A
male
age
30-35,
*hatOtherGuy
writes:I'm getting discouraged and feeling really scared for our relationship. Ever since we started having sex my girlfriend has resisted me. I can't do anything to her without seemingly forcing her. It annoys me and make me feel like she doesn't want me and I'm annoying her. There's so much stuff that I can't do that I want to that it's making me feel like I should just stop having sex with her altogether. I can't fondle her breast, she won't even take her shirt off 9/10 times and then the one time she does she covers herself up.I have to basically use the jaws of life to pry open her legs and when I try finger her she pushes my hand away. Eating her out is out of the question. She won't even let me kiss her inner thighs.I've been ok with it, but lately we've started having sex less and less and when I do try to get something started the same thing happens so I just say "Fuck it" and quit trying. We had sex yesterday and two days before that and both days it hurt her. Last night we had to stop because she was hurting. That usually doesn't happen.I know it's wrong for me to be frustrated, but I don't know what to do. I tried talking to her about it. She apologized and said, "sorry you feel that way." I have a feeling nothing is gonna change. Is there a possible way to resolve this? I'm not gonna break up with her over this, but I don't want to have to deal with it for the rest of my life. I hate cheaters, but I'm coming to understand why someone would resort to something so shameless (Not saying that I'm going to or anything, I just have a better understanding of why someone would). Reply to this Question
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 vaginal infection can cause wetness and pain on intercourse, maybe the problem. from what you say though in your update, it sounds like she is not interested in intimacy with you. she avoids kissing you apart from a cute peck on the cheek, she knows if she gives you a full on kiss on the mouth it will lead to more and she does not want that.
maybe her body is responding to the physical stimuli of you touching her, just like when a woman is kissing and touching a new man, she will get wet, but her emotions tell her to go no further and not have sex with a stranger.
we can all guess at what is causing her behaviour, BUT she is the only one who can really give you the answer isn't she hun? you will really need to talk to her if you have any hope of sorting this out. it is not just gonna right itself
xx
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Don't you think if she liked having sex with you, she'd be having sex with you? She doesn't like you touching her or looking at her, intercourse is painful and makes her nauseous. This isn't really typical of a girl who is looking forward to sex.
She has a PHYSICAL reaction to having sex, which is negative. She has a demonstrated PSYCHOLOGICAL reaction to having sex, which is also negative. This isn't about you and your body or your attractiveness. Whatever is going on with your girlfriend is inside her head and her body.
Have you tried talking with her about sex, when you are not in bed?
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A
male
reader, ThatOtherGuy +, writes (18 January 2011):
ThatOtherGuy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI thought the whole point of a girl being wet was so her body could handle a penis entering her vagina.
I think she just has really low self esteem. I doubt she was abused and I'm her like 3rd boyfriend. She's still friends with one of them and the other one wasn't very serious.
She isn't a very affectionate unless she wants attention, but I think that the kind of person she is. I'm usually the one who initiates all kisses, hugs, and sex. If I get in her face for a kiss, sometimes she'll look at me like "What do you want?". Until I say give me a kiss. Only time she kisses me is if she joking like I'm a baby. Like she'll see that I'm upset and say "Aww" and come kiss me on the cheek. I don't think she hugs me or holds my hand, I'm usually the one that does that. But like I said...I just believe that who she is.
I'm pretty sure she's attracted to me because she says "You're so cute" (which is weird considering I'm 6'4) all the time and tells me she likes looking at me. She loves seeing me in my underwear and tells me I should be an underwear model, lol. She recorded me brushing my teeth naked and saved the video. I don't think her sexual attraction to me is an issue.
And it does make me feel like she doesn't trust me (I guess she shouldn't, since I've hurt her) and that she doesn't think I can please her. It makes me feel like she doesn't like having sex with me.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 January 2011):
Rather than feel rejected, maybe you could look at this like a medical condition. She has a problem with sex, whether it originates in her brain or her body isn't really as important as that she find some help for it. Perhaps she was sexually abused as a child and this is causing her to repel any sexual advances? Perhaps she has a physical issue that causes pain for her and instead of dealing with it she actively avoids it?
Just being wet doesn't mean she's aroused enough for vaginal penetration. Feeling nauseous during certain positions suggests that she is experiencing a vaso-vagal response, perhaps from having her cervix hit repeatedly during intercourse.
I think you need to look at this as a two-sided coin. One is the psychological resistance to your sexual advances, the other side is the physical reaction to intercourse. I think you will have to address both of these in order to get to the sexual intimacy you are hoping for. Actually, SHE will have to deal with these. You can tell her how this is affecting you and your feelings for her and the relationship, suggest a course of action for her and then see if she is able to take the necessary steps.
There was some good advice on this thread: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-do-i-increase-my-libido-its-ruining.html Maybe it could help her to read that one.
Good luck to you as you try to figure out what is best for each of you.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (18 January 2011):
hi
the fact that she said 'i'm sorry you feel that way' is putting it back to you. it is not really an apology, it is saying this is how it is and its a shame that you can't handle it.
for some reason she sees anything sexual as dirty and she is ashamed of her body. had she been abused in the past (i don't suppose she would tell you if she had) does she display signs of any eating disorder at all? has she had any damaging relationships in the past?
CAUTION: forcing her legs open is NOT helping matters, i hope you realise that!
what is the rest of the relationship like? does she seem to actually want to be with you? is she happy to see you when you call? does she behave like she is interested in you outside of the bedroom? is she affectionate at all?
this situation i would imagine is doing nothing for your self confidence either. ask her to look into sex therapy for herself as if she doesn't get this problem resolved it will be with her in future relationships too, so she owes it to herself, even if she does not want to do this for your sake.
apart from this though, it could be that she just doesn't find you sexually/physically appealing. get her to talk to you about her feelings around this. if she refuses to open up and even discuss it, then there is nothing you can do i think
xx
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A
male
reader, ThatOtherGuy +, writes (18 January 2011):
ThatOtherGuy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, I've talked to her about toys, but she wants me to wait til we get our own place before I get her one for some reason.
