A
male
age
41-50,
*oolishsage
writes:Back story: After a really dead marriage, I left the family domicile 2 yrs ago, where my ex and 2 younger children still reside. After a few months of living apart, my ex and I made a casual attempt at getting back together without the knowledge of the kids and of course it failed... But in any event, we realized that we're better served as being friends and we all get along very well in a family setting and as friends, but she and I just wouldn't work in a marriage. I respect her very much as a person and as an amazing mother and a friend, just not a companion for life for me. And now we frequently do "family" things all together like the zoo or going to a hockey game or movies - things like that and there don't appear to be any mixed signals going either way, so it all seems fine.CONFLICT: I don't want my 5 yr old daughter or 7 yr old son to ever feel like I'm trying to replace their mom. I enjoy the time spent "all together" as well. I also don't want my ex to feel as though I'm trying to replace her in that aspect either. With my most recent relationship, I suffered and the relationship suffered because I kept everything apart as nearly "separate lives" that knew of one another, but never mixed.DILEMMA: So, is there any way to participate in a healthy relationship with a girlfriend and if it looks to go far, for her to eventually meet my children and do things on occasion with me and my kids and for me to have a life that doesn't feel so fragmented and preferably without hurting anyone's feelings?Or is it more a case of making an omelet and breaking a few eggs?
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 January 2011):
 You are very fortunate in this situation. Thank you for the update and best of luck going forward!
A
male
reader, foolishsage +, writes (18 January 2011):
foolishsage is verified as being by the original poster of the question Oh - just to follow up with everyone that offered input and may be curious. I did the thing that was most obvious, but somehow missed. I called my ex-wife and we chatted and met up and discussed all aspects of it.
It's funny, neither one of us is over the other one completely, but we both know that it can't work with each other, so we just cheer for each other and support each other the best we can.
She even said that if the kids are confused and ask her (if/ when I ever decide to introduce someone new) that she had my back and would cover it from her side as well.
I think that I'm simply the luckiest man in the world when it comes to having a marriage that didn't work out. Yay me - my exes are all happier once they're out of a relationship w/ me... woohoo!
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A
male
reader, foolishsage +, writes (7 January 2011):
foolishsage is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnon - I have to say that you're pretty much on target with a lot of this.
I'll start by answering the direct questions before I go any further though. No, the ex does not have a new boyfriend yet that I am aware of. She had dated somebody about a year and a half ago, but that ended and I don't think she's invested the time or energy to date since then.
It could in a large part be that I haven't completely let go of the failed marriage. I still believe that the marriage definitely should have ended, but to a certain extent, I ended it for the wrong reasons at the time - so, I think that I'm still battling with that. While being a fantastic mom and a great person that I admire, she is also a very poor communicator, very in-affectionate toward anyone but the kids, has a conflicting parenting style from my own and is in my opinion "overly proper". In a relationship, I need more attention/ affection/ appreciation than what she is capable of giving and I need to be with a good communicator and someone that likes to let their hair down a bit. In our co-parenting friendship, these things don't matter any longer because the majority of the things that we did that hurt each other or that was lacking doesn't impact/ damage this type of friendship, but can destroy a marriage. It would be a lot easier if the marriage could work, but neither one of us would be happy together in that sense.
When the marriage first ended, it was too painful for her or I to spend time together. It wasn't until about 9 or 10 months ago that we'd started doing things (aside from major Holidays) all together with any type of frequency. Sometimes it seems like spouses w/o benefits. The ex was never a very good communicator - so, while she has known for a bit that I've been seeing someone, it's not like we've talked about it much.
If the ex had a special someone - honestly, it would hurt a little bit, but I believe only as much as it would hurt anyone to see somebody that they'd spent 9 yrs together now w/ someone else. My being happy for her would outweigh any sting probably ten-fold.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2011): I'm the first anon here again.
I see a bit more clearly now what you're concerned about. Since you and your ex and the kids still go out together as a family unit, you don't feel comfortable having a new gf meet your kids because that will confuse them and make them think the new gf is going to replace their mom.
this is a tough one. Your kids are too young to understand the complexities of adult relationships. it may already be confusing enough for them that their dad doesn't live in the house with them and mom, yet you all still go to the movies or to the zoo.
It could be that maybe you and your wife should stop spending time all together with the kids and only do your individual time with the kids. if your kids were older and could understand divorce, they might actually appreciate that you all can still go out together as a family. But since your kids are still young, and you're looking to move on with your life, maybe it would be better to make things more black and white for your kids.
As for hurting your ex's feelings. Well, you two are divorced, and she is an adult, so I don't see how your having a new gf meet the kids should hurt her. Does she have a new boyfriend yet?
As for the new gf - you feel that you held yourself back from developing a new relationship because you couldn't figure out how to integrate her into the rest of your life.
Could it be that you haven't quite let go of your marriage yet, even though you are technically divorced?
most people when they divorce, live separate social lives from their ex's and thus when they get a new serious gf/bf there's no uneasiness about integrating them with the kids. But it sounds like maybe you still have in your mind and heart the picture that family means you, your kids, and your ex wife. In your mind, your family unit has remained intact, so there is no room for "outsiders" in this picture. And thus when you have a new gf, you still think of her as someone who will always be an "outsider" to your family? If your ex wife has a new bf, do you feel jealous of him?
