A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok I am so confused. I have had a total of 3 long term relationships in my 20 years of dating. 2 of my Xs are still dear friends and each has moved on. I have been in my current relationship with a much younger man for about 6 months now. It has not been easy and yet it just feels right....if that makes any sense? Anyway my main concern is that he has an aversion to any type of lubrication. When we first started hooking up and blow jobs and hand jobs were fun quick fixes, he would literally yank the bottle of lube out of my hands and toss it. At first I thought it was charmingly eccentric..... He prefers a "neat and not slobbery" bj...he tends to not enjoy the moment if I get too wet. But will gladly go down on me as long as he wipes off excess moisture. Geez, this is so embarrassing. When I ask him, he says every guy is different and yes I know that!! But sex is starting to stress me out when I begin to worry about getting AROUSED!! I know he loves me and we do get along fabulously well in all other aspects of our relationship...he has assured me that he has always been this way, with other lovers and even when he masturbates. Well he hardly masturbates because we are both so sexually charged when we are together not to mention chafed that he doesn't feel the need to. Will this "dry sex" have long term health effects?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2011): “Will this "dry sex" have long term health effects?”
It could have long term effects such as chronic inflammation and damage to your vagina. I would insist on you being wet enough naturally or with some type of lubrication added whether synthetic or natural. Doesn't sound like much fun if it's stressing you out.
A
female
reader, LustyLisa +, writes (19 January 2011):
He very well may have been like this all of his life and the fact that he's never been able to "stay" with any of his past lovers shouts volumes to me! The man is selfish, inconsiderate and completely ignorant about how the female body works!!! Is he from one of those foriegn countries where a woman's sexuality is so scarry that they circumsize the baby girls clitoris'?!
If I were you I'd seriously question the "rightness" of this relationship. If you can't let go and enjoy your body and sexuality as he can't seem to handle the "effects" of an aroused woman and wouldn't allow some commercial lubricant on occasion if it were needed for your comfort, enjoyment and satisfaction. Unless you particularly like "pain in the ass sex", I'd kick that one to the curb!!
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (19 January 2011):
Hi there. If you are too dry and it's uncomfortable, tell him! Don't just tolerate it, that's silly.
Have you reached menopause? If so, that would definitely cause a thinning of the genital tissues and also a level of dryness.
Do you often have a problem with dryness?
If you do have a problem with dryness, and you haven't reached menopause, it might be a good idea to see your family doctor. You might need to use a prescriptive estrogen cream, which could help. You will first have to speak to your doctor about this, to see if you are suitable candidate. You could be nearing menopause and showing some of the symptoms. After menopause - which is often from about 45-50 years old, then the estrogen cream (used about once a week), can help a lot.
Otherwise if you are not in menopause, perhaps it's just a case of you not having enough foreplay. Get your partner to spend a bit more time on that, then there will be sufficient moisture for comfortable penetration. A little bit of water on his fingers could help to speed up the moisture arrival.
If there's any excess moisture (what he considers to be sloppy excess), he could just lightly dab it with a clean tissue.
I don't think that healthwise, dryness is a particular risk, but more that it's very uncomfortable not only for you, but for your partner as well. It would feel chafing to him inside, if there isn't enough moisture inside your vagina. Much less enjoyable as well - to you both.
With sufficient foreplay, at least until the natural lubrication begins, there should not be any real need for a lubricant.
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A
male
reader, foolishsage +, writes (19 January 2011):
 Does it bother you that he wipes off "excess moisture" when he goes down on you? If it doesn't kill the mood for you, then it's really nothing more than him having a towel handy for that specific purpose.
And the "neat and not slobbery bj" - I guess I really don't understand unless you may be prone to having hyper-active salivary glands, but I've never experienced anything like that, so I simply don't know how to relate. Potentially, you may consider gentle licking and teasing in that area until he's at the brink and then just start in on the more traditional type of bj.
As far as actual intercourse, I can't imagine anyone not wanting it to be "smooth sailing" so to speak as I think that would be somewhat unpleasant for everyone involved - though you in particular. Good quality silicon based lubes can help that matter though because it only takes a few drops to be very well lubricated and there is no big sticky or sloppy mess that he may have an aversion from.
The bright side to all this is that you are both very sexually charged when you're together, so if you two can communicate and are willing to potentially make an attempt at some specific products, you should both be able to be satisfied and have a happy sex life.
I don't want to get flagged for plugging any specific products, but if you want specific info feel free to send me a private message.
Best of luck!
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A
male
reader, RayBones +, writes (19 January 2011):
 At some point don't you think that if it's uncomfortable or stressful for you that you won't get to a point where you won't want to have sex anymore?
I don't know how to deal with a preference for dryness overall. I myself hate getting sticky on my fingers and stuff, and after the fact I'm not a fan of being wet, but while it's happening and I'm in the moment none of that matters. Maybe just start out dry and get to wet. At the very least, you should compromise somewhere. Communicate your physical needs and find that happy middle.
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A
male
reader, ilikequestions  +, writes (19 January 2011):
You need to tell him that he may be doing good things, that doesn't mean he should ignore your concerns. Lubrication is very important and sometimes nature doesn't cover it fully. Remind him that the chaffing takes time to heal, and makes down time uncomfortable. Time to go shopping and make some sacrifices. Find something that works for both of you. Sexual relations is a two way street. You are on a team. Tell him.
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A
female
reader, cutiepiesensei +, writes (19 January 2011):
In the future it could irritate the walls of your vagina as well as you not having lubrication to help the skin "stretch" might cause smalls tears/cuts. Try to get him to like it by first not even using lube for sex or handjobs/blowjobs but instead using it to give him a nice long massage. As things start to get heated, he shouldn't care about the lube, he wont be thinking about it, but it will be everywhere and you can be lubricated! Lol it's a bit weird though. My guy loooooooves it when i'm nearly dripping lol
Happy sexing!
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