I think she's turned on enough, she gets really wet. She says I'm too big, but I'm only like 7 or 8 inches. I know that's bigger than average, but I wouldn't consider it big.
For some reason doggy or spooning sex makes her nauseous so we barely do that.
I'll just talk to her about it and hope she understands where I'm coming from.
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A
female
reader, wornoutmommy +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Ok, she's insecure with herself, completely. I have had a lot of these same issues- and sex can be a problem because of them. First off, has she been sexually abused in the past? This could be a giant red-flag and reason for her behavior. Has she been emotionally abused by a previous boyfriend? This was my case: I became anorexic because 105# wasn't skinny enough for him, and touching me 'down there' was just a disgusting act (to him). Now I can't handle my breasts or vaginal area being touched hardly at all. Yes, these situations are both psychological traumas that need to be discussed with a professional, but sometimes that option isn't available. I suggest being gentle, with her emotions. Try to understand of coax out of her why she feels this way and try to reassure her that her insecurities don't hold true with you. This conversation needs to happen no where near having sex, not before, during and definitely not after. Another reason that sex can hurt is she may have a retroverted uterus. I finally (after 6 yrs) found out that this was my problem. Sex can be painful and cause massive cramping for me at times; this is because the uterus is located angled towards my back and not my stomach like most women. Positions that work the best for this situation are missionary and doggy- but not on the edge of the bed. If she has this condition, and that's why sex is painful, be careful. I found out that the cramping is caused my the penetration stretching the ligaments that hold the uterus in place, and these ligaments can break! That kinda freaked me out. Another reason it may be painful is that she is not turned on enough. Yes this can be very frustrating for you when you've tried everything and don't know what to do. When a woman is fully turned on, the vaginal canal will widen and shift in order to accommodate. If penetration happens before this shift occurs, penetration can be VERY uncomfortable. This can all be resolved by getting her to be comfortable with herself. Suggestions? I've become more comfortable with a few different 'toys'. Get a vibrator, or a 'finger tickler', and stimulate her clitoris. Do not assume that because the vibrator is penis shaped that it immediately goes inside! Try a feather wand for her thighs and breasts, this gentle stimulation (that doesn't happen with a man's hand) helps ease the tension of nerves. I'm not a fan of food, but my god are ice cubes or Popsicles amazing. Try kissing the back of her neck, down her spine to her waist. I find that when I'm uncomfortable I'll cover my breasts and clench my legs, and lying on my stomach while my man kisses me will make me feel more 'safe' and loved, more willing to 'give in'. Most guys don't have all this info, and most people don't realize that just breaking up isn't the answer. Let me know if you need any other suggestions! Good luck on your voyage, and definitely invest in some toys! I was completely against them, then got one as a gift... it's been a life saver!
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A
male
reader, ThatOtherGuy +, writes (18 January 2011):
ThatOtherGuy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's not that she doesn't enjoy the sex (when it doesn't hurt) she just involuntarily blocks all my advances. She's not very religious or anything like that.
I think a psychologist would be more in order than a gynecologist. It may hurt because I was going to hard ecen though we hadn't had sex in a while.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): Yes. This as to do with culture she is brought up with. What religion is she? Even orthodox christians tend to be this way. Please persuade her to see a doctor ... Make sure that you visit a gynec together. She will explain you what it is ... I am going through the same thing as well and I did the same thing.
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A
male
reader, Amph  +, writes (18 January 2011):
Clearly she should tell what is wrong with her. It should be up to her let know you what is stopping her. Maybe you've been too much rude or you don't kiss her enough or such. But you can do nothing at all but try to convince her to unbosom to someone. If she is so shy with you maybe a female doctor, better a gynaecologist, might resolve her physical problem, if she has any. Otherwise she might feel bad for other reason. Sometimes people have problems but they doesn't speak at all. Women often expect you find the problem by yourself and more time you need to discover it, more reluctant you'll find her later. In these cases the solution is fast to find, generally speaking: if you know her and what she wants, you make love; otherwise, you don't. And this sounds rightful to me too. Knowing well the person you love is the first step to make love with her, isn't it?
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A
male
reader, foolishsage +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Abella is right, there are people w/ a medical condition that can develop that makes sex or anything down there very painful. Even her reluctance to do anything to do with her breasts may cause her mental anguish because she knows where it's going and it hurts. A trip to the doctor may be needed if she is steadfast that it hurts and that's the reason.
Unfortunately, that may also not be the case - she could potentially be telling you that it hurts so that you are discouraged from wanting to have sex with her. And that could be for any number of different reasons - she may be going trough serious stresses in life and just not have sex drive, she may be experiencing self-esteem issues and somebody who doesn't feel good about their self often doesn't have a sex drive, she may also just not be attracted to you. There are so many "might be's" that communication needs to kick into high gear and be done tactfully. Keep in mind, she may be very embarrassed about whatever it is that is keeping her from wanting to have sex, either because she feels bad about herself for many potential reasons or because she doesn't want to hurt or lose you.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (17 January 2011):
 I am sorry you are facing this, but there may be a real medical issue. Or it may just be anxiety. Either way get her to the Doctor to eliminate the possibility that there is something medically wrong that is holding her back from enjoying sex.
If anxiety is the problem get that treated as well.
once she's checked out (and has been
Cleared of or treated for any such abnormalities) then sit her down and tell her how much her behavior is hurtful.
If that still fails to address the issue then breakup with her and find a gal with a libido to match yours and an absence of hang ups.
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