A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:If opposites attract can they live a long happy married life together? I am in my 40s, my children are grown, my first marriage lasted almost 20 years. I met a man who's also in his 40s with two grown children. He has been married two times before. We are opposites, his family are heavy drinkers, my family are non drinkers, we are a church going family and traditional, his family not at all. I feel very much in love with this man and we married after dating for only 1 1/2 years. The past three months I am very appalled and disturbed to find out how many women he has slept with, not just dated but his "friends" he has slept with. His "friends" have been calling and or texting him to have sex. This is making me physically sick to think that people have sex with everyone and anyone, including friends, and its no big deal. Obviously I am old fashioned, I have never had sex with a "friend". So my question is "Can I get over this and continue a life with a man who has such a disgusting past sex life?" I know no one is perfect, I'm having a hard time going out in public and running into so many women "friends" that my husband has slept with. Please give me advice, thank you.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 September 2013):
 my concern would not be what he did in the past... but rather that it's STILL going ON. WHAT did he NOT say to these women that leads them to believe that asking a married man for sex is ok?
do they even know he's married? IF NOT WHY NOT?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2013): Opposites attract in the short term but repel in the long term.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): Let's be honest here. His past isn't affecting you, It's the fact that these "friends" are still calling asking for sex. If they weren't I don't think you would be bothered so much by it. You see them and you can hear them. It's part of his past that honestly you shouldn't have to deal with.
At the end of the day, if your husband didnt want them calling, they wouldn't be calling. The real question is why is my husband still in contact with women from his past? That's the REAL question. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 I'm thinking the problem here is that once you and him married, and moved together, you got to see the full scale of things. You met these "friends" before you married him too, and it wasn't a problem. But then after living with him, and seeing the requests he gets for sex etc... Well I'm thinking this is where it started to become a problem. He shouldn't be getting questions like these now that he is not single. Why does he still receive them? Why is this still continuing even after you are married?
You need to discuss this with him, because to me this isn't about accepting some past sexual behaviour. This is about dealing with sexual behaviour that is still ongoing. They are texting him with sexual content, their relationship to him is not platonic, yet he keeps them around. He, or his lovers, aren't done yet with their "free love" and casual sex. There is no way you can stay married to a man who keeps having flings on the side, it's crossing over into cheating now, not "past sexual behaviour".
Ask him why they still text him, and why he still keeps them around. If he hasn't told them he is married then you know that he was planning on seeing them in a sexual manner again. If he has told them he is married, and they keep texting him like this, then he needs to block their number and not meet them again, because they are showing zero respect for you and your marriage.
Put this sexual behaviour in the past before you try to accept it as something of the past. Right now, this is current.
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (2 September 2013):
 I also wonder what drove to a man whose values are so different from yours. Whatever it was, you are now together and have to deal with the problem at hand.
To answer this, you have to figure out what is bothering you about this and how it affects your relationship with him.
For example, yes, he had sex with friends. Why does it bother you? Not saying it shouldn't, just wondering. Does it mean your sex with him is somehow cheapened? Does it mean his friendships have become more shallow? Does it mean your relationship, sexual and emotional, has become changed?
No matter what you are viscerally feeling, calling him or his actions "disgusting" or worse will not help. You need to personalize it and think through how it affects you--society's values aside.
If he is willing to work through this with you and talk about it, there is a chance of you pulling through this for the stronger. If you cannot, this is an issue that is going to grow.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 I believe you found out this information only after you married him. I would be more bothered that his friends are texting him for sex. It is clearly disrespecting you. I wonder about his taste in friends. Asking a married man for sex shows a lack of personal boundaries. I would say they are not friends but fuck buddies (Sorry.) Maybe these women don't know he got married. They check in with him from time to time. Your husband should erase those numbers and block them. They have no place in your marriage. Even for a person with a wild history, it is courtesy that he doesn't rub it in your face that he has marked territory everywhere. If he sees them in public just a hi is enough, he doesn't have to let you know that he had sex with them.
I don't know if you can get over it. It's my belief that if there is a will there is a way.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 September 2013):
 When you went in to this relationship and marriage... it's apparent that you knew that this man was 'way different from you. What possessed you to keep pursuing (or, tolerating) him such that you and he married????
While you may find his private past to be at odds with your's... AND, with your moral dictates.... is it absolutely necessary that you take such a vitriolic view of it? (Your language selection makes this crystal-clear.)
If "yes," then it seems likely that you and Mr. will have to go your separate ways.... You've shown us the extent of your disdain for this aspect of this man.... and - unless you are going to be more forgiving of it (the past) and him - then this "sounds" like an insurmountable obstacle....
Have you spoken to HIM about this?
Good luck....
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (2 September 2013):
 I have to ask: what is your connection to this man? I mean what is drawing you to him?
From your brief description, you are polar opposites, in some of the most extreme values. Usually couples share a common ground -- especially ones that stick together long term. So far you don't really share one. You obviously have different views on a lot of "core" values and while it may seem interesting now, it may lead to some turbulent times down the road.
The main problem I see you dealing with is his sexual fidelity. If women are still texting him to have sex with him, despite you guys being married, that indicates a problem. Either he is leading these women on or he needs to change his phone number.
Unfortunately, for you, you are going to have accept the fact that he has "been around" a bit. He obviously lived a very full singles life and hopefully he is being faithful to you. If the proximity of all of his past lovers are haunting you, it may be wise considering moving to a new location. Sometimes having a bit of closure and distance can help alleviate your concerns.
While there are no concrete answers or assurances I can give you, it does sound like you need to ask yourself: do you trust your husband? If not, it may be time to explore why. Your subconscious could be on to something.
Eddie
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): This may sound harsh, however you need to get over it. Calling his past disgusting is a little juvanile. Humans have been having sex since the begining of time. Whilst I respect your choice to belive in the church, let me ask you something... What is so wrong with 2 consenting adults doing something so natrual? It would be worse if your husband turned out to be a serial killer would it not? Too often women get wrapped up in such trivial matters. It is the past, what is done is done. Either you are able to move past it or not. Why did you marry him if you felt this way? Sex is just a physical way of expressing yourself with another person, it won't change how he feels about you. he clearly loves you or he wouldn't have married you. try talking to him about it. Ask him to stop his friends texting him as this upsets you and is very disrespectful to you as his wife. Having said all of that remember the past is the past and he is with you. Try not to judge him and don't think of sex as disgusting... Disugsting is people who hurt or murder or do something really bad... Not a husband who has a past and has sex with different women.On the other hand, you also need to examine yourself. Why is this so upsetting to you? Why is his past affecting your feelings for him? Is there an underlying issue?
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