexual self identity disfunction that our society perpetrates on BOTH genders is not only incredibly unfair to you as a female, it is ALSO just as incredibly unfair to the males around you!You have a sex drive. Guess what? That means you're HEALTHY! You acted on it. Guess wehat? that makes you DECISIVE!If you want to know why every guy talks about sex with you, there's 2 basic reasons. 1: they're guys, that means sex is on their brains on average once every 12 seconds. 2: YOU ARE an expert compared to them! OK - two guys. It's really not that many, however, you've had more experience than most of the guys you know COMBINED!Truth be told they're afraid. Afraid they don't really have a clue as to what the heck they're doing where the whole sex thing is concerned, and even more afraid that their ignorance and ineptitude WILL SHOW. That's one of those parts of how the sexually disfunctional self identity we are taught is unfair to guys (it gets worse than that, but it's what's relevant to your current concern).Hold your head up high, and don't ever be ashamed of who you are! You are a helthy vibrant young woman who is learning to engage with and express her sexual self! Not only is there nothing wrong with that, quite the contrary - there's everything right with it!Be proud of who you are, and don't ever cheapen your self image by the bullsh!t that our dyfunctional pop culture thries to shove down your throat!Do - on the other hand maintain that pride! Don't go having sex for the wrong reasons! Don't do it to try and get someone or people in general to like you or accept you. Don't let yourself be pushed, prodded, or cajoled into doing something YOU aren't in the mood for! Part of being a proud, healthy, and sexyally expressive person is knowing WHY we have sexual interactions. If you behave sexually because you enjoy what you are doing, and enjoy doing it with the person you are with, and they are as concerned for your pleasure as you are for theirs, then there is ABSOLOUTELY NOTHING wrong with two consenting humans - who are able to appreciate the potential rmifications of their decision - respectfully engaging in whatever behavior they like!
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reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (2 August 2011):
 You need to forgive yourself. It's not like you've run around sleeping with every Tom Dick and Harry.
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male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (2 August 2011):
 You're thinking about sex like jumping off a cliff: once you've had it with more that one person, there's no going back. You're doomed to fall into the pit below.
Maybe when you're 16 and everything looks dramatic, it is understandable that you think this way. But as someone far older than you, I would say that "cheapness" is not determined as much by things you've done in the past but rather by how you let these experiences form you in the future.
You have two choices now: you can say that you are now branded as cheap and start a life of sleeping around, or you can use your experiences and feelings to shape your future attitude toward dating and sex. You can see how sex has affected your relationships, so now you can understand and utilize sex (or the absence of it) to form better relationships in the future. That sounds far from cheap to me.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): Honey, it`s ok! Sex is nothing to be ashamed of. Men that MATTER will be totally understanding. A lot of people I know had much more sex than that with many more people than you by your age. You are just a young woman exploring yourself and the world around you and sex is largely a part of that. As long as you are careful and smart about your decisions, it is your life. Keep your head held high. People who shame women for having or enjoying sex are not very good people anyways.
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reader, Gay Agony Help  +, writes (2 August 2011):
Hi. You should not feel disgusting or anything negative! The way I view sex is, every time you have sex with someone new, it's your first time again. With this in mind, if I were you, I wouldn't these other two guys down to experience and stop focusing on them. If anything, it makes you more prepared for the future! Good look, you'll be fine.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): Eh. People judge. Too bad.
All you can do is refuse to judge yourself as they do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): Don't sleep with anyone new for a couple of years. By the time you're 20, most friends will have enough sexual partners to count on both hands :) It'll be ok. You've just had an early start. Slow down now, focus on school and being a better you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2011): Don't tell people, it's none of their business. Or if you want, explain to them just what you said above, that you genuinely cared about them, that doesn't make you cheap or anything like that. Everyone's experiences are different, so don't blame yourself for not conforming to someone else's idea of what is right. There's no point in dwelling miserably on the past!
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (2 August 2011):
 Well, I respect you. But then I'm the devil.
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