A
female
age
36-40,
*rincessjasmine
writes:I was a very promiscuous girl, from 18-24. I would sleep withguys (oral sex mostly) without knowing them that well, it was REALLY easy to get me in bed. I couldn't form lasting relationships b/c of this. I didn't want to be with a guy i slept with already (b/c the excitement was gone, the mystery of getting to know each other and pursuing each other was gone!) The guys i did talk to (very few) never ended up working out for me for other reasons. I made a promise for 2012 to not sleep with anyone at all. It's a way for me to pursue guys and remain a mystery, for my personal self-respect, to get to know guys in other ways before sleeping with them to really feel an emotional connection, and to see how strong i was. Well, it went well for a couple months. Then, I met someone I actually liked (which is a step up b/c ive slept with guys i dont even really like....now looking back i cant even believe i did that cus it sounds so gross!) So i liked this guy but after meeting for the 3rd time we kissed...ok, i guess thats ok, the 4th time he expected me to give him oral sex....i refused and was strong but not strong enough, he still got to my breasts, and i let him so i feel guilty. Then i met another guy i liked, i got drunk and went to his place, kissed him. He was respectful until the next morning when he realized, oh well shes sober now so now we can do stuff....we ended up fooling around but no oral or normal sex which is still a step up i tell myself. But i did touch areas of his and he touched areas of mine to satisfy each other sexually.I feel guilty again b/c its still the same cycle...i like a guy, i need to kiss him and do stuff, one thing leads to other things pretty quick and this slow and steady thing isnt working out, im not interested in him the same way b/c our intimacy died when we moved to quickly (if that makes any sense).....i told myself ok 1. dont get drunk around ppl u dont know that well 2. dont go to any guys house no matter how much u wana kiss him but its not working out for me...I've accomplished some but not all, what can i do to make my goal happen?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2012):
Okay the problem is that you drink too much.. and yes you are weak.. learn to say no and fend for yourself.. if you make a mistake it's no use clarifying for it later in a website.. its your life.. you can choose to clean it up or mess it up..
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (28 February 2012):
 Get yourself a steady lover then. And get your fix for sex with him while you date other people. Then when you meet someone you want to take things further with you cut the lover out.
I think there is a difference of sorts between FWB and a lover. A lover can be exclusive, and someone you care about as well, but that you aren't going to have a relationship with. It is someone you have an intimate and sexual relationship with though. A lover needs to be discrete and trustworthy, and of course good in bed.
Then stick to your lover only for sex, and you probably wouldn't be so tempted when meeting other men for dates. Keep it in your pants.
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A
female
reader, princessjasmine +, writes (28 February 2012):
princessjasmine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I totally agree with that as well! I have a flirty personality and I'm sexual. I know this about myself, it's hard when you don't have sex regularly as a grown woman. Sometimes you just need it. I can please myself but sometimes if the opportunity to arises, its hard saying no. My intentions are usually to kiss and cuddle. I end up doing more even when i dont really want to. Why did i do it this time? because its RIGHT THERE, and how can one resist when it's RIGHT THERE! I think it's only natural and normal. But i didn't want it that bad, he asked, and I said no once, and then he said come on and I said okay, it happened fast....it's this attitude of 'its not a big deal' and then afterward feeling like NO IT WAS a big deal. And I wanna do this with someone I love :( this is why i feel so sad, but it happens often and that's what upsets me. I still tell myself that it's better than what I've done in the past with some men so I should be proud of myself but at the same time, he was also very respectful of me and calmed me down a bit. He didn't understand why I wouldn't go all the way with him....guys think its silly when a girl says that. He made me drink an extra shot and took me to his place, he's prob not good for me....but i do like him and feel like i screwed it up b/c of my actions. What bugs me the most about it is he didn't take advantage when i was drunk, but did the next morning when i was sober. I said, oh well, i spent the night with him, he treated me so nicely, i liked him so much more for it, which is prob another rreason why i did it (touched around and stuff) but that's no excuse for moving so so fast when i keep telling myself this whole year that i need to change. I agree, that I should not be drinking around ppl i dont know well, I should be a lot stronger, I feel stronger and I feel more independant but its still hard when you are a normal sexual being who needs it too sometimes. That's the hardest part. I KNEW I wanted to kiss this man for a long time, i really really wanted to....and i did, it was perfect sleeping next to him but i didn't want to do other stuff....but i know that if im alone ill prob end up doing more b/c that's just the way i am....that'll never change. I don't think its cus im weak, but b/c ive put myself in that situation in the first place so it is very easy to do stuff....it's like i'm making it harder for myself on purpose when i can just have said no....the party was so much fun anyways and i missed out :(
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (28 February 2012):
 I think all these Aunts have said spot-on things. I liked this in particular:
"You should understand this as well.. if you flirt around .. you will attract guys who like to flirt.. if you sleep around.. you will attract guys who like to sleep around... if you become genuine and respect yourself... you will attract a genuine person..."
