A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I need help, im so depressed i cant see any hope of getting out of this depression.I've always let guys use me. I've helped with money, everything but because of a lack of confidence and self esteem i have always come out badly. The last guy left me so financially badly off i had to enrol in an iva.I worked with a guy for 2 years who seemed genuine from the start but became another user and has lied frequently to me and i know because-please dont judge asked me one day to check something on his email and i havent been able to stop looking since and found a whole load of lies hes told and i cant confront him over any of it. He asks for money then i discover hes squanders it. i feelso wretched i have no confidence and am stuck in this job and just want to go but cant afford to. This depression is really getting to me and i dont want to go to a doctor but i need confidence desperately and am in despair.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 July 2011):
 Shawncaff 's advices are excellent and to them I only have to add this :
- you don't want to see a doctor, but you must. Some situations necessarily call for professional help. I don't particularly want to go to the dentist, but I can't drill my teeth by myself.
- every day is a brand new day and a brand new start. If until today you have been helping the wrong people, from now on you can stop. If until today you have felt compelled to snoop into this guy's emails, from now on you can stop. The past determines your future ONLY if you let that happen.
- It's important that you snap out of the victim mentality and see/accept your responsibility in what happened. Not to feel bad about yourself or kick yourself in the back side, just to avoid the same mistakes.
In your case, for instance. It's very telling that you say " I gave him money and he squanders it". If you had given him money just out of the goodness of your heart, for the only reason to make him happy, that would not bother you . When,say, I give my son his cash birthday gift, maybe I'd rather he'd spend it on books or art supplies- which I like - than on video games- that I dislike. But hey, as long as he is happy, fine with me.
It sounds you had a vested interest instead, your generosity had strings attached. It's like you have helped him to impress him or get his love back or make him grateful and obligated to you... As harsh as it sounds, you have tried hard to buy yourself a place in his life that you knew you were not going to get for free. Isn't that only slightly manipulative, self serving and insincere than what he has done to you ? ..
This is not said to "blame the victim ", but because if we never understand clearly which part we have played in the problems we had, we are bound to face the same problems again and again indefinitely.
A
male
reader, shawncaff  +, writes (25 July 2011):
 Sadly in this world there are users who will use without mercy or any of the sympathy you are getting from these empathetic aunts here on DC.
You are in a terrible hole and you need to reach out for support because as the walkin' dude said, you can't do this yourself.
Here are some things you can do:
1) Pray. Even if you are not religious, you might find pouring your heart out honestly to God will give you strength.
2) Go to family and friends who you trust for emotional and financial support. It is no shame.
3) If these are not an option, speak to people here on DC. I am sure many here will answer you. Look through the questions and see what aunts you like based on their answers. I, for one, will be open to listening.
4) Get therapeutic help. A good therapist can point you in a direction and recommend a course of action to improve your self-esteem.
Sometimes the road ahead is covered in darkness and it is impossible to see. But in those times, please have faith that there is a road, and even though you may not see it now, it will come into focus again, soon. Best wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2011): I'm sorry to hear you're having such a tough time. Depression is a horrible thing to suffer from but if you don't go and see your doctor it will only get worse. You can't do this by yourself.
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A
female
reader, JessicaStarDust +, writes (24 July 2011):
 I'm very sorry for all this. It's unfortunate, but sadly it's something we all have to deal with some point in time.
Either be used or be strong.
My best advice that I can give you is this;
Everyday look into the mirror for 20 secs. Look at yourself!
Say 10 positive things about yourself. Make sure they are something different everyday.
Learn to say no. "enough is enough"
Do not let anyone use you. It's a hard habit to get out of.
I was in it myself, My ex left me in such debit that I am back living with my mother. But since him, I have learned to better myself. I do not need someone who is so pathetic. Either do you.
I know it is hard. With the depression,work,life,love.etc.etc.
But life is not easy. It's a struggle.
It will always be a struggle. The best thing to do is always think about tomorrow never yesterday.
Good Luck.
Please come back if you need help.
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