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male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Short version: I had a girlfriend I was mad in love with. After 6 years of knowing each other, she suddenly was convinced our plans for the future were too different to keep us together. She broke my heart, started dating another guy, I went through depression, got better, met a new girl, and started a brand new relationship.Overall, things have been going really great. We are very open with one another and she's been very patient with me in getting over my ex girlfriend. We talk about everything and have great communication. I've really enjoyed getting to know her and growing closer to her. She is truly a beautiful person.But I still get this sense that I won't be able to fall in love with her. She recently told me that she knows my heart is still healing, but she wanted me to know that if I were ever ready to love again she would want to be there and be able to fall for me. It meant a lot to hear, but it scared me at the same time. I don't know if we're really that compatible.We get along absolutely great and we can be very open, but we just differ so much in a few ideologies and don't really share too many common interests that I just don't feel a big connection. She is amazing. No doubt about that. But for how incredible she is, I feel she deserves someone who will really appreciate the beautiful person she is and how much love she has to give.What can I do? I still care about her and mostly I'm just worried about hurting her. I told her before I wanted to take things slow because of things with my ex, but I guess it just got a little out of hand and we ended up growing together quicker than I had anticipated. I don't want to hurt her and I don't want her friends, whom I've also come to really like, to be hostile towards me when they don't know the full story.Advice?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): Don't worry 'ghosts of past relationships' don't ruin future ones. It's no worry that you are thinking things through it's all part of having a good relationship with someone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for the responses. I did really intend on just dating casually for a while, but like I said, things ended up getting far more attached than I thought they would. Its not like I don't care for my new girlfriend, but its just so soon for me.
I have explained this to her though. I really don't want to hurt her and I honestly enjoy being with her. I don't want the ghosts of past relationships to ruin my future relationships, but it seems that's what is going on regardless.
Thanks again for the advice. Hopefully I can get all this off my chest.
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reader, foolishsage +, writes (3 March 2011):
 With only 2 months between the breakup and starting to see the new girl, that's very unfortunate - you were probably ready for casual dating, but maybe not for a relationship just yet. Fortunately/unfortunately you two hit it off so well that things just started moving much faster than you were ready for.Well, it's good that you found someone that you've hit it off well with and having your own personal time isn't a bad thing. However what I'm worried about is just that it all happened so fast and was so soon after the breakup and that you currently feel like you may just never really love her.What worries me is that if you feel that way now, it's going to start to become ingrained for you to feel that way. And even when you are truly over your ex and are ready to fall in love again that you'll be too accustomed to feeling like you will never love this girl. If you break it off with her now, you can likely still be friends with her if that is what you both want and in my opinion it would be the healthiest thing for both of you.If she loves you and it's not reciprocated, it's going to get old on her part and even though you may have fun with her, you may also start to lose respect for someone that is staying with you even when you don't love them.Pretty sure these aren't things that you want to hear right now, but it's my honest opinion and I think you'd be doing well to just let her go and limit yourself to casual dating or just hanging out with your friends until you feel like you're definitely ready to move on. And that doesn't mean that you can't still be friends with your ex either. If you're strong enough to still be friends with her and still be able to move on, then I encourage you to do so. Best of luck in life and love to you.; )
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): That's interesting and good that you notice how things are going between you. The little things are important.
I tend to think if there is ratio of things that you can enjoy doing together that is say 5/10 then that is fine for a relationship to work.
How do you feel when you are not with her do you miss her?
I like doing different things to my partner for romance sake and I prefer eye contact and visual conversation. Where as he is quite content without that (drives me a bit nuts actually) He is happy to go for a walk to enjoy time together, whereas I find that totally boring I can't stand seeing the side of someones head as I walk and having to talk. But i will do it because I like to be active. It's taken a few straight forward conversations about likes and dislikes to understand what he enjoys and what I do. He generally just likes spending time with me which I find kind of hard to understand, although not shallow, I do need to have the stimulation of outings and events and things. But we do enjoy the same movies.