I would add that it seems you are very pliable to what the guy wants. If he wants to do sexual stuff with you, you will. You might want to explore why you can't say no because I think that's where the issue lies. What will happen if you say no? Are you afraid he won't like you?
Anyway I think you're on the right track and you've realized the problem. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): don't beat yourself up about this.. first and foremost practice safe sex.. that is the part that scares me..you have to totally forget about guys for a while.. don't concentrate on them... masturbate or watever... but don't look for guys.. everyone needs sex.. just don't focus on it.. and its gone..The thing I understand is that these guys were looking for sex .. so don't bother about these guys.. if your reputation has already been discussed with your past -lovers and their friends... then I'm afraid people will just try to hook up with you.. so do not talk with guys who seem to be trying to get you into bed.. and do not try to get someone into bed.... talk with them as friends.. do not give out any suggestion/signal that you are even looking for a romantic interest... this will make you seem like a genuine person.. and people will focus on the person you are .. and you will form real relationships... and you will stop attracting guys who actually are looking for sex themselves...You should understand this as well.. if you flirt around .. you will attract guys who like to flirt.. if you sleep around.. you will attract guys who like to sleep around... if you become genuine and respect yourself... you will attract a genuine person...Okay hope this helps..till then try to learn new things.. learn to drive.. to play an instrument.. to swim.. watever suits you..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2012): I think you are ARE making progress. You said you didn't sleep with either of the guys, only kissed or touched. I think that's a step in the right direction and you should recognize your hard work too. You are clearly feeling like you are still not getting where you want to and are taking things too fast. So pat yourself on the back for what you have accomplished and realize you have to try harder.It has only been two months, finding a guy and building a relationship with him is going to take longer than that so be patient. Personally I have not been with many people but when I met my current boyfriend (been together over 5 years) we slept together very quickly and I was a bit put off by it but it just felt right and here we are more than 5 years later and still going very strong.Firstly, dont put yourself in situations you know are bad for the habits you are trying to break, such as staying the night or drinking. Think of it like an alcoholic going to a bar... its just going to be too much temptation no matter how hard they try!Second, be honest. If you are looking for a relationship then when a guy tries to advance, tell him that. If he is looking for the same he will understand and be patient, if he isn't and just wants sex you will know really quickly. Most good relationships are built on honesty and respect so start by promoting both those with your actions.Thirdly, feel out a situation and judge it by the person and how you two are doing together. Have you talked about what you want? Is he pressuring you? Or are you two just at the right time for that to happen? Lastly, do NOT beat yourself up for your mistakes. If it keeps happening over and over recognize you are not trying hard enough but never give up what you want. All you have to do if make up your mind that you CAN accomplish this and then you will. Takes effort but helps you grow as a person along the way.Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 February 2012):
 The problem is not having sex early, but the guys you picked. I don't see why a fresh couple can't be having sex and getting to know each other too. What didn't work before: you tried to have sex in order to exchange for a relationship, you only met guys who wanted sex only. Now, You postpone sex in exchange for a real relationship. The guy you were seeing felt awkward and didn't know what to do. I am not sure if alchohol made you want to kiss but you can't blame it on that. If you liked the guy you would have wanted to kiss anyway. You have to be true to your intentions. You want to kiss because it feels good, you want to feel connected. Don't create that mental turmoil of should I, should I not. When you feel "hot" around the guy then pull back, reject his advances, do that several times. The guy is going to think you are playing with him, leaving him blue balls.
Another option would be to meet guys at church. Then you know in advance that they would probably be respectful and ask for permission before doing anything physical. Nowadays it would be rare to find a man who believes in waiting for sex.
