A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So, my problem seems to be in how to talk to men. I don't know how to build intimacy. I always end up talking about politics or world issues, etc....How do women talk to men, to make that connection? Any ideas/help would be appreciated. Thanks! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (26 January 2011):
 Poster: If you follow the advice of Poster Anonymous, very likely you'll end up being intima with someone who will hate your entrails (or guts). I think that's pretty intimate.
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (26 January 2011):
Quiet and perhaps Pretty Poster Anonymous, may I marry you? Forever!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): One advice as someone once told me " The quieter, the prettier".
We women have to know how and when to say things. You'll never get a man's attention by arguing from the beginning. Learn how to listen and let it be. Once you have him in your palm, then make a "Snap" and say whatever you want to say, not sooner. Be clever and cautious without showing weakness.
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male
reader, foolishsage  +, writes (25 January 2011):
 To me, it depends on how long the two of you have seen one another - the way that the question was posed, it seems like it is first date or first meet, though I'm not sure if that's the case.IF that is the case, hold tight on politics and world issues until you've been out with someone a few times. I understand that you're passionate about it, but not everybody is - and if you're asking the question why that connection isn't happening immediately - well, my guess would be that they're intimidated by the depth of conversation. Or, they may even feel like you were too much in control of the conversation. They likely appreciate your intellect, but may have feared opening up to enable any kind of connection - and yes, that applies even to the very intelligent ones. I know it's cheesy and certainly not all people are the same, but my personal experience is that it's easier to become familiar with someone very early on by being easygoing and light-hearted. One option - not my favorite mind you is that you can talk about nonsense, such as anything pop-culture (not your opinion of pop-culture as a whole, but speaking of common pop-culture things that are on tv, in the movies, on the news). The only purpose of this is just to get the other person to feel comfortable - I prefer to ask people what they're into and what it is that they like about it and talk about "what they like". When the conversation turns to you - you can talk about funny stories about yourself that you think that they may be able to relate to or one incident or another that is fun, humorous and slightly embarrassing. When someone knows that you can laugh at yourself and that you can have an appreciation and interest in what they want to talk about and what they like, then they're going to feel more safe in opening themselves up to you. Once that connection has been opened, that's when I'd start getting involved in deeper subjects like politics and key world events. And please don't mis-understand me in saying that you should try to be somebody that you're not - I'm merely advising that you show other aspects of yourself first to allow people to become more receptive and likely less intimidated.And yes - body language is very important as well. It just takes a little practice. Best of luck - but I have a feeling you'll be fine!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks everyone.
I also asked one of my friends this question, and they said that I'm fun and all that, but I also seem closed off a lot of time, so maybe I need to work on my body language :P
Project being open and stuff. I tend to cross my arms or keep my hands in my pocket a lot. I'm going to have to be more aware of that and work on it too.
Thanks for the responses, everything so far has been great.
I think maybe also, I should try just being quiet more? I sometimes here my friends with their sig other, and their guys are always asking them about things, wanting to help, etc.
I don't get that kind of response, so maybe I need to be "quiet" a bit more and let them lead the conversation?
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (25 January 2011):
Passion is fine as long as people don't feel you'd cut their heads off in the event of disagreement ("Now that he's sleeping, I'll get even for his interesting, yet anti-intellectual comment about the rainforests. Here, now he's got only one...HAHA."). But you say that is not the case. So that is not the case.
Probably you've scared a guy or two.
I would do what Odds recommends. Do something. Go buy a chainsaw together and applaud him on testing it on that last specimen of that rare species of tree, OK?
Dorothy Dix, have you and I been reading the same book by Sherry Argov?
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male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (25 January 2011):
 being lighthearted and witty with a little bit of firty and suggestiveness does it for me every time.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (25 January 2011):
Hello again. As "Danielepew" said, it can depend on how you say what you say about politics etc.
If you just say it in a conversational way, that leaves the way open for your man to say something, well then that can open up more conversation.
Try not to make a closed statement that can't be elaborated on by other people. Always keep it light, but interesting.
You could have some very interesting conversations where you have fun and share ideas about how to solve issues of the world. You can both take turns in what you think could happen to improve things. This kind of talk can be very inspiring.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (25 January 2011):
Hi there. If you get along generally pretty well now, you probably have no awkwardness in thinking of things to say to each other. If that's the case, that's great.
You can talk about lots of things with each other, the weather, politics, anything at all really.
Being interested in him and his life, asking him questions about his work and his day and really listening when he speaks. Get to know him better. So that he knows he is being heard.
One subject that is absolutely taboo, is asking about past relationships (yours or his). Don't go there at all.
The art of truly listening is really important in any relationship. Sit facing each other and look into each other's eyes as you talk, and give him your undivided attention as he speaks. Let him finish before you speak. Then he will do the same to you.
Sharing yourself with him about your life and your feelings about things. Don't keep it to yourself, share it with him.
If there is something he does that you have issues with, then tell him - being kind, respectful and honest. Don't just put up with it and stew it over. If you don't tell him when he upsets you, then it becomes resentment.