I wonder if you need the romance of particular activities that pertain to your own personality. E.g I did a test called the language of love (I think you can find it online) and it showed me that I need creative visual things around to remind me of how well things are actually going. Like photos and little gifts and things. If I don't have that it doesn't feel enjoyable for me. I learnt to accept this which made it easier for me to accept what my own needs were. Second to that I needed kinesthetic touch (hand holding etc).
Anyway - it was interesting to see how my partners needs were always being met - when I got him to do the test. He was primarily 'Acts of service' and kinesthetic.
I'm not sure that relationships are always totally natural all the time, do you? I think we do have to work on them and try and understand each other.
When I was around your age it was super important to me to try and find the right fit. Eventually you realise who that is and there is plenty of time for you to enjoy yourself now and go with the flow. On the other hand sometimes guys take a little longer to figure things out and lose their ideal loves and regret at 30 something. It just seems to be natures/ or cultures way of things.
So it's good you are taking it slowly and being thoughtful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Anonym12345: Thank you for your response! If I were to compare her to my ex (which I try not to do) my ex and I had a TON of similarities as far as common interests went. We both cared for the same movies/games/music/politics/etc. However, it was where our futures were headed that led us apart (at least in her eyes) She was adamant on going to grad school in a different location while I plan on working after graduation, and even though I was persistent in making it work, she had too many negative thoughts of being separated by so much.
The differences between my current girlfriend and I are much more simple differences. Her common interests are very different as well as the things we find entertaining or fun. Even though we have a lot of great discussions and enjoy each others presence, I feel its hard for me to really just relax with her; pop in a movie, laugh, just have a nice night. Its the little things really. She doesn't have any bad qualities, but they are just things that don't coincide with the things I enjoy doing. Like I said, outside of those things we always get along, but when we just want to hang out, I feel we'd be better off doing it separate because one of us is usually bored with what the other finds entertaining.
@foolishsage: Thank you, as well, for the response. To give a few more details, My ex and I had been broken up for 3 months and I've been seeing this new girl for over a month. I know that the relationship is very young. I also realize I may have started something earlier than I really should have. I do still think about my ex often. I've talked to her a few times (I always tell my girlfriend when she contacts me though; Like I said I want our relationship to be honest and open with one another) but I really try not to dwell on it too much.
Overall, I do want to date again, but I think I just got too close too fast to someone. I did want things to move slow, but we just really hit it off and I think she got really attached way to quickly for me. Like I said, she's absolutely wonderful and its really not her fault; I just feel we aren't "meant to be" and I'm not sure if that feeling will change, so I'd rather get that straight now before we get too involved...
Thanks again for the responses.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2011): It sounds like a bit of pickle for you to make a good decision with the pressure of different paces.
It's interesting that you are different to each other and that is why you and your last relationship did not work out, is there any hints or wisdom in that I wonder?
Does it matter that you are different?
Are you attracted to your current girlfriend?
It does take a while to get over the disappointment of the past and move forward. I would not put too much strain and emphasis on worrying about disappointing your girlfriend, just try to be easy going and take things slowly and figure things out for yourself. You are kind and right to not want to embark on something if you are not sure if it is going to work out, on the other hand not giving a relationship enough time is not a good idea either.
Perhaps try not to worry so much if you can and enjoy the moments that you do have with your current girlfriend.
It sounds like you could have some fun and you have been clear that you want to take things slowly, so just keep telling her that occasionally and try and get the pace right for you and enjoy yourself.
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reader, foolishsage +, writes (2 March 2011):
How long had you and your girlfriend of 6 years been broken up when you started seeing the new girl?
How long have you been seeing the new girl?
There are a lot of variables here and I'd like to try to help you with any insights that I can, but those are fairly critical factors. Especially if you weren't over your girlfriend of 6 years when you met the new girl. You may have no longer been in the depression stage, but if you weren't truly healed and back to feeling bulletproof when you met her, then you simply weren't ready for another relationship. They need to start on a clean slate from my experience or it ends up becoming a rebound type relationship even if it wasn't meant to.
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