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A
female
reader, Dear Mandy  +, writes (27 February 2012):
 HI
I think you have very low self esteam, you think by letting these guys get what they want you will be in their good books, and maybe have a chance of a relationship. I think you cover this fact by saying its all about the mystery. stop kidding yourself. You DONT have to be this way, you WONT be left on the shelf if you keep your knickers on. and you ARE worth more than you think you are. These men are taking advantage of the fact you have been so easy, and you are putting yourself in danger by not getting to know who you are with. Next time may not be as easy to walk away from, what if you jump in bed or do something else sexual with a guy who ends up a rapist/murderer? never think " oh it wouldn't happen to me," because it CAN and it COULD if you keep this up. LOVE yourself, and look after yourself, make the man work hard , very hard, to get to know YOU, and respect you before going any further. Get to know HIM, and take your time, when ever you feel the slightest bit of arousal, just say right well its been a great eveing, but it's time for me to head home. a simple kiss on the cheek goodbye is enough for the first few or even more dates.
Mandy xx
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (27 February 2012):
Maybe you haven't realized this yet, but all these guys who you sleep with so quickly.. well they also sleep with you quickly, don't they? So all of them are promiscuous (or man whores if you prefer). Basically, half of the problem lies with you.. but only half. The other half is the guys who aren't respectful of themselves, and who aren't interested in relationships. If a guy was interested in a real relationship he WOULDN'T try to push for sexual things without having that relationship first. But have you EVER met a man who rejected you sexually? No? Well then there's proof, you've only run into man-whores. It's time to find a man with morals, and who thinks with his head and not his dick.
I think you've made progress, but the real difference comes down to picking other guys. You don't want a slut of a boyfriend. You want a man who is serious enough about you and relationships to treat sex as something special and something that should be reserved for a relationship. Because at this time of your life, this is what you want. You don't want casual sex, you want seriousness. So it is time to find a man who is equally serious.
Don't put yourself in spots of temptation. Don't sleep over at a guys place, it leads to sex and you know it. Kisses are fine, but you can't go further than that when not in a relationship with the guy. Just think to yourself, if he wants sex out of a relationship then he ISN'T what you are looking for, do get rid of him. A guy who "expects" oral sex on the 4th date is a douche. You don't need that.
You'll do fine, just raise the bar. These guys aren't what you are looking for.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): Some people are more sexual than others, some people are more sensitive to sex than other and extremely enjoy it. Sometimes it's called promiscuity, sometimes sex addiction. My opinion is that sometimes people are just like that. They have a hard time to stay monogamous even being married. You obviously realizing that you have an exes of intimate encounters with stangers and it embarrasses you. Plus it stops right there, it doesn't go anywhere else. That's a good thing that u know it makes you feel not quiet right. So the next step is to put your attitude to action.You right drinking is number one. You know what they say:there is no ugly women, it's just not enough vodka. So that needs to stop. Second you need to date a little more than 3 times to do oral and so on. And also what's with oral? And no intercourse. Is it mutual or it's just pleasuring the guy. If it's just you that' just plain wrong.It will sound banal but it's always good to get to know a guy, really get to know him. You know they ll tell you anything to get you in bed
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2012): Learn to meditate. It teaches you how to control you mind. Dont seek guys for a few months. Think about your action plan while you medidate. Your weak moments will come to the fore and decide on how to act on those moments. All the best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 February 2012):
 First of all, good for you for figuring out that sleeping with a guy doesn't work for you.
Stop beating yourself up for going back to old habits, however, STOP trying to get with every guy you meet. If you feel like you can't control the situation, STOP putting yourself IN that situation til you can master the simple NO. IT IS OK for a girl to kiss a guy and stop at that. It is OK to WANT to do more then kiss but not doing more. If you can't do that maybe you need to step back and take a little break from going out.
The whole point of dating someone long term is not for them to be "mysterious" - it's not a spy movie and you are not going to date James Bond. Set yourself a goal next time you meet a guy. Let's say at least 6-8 dates (for instance) and 3 months to get to know the guy BEFORE you have sex or offer sexual favors.
But don't set goals that you don't think you can achieve. Start small.
And I'm sorry but your "thinking" or mental attitude is really wrong if a person can't be "exiting" after you give them head or have sex with them. I mean HOW do you think people manage to stay together for 50+ years?
It's about quality in another person, not quantity.
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