A
female
age
36-40,
*m88
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for coming up on 5 months. We love each other very much and have been discussing moving in together. However,last night we had the conversation of 'past' relationships/flings etc. Before I was with this guy, I was married and in an open marriage (it was not a good situation and not one I ever want to repeat) and so slept with people other than my husband during that time. I was completely honest with my boyfriend about everything, but he completely freaked. There's a big age gap between us and I think that might have something to do with it (he's 39, I'm coming up on 23) but he was saying that he didn't think I was that kind of person, he didn't see me sleeping around etc. I admitted to having a 3some twice, with the same people and he was horrified. Now he's saying he doesn't want me talking to or seeing any of the people I have slept with in the past and he needs some time to work out how he feels, and about us moving forward. I should point out that I have a son from my marriage, so not talking to his father just because we had sex is totally unrealistic.I've slept with 17 people in my lifetime. Admittedly that's not a low number, but it's by no means as bad as it could be, and I'm sure he's been no angel either (he's admitted to one night stands and flings) I'm not proud of my history, but I'm not ashamed of it either. I don't see anything wrong with sex between two consenting individuals. There's a difference between flings and sex in a relationship, and I'm very aware of that difference. I might have been in an open marriage, but I was never unfaithful. When I'm in love with someone, I want to be with them and only them. And I don't feel like I should apologise for things that I did before I even knew this guy existed. I'm not ashamed of my sexuality and don't think it's fair for him to judge me on it.Am I wrong???
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2011): The boyfriend seems to be showing some insecurity with his reaction to the news. But insecurity is not the start and finish of the problem here. Far from it. His deeper moral disagreements with his GF's actions are not rooted in insecurity and they deserve to be taken seriously.As for the "don't ask what you can't handle" outlook - That is only a satisfying solution as long as the "jealous" person does not have a moral objection to their partner's behavior. If you can't understand why this will not work for everyone then you don't fully understand retroactive jealousy.
A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain +, writes (19 July 2011):
First you have my sympathy, only real experience with this can provide useful help and I think some of the comments posted sound a bit too judgemental. This is a very complicated situation and your boyfriends reactions are not unusual. Age has nothing to do with it. There are several factors that could be the cause of his grief. On the positive side he must love you, I can't imagine anyone having such anguish over someone they don't really care about. The anguish can be caused by several things:1. As others have said, he created an image of you and your past which he built from how you are now. The reality has been a real shock. Its not all his fault, he may have had a personal value system to avoid people that did the things you did. Now he discovers he spent his life till now with misjudged values, everything will feel upside down. Of course, if he himself had a bit of a wild past then I agree with others that he is just a hypercrit! 2. You did more/different stuff with others than with him(or he did with anyone else). This is where a kind of jealousy builds up and is hard to get over.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (19 July 2011):
 Never ask for the truth if you cant handle it. Anyway, you were not wrong. You just told him the truth and he couldn't handle it and that's really his problem. Ideally, the past should be kept strictly off limits as long as it doesnt have any bearing on your present.
Look OP, you have a big age gap and that will be an insecurity for him. I feel that he's been insecure all through and maybe he brought this issue up very casually and played cool all along, till you let it all out.
You dont have to apologize for anything. If he cant deal with it, then its his problem. He should realize that he was no angel himself and he has no business pointing fingers at you. Either he accepts you or he moves on, and if he accepts you, there should be no cheap references to this or snide comments. It is your life and as long as both of you are together in a committed relationship and you havent given him any reason to complain or to not trust you, he should not bring this up again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2011): Oh dear. My boyfriend did the same thing. It took him months to get over the fact that i had a fling with a guy he knows (talk about bad luck) i refused to apologise because like you, i dont regret anything because i learnt from my past. Cut a long story short i did have on going problems for ages to do with this but he did move on.
Give him some time to process what his learnt and if he really lives you im sure he will come to realise that your past is your past and many people have one.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2011): His is not jealous. He is finding your past behavior and present feelings about it extremely unattractive. It's totally different. The fact of the matter is that he has lost his GF as he knows it. He has not lost you but rather his previous idea of you. You might not think he should feel this way, but you don't have the ability or the right to choose his feelings. They are his.You also don't owe him an apology for anything you did before you were with him. You don't owe it to him to agree with his moral views. If you feel regretful or guilty that is purely your choice. Your current BF has no right to demand that of you or judge you for past things.Your BF does not have an obligation to accept your past if it conflicts too deeply with his own feelings. In that case you two have simply reached a compatibility impasse and it's time to break up. Your past is not going to change and neither will his feelings about this part of you. Either he decides to live with his feelings or he does not. Staying with you will be a tall order for him because this kind of problem WILL NOT fade away and heal in time. His negative feelings about it are permanent for as long as he is with you.
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male
reader, shawncaff  +, writes (19 July 2011):
 I am not sure what your bf is thinking exactly, but what would bother me most if I were in his situation would be not as much the facts of your sexual history, but your current attitude toward them.