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (6 January 2011):
"Thanks dirtball - not sure how you picked your name, but it just doesn't seem to fit. :P"
You'll just have to take my word for it that it fits quite well. It really shines through on certain topics.
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A
female
reader, Windbreeze62 +, writes (6 January 2011):
 I believe when parents divorce they become single parents. Your children get to spend time with you on a one to one basis. The image of all together is fine if you are working on your relationship however if you are divorcing it is wise for all involve to move on. Moving is building a different relationship doing different things. As far as replacing the kids or the mom, your children will always be your children. Your ex-wife will be replaced. When the smoke settles you will see that most people don’t want to be in a relationship having to deal with the ex...That’s just not fair to the new person.
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male
reader, foolishsage +, writes (6 January 2011):
foolishsage is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks dirtball - not sure how you picked your name, but it just doesn't seem to fit. :P
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (6 January 2011):
I don't see any reason why you couldn't have a healthy relationship with your children and a new GF. It sounds like the divorce was for the best and overall the relationships seem to be doing well.
My best advice is to be honest with your kids. Let them know that nobody can replace their mom, and you're not trying to replace her. The older they get, the more they'll understand, but they are old enough now that as long as your GF doesn't try to BE their mom, there shouldn't be too many problems.
Kids feel things differently than adults. They are far less rational, so you need to make sure they know they can talk to you if they have concerns or questions about you dating. If you're open with them it will pay off in the long run.
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male
reader, foolishsage +, writes (6 January 2011):
foolishsage is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your thoughts and your input. Here is further elaboration for each of you in terms of the circumstances if you have any further input. Thank you
to anonymous - Yes, I spend time with the kids still just myself and them for sure. Myself and the ex even rotate out with our individual kids on occasion so that we both get one on one time with both of our kids. The kids are the most important people in my life. I simply don't wish them any further hurt or confusion and because of the friendship I have with my ex - I don't wish her any further hurt. As for the theoretical side of things, I've actually already had a serious girlfriend to where the relationship recently ended by my own doing because my feelings never grew as strong as hers and I feel that it may be because I chose not to integrate her with my children, who are such a big part of my life and the strain of living separate lives.
to cat lady: Thank you very much for the kind words. My ex and I are very good friends and I have considered very strongly the thought of making a very real attempt at mending that failed relationship. It is my conclusion however that the likelihood of success is very minimal for a number of different reasons and the largest deterrent is that any failed attempt would likely bring far greater suffering and confusion and hurt to my children. That is just simply a risk that I'm not willing to take.
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female
reader, cat lady +, writes (6 January 2011):
 I don't think a girlfriend at this point, at least from your children's perspective, is anything near as bad as a divorce and you leaving their home. Were the fights between you and your wife so terrible that leaving was the only alternative? I think you have bigger problems here than a worry over what MIGHT happen. But, if it's any consolation at all to you, pretty much anything you do in life is going to annoy SOMEBODY; that's just human beings and you needn't let that make your choices for you.Have you considered your wife's prospects for replacing you? There appear to be far more women willing to help raise another woman's children than men willing to help raise another man's - especially when that man is still living. Now, if you got run over by a truck tomorrow, that would much improve her chances of finding another husband....just kidding, but you get my point. There are many successful marriages about in which both spouses live 'separate lives' when it comes to their social life. How about getting back together with your wife, the mother of your children, and trying that for a while? An "open marriage," as they call it. When you and your wife brought those new lives into the world, you must have thought you'd both do your parts to provide for them emotionally as well as materially. Not only is this going to bother you in the future; it is bothering you now, too.I know the easy thing is to try to help you feel better about just doing whatever you like, as if you were single and childless but I cannot. I can only tell you the truth as I see it. You have expressed yourself very well here, which makes you a good communicator, (such a rare thing in a husband!) a reasonable person, and then, there is another thing you show plainly, of which you may not yourself be aware: a conscience! Listen to it. Trust your heart. I can see it is still full of love for those you have left behind.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): Sounds like you have a very healthy relationship with your ex wife. Most divorced ex-spouses can only hope to have such an amicable working relationship.I don't see why your kids would think you're trying to replace their mom. Or that your ex wife should think you're trying to replace her. just cos you all can go together on family outings...?? do you also have alone-time with your kids, without your ex wife? you should, because as their dad you need to develop your own solid relationship with them, not just be this guy who comes along on family outings with mom.As for what to do when you have a serious girlfriend. Again, what's the problem?Many people with kids re-marry and obviously at some point during the new courtship the new bf/gf meets the kids. usually it's advisable that only if and when a relationship gets serious then do you have your new significant other meet your kids. this is just so the kids don't get attached to someone who is going to then drop out of their lives if you break up. What exactly are you concerned about?are you concerned about how your ex wife will feel if you get a new serious gf and you go on family outings with your new gf and the kids but without her?Are you concerned that a new gf will not like it that you go on family outings with your ex wife and thus won't get serious with you?if you're courting someone, you do need to be upfront that you're on good terms with your ex wife and still spend time with your ex but only in the context of the kids.
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