A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a man for well over a year, we are both divorced with kids. He still hangs out with his ex to do "family time", they go to dinner, movies all day outings and even sometimes they stay at each others houses. The other day he told me that they are planning on taking their kids to Disney World for a weeks vacation. This all bothers me so much, and he knows it does, he tells me that he does these things with her for the kids. I feel they are divorced so they should act like it. I am divorced and i dont do any of these things with my ex and we are very amicable. What does this mean. Im not sure how to handle this. Please help
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male
reader, foolishsage +, writes (24 February 2011):
 I understand that this bothers you a great deal, but if he has spent this family time with his kids and his ex for the whole time that you've been together - it really isn't anything new, it's up to you as to whether the time that he spends with his ex and their kids is something that you can live with or not. If it isn't something that you can accept and it is really a deal-breaker for you, then you need to let him know that this is the conclusion that you've come to and that you feel that you must move on.Everybody's divorce is different. If he and his ex are able now to be good enough of friends that they enjoy spending that family time together with the kids then they are both truly fortunate and so are their kids. While I feel that it would be unfair for anyone to demand that their partner not spend this kind of family time with their kids and ex if it is something that was pre-existing, I do believe that it is perfectly fair for you to establish your own boundaries in regards to that if you feel that is something that would help.For instance, a daylong trip to the zoo may be perfectly acceptable to you - but you may be very distressed by a "family vacation". I'm not trying to put words into your mouth - but if you feel like you can accept their friendship is acceptable for you, but that certain aspects just give you trouble, then voice those particulars to him and maybe it is something where you can both find common ground.Believe me, I speak from my own personal experience. My ex and I actually became much better friends about a year or so after our divorce than we ever were during our marriage or any time before then. We're not trying to get back together or trying to fool around or anything like that. And we do some family things together - not always though. Most of my time with my kids is just me and my kids and same for her. But we can all go bowling together or take a trip to the zoo or to a movie or lunch or dinner or whatever and it's great to be able to do that. At one point my ex asked if I wanted to go on a 4 day vacation with them and while my girlfriend at the time said she was fine with it - I personally felt like that may have blurred the line for too many people - including the kids. But that was my personal choice.I can't say what's right or what's wrong for anybody outside of myself. What you're ok with is what you're ok with. Everybody is different and every two people's relationship is different from any other two people. I just hope that my first-hand experience in the matter can be of any help to you whatsoever in at least knowing that him spending time with the ex and the kids doesn't mean that he wants to be with her in a romantic relationship and that it can be something that is healthy for him, the ex and the kids.The best I can give you beyond that is to simply figure out exactly what you are and aren't ok with and establish those personal boundaries. If those are ones that work for him as well then that's great. If they don't exactly fit together then it may be time to re-think your relationship with him.I wish you the best in love and life.; )
A
female
reader, amenthyst3356 +, writes (24 February 2011):
Ask to go with them, if he is seriously seeing you as his next wife than he should want to include you with his family outings. What happens if you get married? Will he continue to have family trips and not have his new wife come along. He is doing this for the kids, but he can definitely add someone into the fold, if he is patient and is willing to tell his kids that he loves you.
These family times are giving them the false hope that their parents will get back together. To me it sounds like one of them do, either the exwife or him.
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