A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am extremely jealous of my boyfriend's ex. We have been going out for a year now and have lived together for 6 months. It all started before we were living together she came to his house at 4 in the morning and made a huge scene cops were called and everything. Since that day I keep finding out he has lied about her. He originally told me it had not been serious between them. And then I find out they were together for three year's and lived together. And just recently He admitted that he cheated on me with her. I am scared that he started dating me just to get over her. I look at her pictures on fb daily. And ask everyone I know if she is prettier than me. He told me before we were together that sex with her was really good. I keep obsessing about that. How do I stop obsessing about her? Im scared it will ruin are relationship..
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female
reader, Abella  +, writes (5 March 2011):
 several parts to this problem
1. Why did his ex feel a sense of entitlement to him? What did he say to her, when he cheated on you? Or was it just poor judgement in the first place that he got involved with his volatile ex? And briefly saw her, after he met you.
He must be thanking his lucky stars that he found a much nicer girl, in you.
2. The most important person who needs to accept your unique qualities, and what is beautiful about you, is you. Thus you need to feel more secure about who you are and value you, as you are. Work on your self esteem, and value you and all that makes you unique and lovely. There are many very beautiful women, on the outside, in this world, who refuse to believe they are beautiful.
In the end guys suffering a girl ('do you think i'm really beautiful?') give up on them, sick of recognising and telling her what it is about her that he loves - and not being believed by her.
But any woman who needs the Police to bring her anti-social behavior under control at 4am does not qualify as
beautiful, in my view. Nor is his silly ex someone i would want to associate with, in any capacity.
3. Was he too guilty or too scared to tell you the truth about his relationship AND his cheating with his ex? What was going on in his mind? He needs to be very truthful with you.
If he has become more committed to you, since then, well that is one thing.
But if he is not as committed to you, as you thought, then you might like to reconsider your relationship with him.
Ask him what do you mean to him?
What is his timeline for his long term plans with you?
If he can't give you well reasoned answers i would wonder about his commitment to you.
But if he seems truly genuine, then at least listen to him, rather than dismiss him prematurely.
Though it would seem that you are having some doubts about him already.
Best Wishes and I Hope it all turns out ok for you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): This man clearly has not gotten over his ex and as a result, you are caught in the middle. He still has feelings for her and it has absolutely ruined your relationship and has made you feel guilty here in some way. This man is immature and very very childish... he needs to know better and know when its good for him to be in a relationship and start fresh with you. He has cheated too and overall has mistreated you. Id give him a firm firm boot. Im very sorry to hear this. My best your way.
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (5 March 2011):
 Hi,Sorry that you have to feel this way.. Nobody deserve to feel imsecure, worry about your boyfriend. Its really unfair, specially when you haven't done anything to deserve this... Sounds like she's still not over your boyfriend, maybe not love but sounds like the ex's still attached to your boyfriend..Its hurtful to hear from your boyfriend that he cheated on you, sex was good, etc, but the fact that he told you, he's been honest with you is a good sign.. That means he loves you and respect you.. The fact that he admitted to you proves that he's serious about you..How you are feeling insecure, thinking of his ex everyday is normal, I know u don't want to feel this way, but u can't help it, its normal human reaction. For now, you should have a serious talk to your boyfriend, make sure he'll not cheat again, make sure he has no more feelings for his ex and make sure is completely over... Also, if this ex bothers you so much, you have to ask your boyfriend to end contact with his ex...no to ever talk, see ex ever again.. Explain to him that you understand that both of them have long history, but that you don't feel comfortable and that you will prefer if they end..If he says no? Then you have to ask him to be 100% honest, open about their friendship..Good luck and let us know how ur doing..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI forgot to mention that he cheated on me in the very beginning of our relationship and i'm not proud to say but I have cheated on him more than once. So I can't really leave him for cheating if i've done it too. But I feel it's worse cheating with an ex because it's like he still has feelings for her. And the fact that he lies and plays down their relationship by saying he never loved her. You don't date someone for three years if you don't love them. And besides, i've read his old emails to her he definitely was in love. I just wish I could be secure enough to not obsess over if she is prettier than me if he loved her more than me if he liked having sex with her more an all that. She is a gorgeous girl, blonde and blue eyes, but I am not ugly either so.. And I guess even if she is prettier than me that doesn't mean he loves me any less. Anyways thanks for your answers. It just feels good to get it out ;)
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A
female
reader, Mjfbla +, writes (5 March 2011):
 He cheated on you and you are still with him...why. you have every right to obsess. get out of this relationship its not healthy for you and you deserve better. He will most likely cheat again.
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A
male
reader, foolishsage +, writes (5 March 2011):
 Ouch, I'm sorry to hear of your overall situation. Please note the word "overall".Considering that he lied about the relationship with his ex being serious and he also cheated on you with her and that he has had ongoing issues with her AND that you even feel like he may have started to date you to get over her, you haven't mentioned anything about the guy or the situation that indicates that he's worth keeping.Try to take a step back and look at all that and ask yourself what exactly is it that makes you even want to stay with him.I don't know if it's the circumstances of the relationship that have you doubting yourself so much that you stare at pictures of her and wonder if she's prettier than you, but you need to stop worrying about her and start taking better care of yourself and your own well being. That's a very definite sign that you're feeling insecure right now - and no wonder when in a relationship with such circumstances surrounding it.The healthiest thing that you can do is to leave the situation and the relationship and start doing things that you enjoy doing for yourself and building yourself back up again. This relationship is only tearing you down and it will continue to if you don't get out.Probably not what you want to hear, but my honest input.Once you're back to feeling confident and secure in yourself, then you might want to test the dating waters again. But right now, you just need to take some time to take care of just you.I wish you the best
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