A
male
age
51-59,
shawncaff
writes:I recently had an insight (at least an insight for me) into loneliness and relationships which I thought I would share here on DC to bounce off other agony aunts and uncles and those who consult them.Recently I was contacted again by a woman with whom I have had a difficult relationship in the past. I don't want to get into the details except to say it took a lot for me to get free of her. When she contacted me again, I felt myself attracted to her again and pulled back into what could only be described as a highly toxic and destructive relationship.I thought to myself, "Why do I feel the strong pull toward her again?"And then the answer came to me. It was, simply, because I am lonely.This acceptance of my state prevented me from going back to her. I then realized that if I had admitted this a long time, I could have saved myself much money, confusion and heartache.This particular woman did not treat me very well. She used me, lied to me, broke promises, at the same time she was using other men as well (and sleeping with them, which she was not even doing with me). But because I was too afraid to face the fact of my loneliness, I kept trying to make excuses for her. But once I shifted the focus away from her and onto the root cause of my situation, I was able to keep more of my dignity intact.The point I am trying to make is that I think we are often pulled into destructive relationships and try to fix or make sense out of what is obviously a bad match because of loneliness. Rather than asking, "Why is she doing this to me," or "How can I accept him/her when he/she has cheated and hurt me over and over again?" we should focus on the primary cause of our entering into these relationships, which is loneliness, and try to deal with that.Once we FIRST admit and accept the fact of our loneliness, instead of running from it, we are THEN able to make wiser choices about how to fill it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2011): i agree.. well done shawncaff.. that would surely help to motivate others who are in bad relationship.. i wish you all the best in life n finding the right lady (",)
A
female
reader, Fate100percent  +, writes (7 September 2011):
I would just like to point out that many married people can also feel 'lonely' too, and many single people are not!
I think it also depends on if you enjoy your own company. Although in relationships you do have to give and take to some degree, never settle for less than you deserve.
I think confidence plays a key role too. You have to love yourself first (I don't mean in a vain way, just a self worth way) before you can love others, and if you let people treat you as a doormat, there will, unfortunately, always be people around willing to stamp their feet all over you.
I don't know your story, but you sound like you are well rid of her, but on the plus side, meeting her was not all bad as you seemed to have learnt some valuable life lessons and have come out the other end, happier and more confident and looking to the future :-)
A good, interesting article x
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2011): A good friend of mine, gave me some advice before she died. I haven't forgotten it, 'never get into a relationship just because your lonely'.She spoke from experience
You can be lonely even when you are surrounded by people who care,family,friends... but if you don't have that somebody special all of your own, its hard sometimes.
Your right not to settle, it means your a strong person with self respect
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 September 2011):
 Good article, interesting perspective , excellent insight and...since I know the background story a little better, allow me : consider yourself hugged, Shawncaff. You are getting stronger and stronger and I am proud of you.
Loneliness is a weird beast and makes people do strange stuff, but I don't think that a good Uncle like you can define himself really lonely. I bet many posters and other Aunts have profited from your advices and see you as a friend in their thoughts.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (6 September 2011):
 good article shawncaff and its great that you have had this realization into what makes you tolerate all she has been throwing at you. people often use relationships to fill the void in their life caused by lack of friends and good family relationship and will accept any partner (even wrong ones) the partner knows that they can do bad things because you are needy. i hope your introspection now will help you break the destructive cycle this woman had you caught up in
x
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