If I had conservative values, as possibly your bf does, then it would bother me greatly that you do not really feel there is anything wrong with your past actions. This would mean that potentially you would engage in a threesome again, and that you would engage in sex with short-term partners with whom you were not in love. These values likely clash with his, and so his reaction, to my mind, is totally understandable.
We are all capable of change, and it is somewhat immature to hold a person's past against them IF that person has truly changed. But it sounds like you would still do most of the things you did again (with the sole exception, as you mention, of the open marriage). So perhaps that should be the starting point of any conversation with your bf: rather than counting your ex-lovers or becoming fixated on the details of your sexual adventures, you and he might talk about your beliefs and values as they relate to sex, intimacy and relationships.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2011): If you boyfriend freaks out it doesn’t mean that he is jealous in fact it is all about you and your values and the way you think and behave that has made him concern. He is struggling and trying to overcome this unpleasant surprise by limiting you seeing other guys. You are comfortable with your past and he knows you now. You absolutely have a right to choose your own way of living and he has his own standard and way of living too and if you can’t match with each other the relationship won’t work.
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A
male
reader, alex74 +, writes (19 July 2011):
 I suggest you give him some time to digest this information. Your number of sexual partners aside, swinging & threesomes is not what one considers a typical past and would be surprising to most men. I think you should stress that this was not a good situation and not something you want to repeat. Guys really don't want to hear specific details or how much fun you've had with previous sexual encounters or partner(s). I absolutely agree with your honesty in your relationship. Best to find out this is a major stumbling block now, than come forward with it later after a lot of time and emotional investment on both your parts.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2011): My wife too did a lot of stuff with a lot of people in circumstances I personally found immoral. But I was already head over heels when I found out. That was almost 20 years ago, and what a great life we have been sharing together all this time
Here is my advice. Just be patient and try to be understanding. If he did not truly love u he wouldn't really care. Stated another way, it hurts that much cause he loves u so much
His hurt is real - even if from a logical point of view it doesn't make much sense.
Just give him some time to work thru his emotions. Best wishes to u both
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 July 2011):
 We see this problem fairly often here on DC, what your boyfriend is struggling with is something called retroactive or retrograde jealousy. I started a thread on it here: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retrograde-jealousy.html
I don't know how invested you are in this relationship or if he's going to be willing to work on this for himself. It is HIS issue to come to terms with, you cannot change your past and taking abuse for it from him at this point seems to me to be unnecessary.
There's an aunt here named "Yos" who has written many answers on this topic and I think has a positive and practical way to overcome the crippling effects of RJ.
http://www.dearcupid.org/people/yos
I hope this thread helps; I personally wouldn't stick around to be abused for something I cannot change. He would have to want to address the issue himself, you can't fix it for him.
Good luck to you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 July 2011):
 I will start with something that will appear unrelated to your post. But it matters.
Him being 39, my guess is that he has slept with more than 17 people in his lifetime. That alone makes him look bad.
My hunch is that this man of 39 found himself a 23 year old because he expected the 23 year old to be "intact", say. He sort of expected her to only have had, say, a boyfriend, and then a nerdy altar boy who used to take her to mass and praise the Lord for his precious gift, that strength to resist temptation. He had an image in his mind and, well, the poster is not that image. His problem, I say. You were not waiting for him to come. The past can't be changed.
I think he feels you will go out of control and cheat. Well, he can either take you or lose you.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (19 July 2011):
 Your boyfriend's not that mature if he's going to judge you on past relationships. What happened, happened, and he can't change it. He shouldn't get mad because it was your decision to live your life how you did, not his. You didn't know he existed until 5 months ago, so there's no need for him to have expected for you to be the perfect angel until he came along. Don't let him make a big deal of this any longer. You have a right to talk to the people you were involved with. Talking is talking, not sex. Your boyfriend needs to get over himself and move forward. This is why it's a bad idea to ask about past sexual situations.
You're with him now, that's all that should matter to him. So either he deals with it or goes(just my opinion).
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (19 July 2011):
 you are not wrong, if you are not ashamed of your past then that's great and its great that you were honest with him rather than try to cover up -
but he is not wrong either - he knows what he finds and doesn't find acceptable. he has two choices now - he can either agree to accept your past or if he can't he should leave you. he cannot stay with you but all the while resent what you have done, coz that will make a miserable time for both of you
x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2011): It may not be fair but any man you are with who hears you have had threesomes and slept around in an open marriage will most likely never see you as a wife. Some things should be kept private and in the past and this is one of them, unless you want to never get married again. I'd say your current romance has reached it's potential and won't overcome this. If it continues, it will just be shacking up for a few years until he finds a more virtuous woman. It's not fair, it's a double standard and you can fight it but you'll end up alone or in a string of relationships where you get strung along.
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