A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid, I've been noticing a trend I have of falling into "passionate platonic relationships" with certain men. It's not that I'm not attracted to men in general, but the ones who really trigger me emotionally end up being platonic friends... what is up with that? Does anyone else have this happen? Is it a problem or something to be celebrated? Please don't tell me I'm barking up the wrong tree or something like that, I have had "real" relationships - but the emotions involved are much milder. Anyhoo,thanks in advance.PP Reply to this Question
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 January 2011):
 "dirtball, I think we were both attracted to each other but he kept saying he wasn't "worthy" enough to have a full out relationship. So..."
Either you didn't do a good enough job of assuring him he was worthy, or that was a lame excuse from him for not wanting to advance the relationship. Whatever the case I think you have to get better at asserting what you want. If you want more than friendship, you're going to have to put yourself out there.
I personally think a good relationship is based on all the things you listed. They all help keep a relationship alive. You need to decide what traits you're looking for so you can decide if someone is right for you. To me, I look for someone who deserves my trust and loyalty. Someone who inspires me. That's me. How about you? What traits do you want in an ideal mate?
A
male
reader, foolishsage +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Personally - I think that passion is a must. And it must be kept alive. Sure, the wave will have troughs and crests, but for me, passion needs to be there.
Loyalty is good too - don't get me wrong. It's pretty much needed for most people, but I have to have passion for it to go anywhere.
Take joy though in the relationships that you have had and how passionate you have felt about those people and that you've even traveled the world with one - that's an amazing thing that most people will never even have the opportunity to have.
I'm sorry though that for whatever reason that he felt unworthy - otherwise, it would have probably been a storybook ending.
Don't give up on it though - just my opinion, but if you're one of the people that's able to have that deep level of appreciation for someone on a platonic level, it will be epic when you have the combination of that and romance as well.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell in particular I had a really intense emotional relationship with one guy in particular... I loved him, he loved me, we traveled the world together but there was no sex involved. It could have been a timing issue, he was also a couple years younger than me so maybe it was easy for us to love each other but not so easy to have an equitable romantic relationship. I find having feelings like that- seeing the light in someone and having it multiply manifold and taking on the world together to be a hallmark of a fantastic personal relationship- and yes, I am looking for that in a romantic partner but it doesn't seem to happen... so should I just stop trying to reconcile these things? dirtball, I think we were both attracted to each other but he kept saying he wasn't "worthy" enough to have a full out relationship. So...I guess it boils down to the question: is a great relationship built on passion or ... loyalty/steadfastness etc. I'm getting to an age where I do want to settle down... are these emotional "adventures" mere distractions along the way?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell in particular I had a really intense emotional relationship with one guy in particular... I loved him, he loved me, we traveled the world together but there was no sex involved. It could have been a timing issue, he was also a couple years younger than me so maybe it was easy for us to love each other but not so easy to have an equitable romantic relationship. I find having feelings like that- seeing the light in someone and having it multiply manifold and taking on the world together to be a hallmark of a fantastic personal relationship- and yes, I am looking for that in a romantic partner but it doesn't seem to happen... so should I just stop trying to reconcile these things? dirtball, I think we were both attracted to each other but he kept saying he wasn't "worthy" enough to have a full out relationship. So...I guess it boils down to the question: is a great relationship built on passion or ... loyalty/steadfastness etc. I'm getting to an age where I do want to settle down... are these emotional "adventures" mere distractions along the way?
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (14 January 2011):
 I have experienced similar, although I have now found someone whom I have strong friendship feelings for and romantic feelings.
I have also grown very close to few guys in the past, and if I'm honest, I wanted it to be something more, but I felt they just weren't interested in me in that way, and so things never developed. But a couple of these were very emotionally intimate relationships. I truely loved these 2 guys in particular and shared a lot emotionally with them.
Like you, on the flip side a lot of the guys I have dated I never had the same kind of emotional connection with.
I know it can be frustrating, when you really want to have that bond with someone you are attracted to and vice verca. That is the ideal. But either you aren't feeling that way about these special platonic friends or they arn't feeling that way about you. Or it could be a matter of bad timing. Perhaps you both have really wanted to take the friendship further but for one reason or another it never manifested?
It's only a problem if you see it that way or if you truely regret now making one of these platonics into a relationship. If you are happy to have close guy friends what is wrong with that? If however you keep falling into the pattern of being friends but secretly wanting more, this can be damaging and frustrating. If this is the case, make a pact with yourself to be honest with the next guy this happens with. If it doesn't work out, at least you will know you tried.
If it is just the case that you like these guys but are never really attracted to them, don't panic. I'm sure if you keep meeting new guys, one day you will meet a guy who ticks all your boxes. It is rare for some of us to find someone who we both connect with emotionally and are sexually attracted to and it's even rarer to find a person who feels the same way about us.
So until you do enjoy both types of relationships and friendships and keep looking for that someone who will be your lover and your bestfriend, because that is the best relationship there is.
Good luck
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A
male
reader, foolishsage +, writes (14 January 2011):
I'm assuming that these guys aren't already dating anyone and that aspect is a non-issue. How exactly are you meeting these men? Do you have an interest in them relatively early on, or is it that the friendship is being forged first and that one or both of you are not knowing how to move past that stage?I personally, think that "the chase" is a big part of attraction for both men and women. Is there any flirting going on? Is there perhaps even too much flirting going on? There really needs to be a little bit of flirt/ banter going on for any sparks to come from both sides. I'm not sure if that is of any help, but it's the best I can do without more details.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (14 January 2011):
Who decides these relationships are platonic? I'm a guy who lands in the "friend zone" a lot, but it's rarely by my choosing. Call it more a fault of my approach.
If you decide these are platonic friends, then perhaps you should try dating one. If it's them, then that's a more difficult situation.
A good friend is hard to find, but a hard friend is good to find. ;-)
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