Always make sure that you are treated properly by him, and that he respects you at all times.
In your free time, make time for the two of you to have some special time together. Picnics on a weekend, e.g. dinner, movies, see a show. Just enjoying each other's company.
Another nice pastime is walking through a national park bush walk and enjoying the sights and smells of the bush and mother nature. It's very therapeutic. It's another place you can walk and talk.
Another nice thing to do together on a weekend, is to walk along the shore of a beach at sunset. The air is lovely and fresh with a light sea breeze, and while you walk you can talk about everything and anything. This is a great time to talk about life, ambitions, aspirations, just about anything you can possibly think of. You will find that while walking along the beach shore, the conversation will just flow.
Good clear communication is another important part of any relationship. If he says something you don't quite understand, say to him - "What did you mean when you said .... I don't understand." Then he will clarify it for you. If you don't ask this question, what you will do is fill the gap with your own assumptions. This is what leads to misunderstandings and arguments.
If you ask questions like this it tells him you are really listening to him and then he will be encouraged to ask questions if he doesn't understand something you say.
Don't forget to have fun together, do different things, add variety and surprise to your life. Remove the predictability as much as you can. Life is too short.
Also doing nice things for each other, cooking his favourite meal, making him a nice dessert to have after his dinner at night. You could give him a nice shoulder massage sometimes after he comes home from work.
The main thing is to just be yourself, don't try to impress him and make him laugh all the time.
You can do all these things even in an new relationship. The main thing is to keep it interesting and fun.
Also, a confident, independent woman who has her own life, friends and interests is very attractive to a man. A woman who can make herself happy without reliance on a man to do that. A woman who is not always available because of this independence, makes her a challenge and very interesting to any man. Not too unavailable though. Just keep a balance.
Once a relationship is established, you still need to have your own interests and friends. It's important because you both need your own space. It keeps the relationship fresh. Limit how often you see each other - once a week at the most (on the weekend), and one call - by him - during the week. Don't call him, it can make a woman appear needy and desperate.
Best wishes and take care.
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (25 January 2011):
 Huh. And here I always keep my mouth shut about those things because they tend to scare women off...
The better thing is to *do* things, rather than talk about them. Go drinking, dancing, out for a hike, out for a walk. Cook dinner together, or go to a farmer's market. If you must talk (and yeah, no matter what, that's gonna happen), either talk about what you're currently doing, or start telling stories about your life. Relate them somehow to the last story the other person told. Short or long doesn't matter, so long as you tell it well and allow the other person a chance to comment here and there.
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A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1 +, writes (25 January 2011):
It is always good to go back to the basics from our teenage years when we would ask questions like" what do you look for in a gf/wife, where do you see yourself in 5 years etc. You can even offer childhood positive experiences you have had and ask him about his. Tell him funny stories about when you were a kid.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey there, Danielepew, thanks for you answer.
I get very passionate when I talk about world issues, politics, law...it's what I do as a living, but I am never negative. I usually end up talking about how fascinating it is to see both sides of the issues, and why ppl do or do not react in certain ways.
I am never negative, and never discount other ppl's opinions, and will often ask them questions about how they came to those conclusions b/c I find the more I know the more I understand.
I think some ppl think when you ask them why they came to that conclusion you're automatically judging them, but I have worked on the way I ask and that seems to be working.
I just find guys will tell me how smart and enthused I am and that they love talking with me. They'll tell me I am beautiful and kind... Then they will say, I think we would make great friends, but I don't feel a connection.
They'll call, ask me to do things...but on a friend level.
It's frustrating!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey there, Danielepew, thanks for you answer.
I get very passionate when I talk about world issues, politics, law...it's what I do as a living, but I am never negative. I usually end up talking about how fascinating it is to see both sides of the issues, and why ppl do or do not react in certain ways.
I am never negative, and never discount other ppl's opinions, and will often ask them questions about how they came to those conclusions b/c I find the more I know the more I understand.
I think some ppl think when you ask them why they came to that conclusion you're automatically judging them, but I have worked on the way I ask and that seems to be working.
I just find guys will tell me how smart and enthused I am and that they love talking with me. They'll tell me I am beautiful and kind... Then they will say, I think we would make great friends, but I don't feel a connection.
They'll call, ask me to do things...but on a friend level.
It's frustrating!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): What type of intimacy are you talking about? Please give more details!
If trying to know wbout them is related, try asking them about what music, books, movies they like. What they like to do for hobbies, sports, what they liek to eat, etc. there are many ways to know about a man that you just have to ask yourself "What do you want to know about HIM?" I'm sure they want to know about you too if they're really interested.
Good Luck!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (25 January 2011):
If the man finds you interesting, he will want to "connect" and "be intimate". Trust me.
Erm... how do you talk about world politics? As in "I wish all so-and-so bastards die, or as in "Gee, so much is at stake for the whole world in Pakistan"? If your opinions are very strong and leave no room for someone else having his own idea, then perhaps that is the problem... Just hypothesizing.
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