A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi Aunties I came her for some advice about guilt and love. I'm married to a good man for 22 years. we have 5 children and all but 2 of them are off to college. My husband treats us good. He's a good father and husband. He's always put us before himself and has never raised his voice or hand at any of us. My children love him to pieces and so do I, but I'm bisexual and have been this way all my life. I've had a few affairs with women and my husband allowed them and supported me with understanding. This is where the guilt comes in. I've fallen in love with a woman I've met only twice. Our friendship started over the web but has progressed to an emotional relationship over the past 15 months. I can't manage to go one day without falling into a deeper and deeper depression for wanting to have an exclusive future with her. We compliment one another well. I do not feel with my husband what I feel with this woman. She is a single mother of twins, who will be off to college next year. She has fallen in love with me as well yet I haven't informed her of my commitment to my husband. She's knows he's a large part of my life but she is under the impression it's solely for our children. She's clueless that we cohabitate and that I have sex with him once or twice per month and not because I want to but to keep the peace and live up to my marital vows. This is another sinker. How do I tell her the truth and when I do will my lie be the deal breaker? I don't want to lose her. I can't accept that she might not always be a part of my life. She is everything I've ever wanted in a love. I know what's going on with me is wrong and selfish yet I feel like I am living a lie just to uphold the welfare of my children and husband. I know it would break my husband's heart in the hardest way if I leave but at the same time I am feeling like there's no reason for me to live. I am losing weight and my children and husband worry that it's my health yet I know it's a deep dark miserable sinking in depression. It's getting harder and harder for me to carry since the woman I am in love with is getting a little edgy since she's ready to settle down. She's been hinting at dating a few women who show a lot of interest in her and whom are willing, capable, able and available. This is another sinker for depression, because now I am fighting with that green monster called jealousy. Is there any way I can go where my heart is and not feel guilty or sad for breaking up my family and hurting everyone's heart? I'm thinking of turning to drugs to escape and I've never taken an illegal drug in my life but I just can't go on like this much longer. Please help me get out of this deep dark place. I'm crying my life away and dragging others along in the process. Thank you for your care.
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male
reader, foolishsage  +, writes (19 January 2011):
 Whoah - just whoah. If nothing else, you've got to be honest. It's not fair to the parties involved if you tell them things that are other than reality.
I understand that you have some very deep feelings going on for this woman, though you've only met her on a couple of occasions, but please realize you don't live together, you've only seen her twice and she's been an outlet for you emotionally and that it's very, very possible that you've idealized her in your mind and what that relationship "could" be like - and that is something that could be very different from reality. Particularly when you believe that she's either making assumptions about your relationship w/ your husband that aren't true or that you've simply not told her the full truth directly.
You need to be who you are and not who you think any one individual may want you to be. Start by telling yourself the truth of the matter and being honest about it. I think you could potentially have been trying to avert that or suppress it and hence the feelings of depression. If you're upset about how you feel and about things that you've done or not done - it's probably because it feels like you've done something that is inconsistent with your own personal core nature. You need to realize whatever it is and go from there. Most likely though, I can probably say that it's that she doesn't know the truth of it and you want her to want you for who you are and not who she thinks you are. AND you want to tell your husband the truth, but don't want to hurt him and are confused by the whole thing.
Find out what your true discourse is - again, it's likely the lack of communication and honesty with both your lady friend and with your husband. And from there, you need to tell her the honest truth. You'll need to tell your husband the truth either way as well, but start with her because at least if she is unhappy with it, you may still be of the mind to want to save the marriage.
Remember - even if she is ok with the truth and still feels that way about you, you do have to realize that these feelings that you have are potentially more fantasy than reality, while on the other hand you've been married to this man for a very long time and you do still love him. And then weigh that out and what it's worth to you, personally.
At the very least, you'll at least be able to start feeling whole again just by acting in a way that is more in harmony with who you really are. We all can slip and make mistakes or errors in judgment - don't beat yourself up over it. Past is past - now you've got to take back control of the situation and figure it out in a way that is true to yourself. Hard road - been there. Good luck
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