A
female
age
41-50,
*ixieGwen
writes:heyso i dunno if im just overreactingbut my bf hardly ever wants to have sex. Hes always too tired, not feeling well or in a bad mood cos of work. Now hes on Admin leave and I figure..well work shouldnt be the issue..but it seems we have less sex now than we used to.We've been together 5 mo.I dont think its someone else (he calls me daily sometimes 2-3x a day) we see each other about 4x a wk and all he wants to do is cuddle, talk, sleep..hang out.He doesnt act any diff towards me tho..he seems more in love with me now.He constantly talks about us getting married, kids or living together.That is all great but I need sex.He always flirts/teases me but thats bout it.He always tells me how gorgeous, great and awesome i am but i dont feel like it.i feel so unwanted because we hardly have sex..He told me the other night that the main reason is cause he doesnt feel attractive (he recently gained weight and is starting to bald..so he complains bout it alot).I feel fat too but my sex drive is through the roof lol.We have sex maybe 1x a wk.He told me today that it isnt me..that he loves having sex with me and that im great in bed (hes goin on a trip and promises to have sex w/ me when he gets back) That unfortunately we couldnt today cause he has alot of packing/stuff to do before his flight in a few hrs and considering we just had lunch - he didnt want to have sex and end up tired..seein he has alot to do before his trip.i find that theres always time for sex but to him... - guess not. he knows im attracted to him but im guessin thats not good enough.i get antsy..and maybe im addicted to sex.. i dunno.id want it daily - if i can get it.i dont know how to make him feel more attractive or want to have sex. ive made moves..and it doesnt seem to go anywhere. maybe i should buy a toy for myself?? i dunno if that would curb my sex cravings..i dont believe in cheating..so id never do that and i def want to stay with him. i dont think this is a good reason to break up..cause we have a blast together and i love him...what do i do..to make him feel better bout himself?
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male
reader, foolishsage +, writes (20 January 2011):
 That's so awesome! Sounds like you were already on at least what I believe is the right track.
He seems to be a keeper - actually has empathy and everything - keep on being the sparkplug to get that engine running.
Have a GREAT time when he gets back in town!!
A
female
reader, PixieGwen +, writes (20 January 2011):
PixieGwen is verified as being by the original poster of the question thankyou ;) I'm definitely going to try to encourage him without making him feel bad.
he recently said that we should do more active things together. I agreed and said that we should do it.. not just talk about it & I said i was super interested to start (I need to get in shape too..and he knows i want to get in shape)
I had been eating healthy lately & i had been telling him things ive been cooking etc.I'm hoping he'll get out of his rut soon & join me on the healthier route.
Before his flight yesterday he called and said hes sorry & he understands my concern (bout the fact we hardly have sex and how it makes me feel) He said that he would feel the exact same way if it were the other way around and promises to be more intimate. we'll see what happens.. i hope it gets better. thanks alot for your reply :)
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A
male
reader, foolishsage +, writes (19 January 2011):
Gwen, you're a sweet-heart. You can only re-assure him of how you feel about him and how you are attracted to him, but he's the only one that can change his condition.
If he is feeling insecure and unattractive, then he needs to work that out with himself. You can assist and be supportive by asking him what it is that would make him feel more attractive? Perhaps going for walks or him doing something to combat his recent weight gain would make him feel better about himself and would also be an opportunity for him to spend more time with you if you went along. (Endorphins being released after exercise also can heighten his receptiveness to sexual advances in addition to him feeling good that he's doing something to feel better about himself). If not walking, then any number of physical activities that he may enjoy that are also good exercise. Tennis anyone?
The catch is, you can't suggest any one thing specifically to him until he opens that door - otherwise, he'll likely feel like you see it as a flaw in him as well.
Ask him what would make him feel more attractive in his own mind and come up with things to encourage it from there. Maybe it's a food thing and he wants to eat differently and you could find some fantastic recipes online that are healthy, filling and tasty. Maybe it's the hair and he wants to get implants or get a hair growth formula or would feel better if his head was shaved completely? I don't know - but if you can get him to talk to you more about it and re-assure him that you just want him to find himself as sexy as you already find him to be, then you'll be able to start from that point.
Communication is the key and you two can work through this.
Best of luck to you both. ; )
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