A
male
age
30-35,
*ostinmyheart
writes:This is going to be a bit long, so I apologise. I am 22, and have never been fantastic with girls, and met my first (and current) girlfriend about 9 months ago. I had previously just come out of a failed attempt at a relationship that had left me extrememly depressed and questioning my own self-worth. However, about 6 months later, I met my girlfriend online, and we seemed to instantly make a connection. I certainly felt as soon as we started talking that there was something special about her.After talking for a couple of months, we decided to meet, and though we were both very shy, we both liked each other and carried on meeting, and eventually I worked up the courage to kiss her and ask her if she wanted to be my girfriend, to which she said yes. The problems started when sex became involved. Though I was 21 at the time, I was still a virgin (a point I made clear to her before we started the relationship), and even though she was younger than me, she had had a lot of sexual experience in the past with various **** buddies - most of whom were significantly older than her.Not long after we first had sex, she admitted to me that she had cheated on me with her long standing **** buddy, who she was seeing up until the point that she started dating me. I was upset, but she was genuinly sorry, so I took her back. I acknowledged the fact that she had had a very difficult childhood that made her rather susceptible to being co-erced into having sex with people just cos she felt she needed to make them happy.Anyway, I forgave this, but I then found out it was still happening. After about the 3rd time, I was literally on the verge of leaving her when she begged me to stay, saying how she couldn't cope without me. So I took her back one last time, and in fairness she hasn't cheated since.However, since then, she still sees him regularly, and often does not text me for hours at a time while she is with him. I can understand she's ot going to be sitting at her phone there constantly ready for me, but when I then ask her what they were doing, she's extremely vague. For example, one time I hadnt heard from her for 3 hours, asked what she'd been up to, and she said they were 'just driving around'.Following the events before I met her, I did tell her before we started out that I was low on confidence and that I was trying to rebuild it, so it hurt so much that she could act like this while knowing that. This was made worse by the fact then when she was with me she text him quite a lot - even when just driving around. I then accidently found out that he was sending dirty texts to her, such as "Get on your knees and suck Daddy's ****", to which she was playing along! When I confronted her about it, she said it was just talk and didn't mean anything. But couldn't she see how insecure that would make me, given she'd cheated on me with him before. I then saw another one from him saying about 'Daddy having a new playmates for the next time we meet up' even though I asked her if she'd slept with him again and she said no.I do not mind a bit of flirting, but some things are just too much. I found out recently that she'd been flirting with a guy online who suggested cheating with her (to which she even said she'd be interested) and told someone she'd had sex with her **** buddy 'two weeks ago'. When I again confronted her about it, she said she was just playing along with the person she was flirting with because she wanted to feel 'sexually attractive', despite the fact that I find her sexually irresistable.Anyway, this came to a head this week when she said she'd be happier in an open relationship. I could not do that, as I just can not stomach the thought of her having sex with other guys when all I want is her. I would not feel special or wanted at all. While at first vague about the reasons, she admitted that it was because I wasn't as good at sex as her fuck buddies (who bear in mind usually have at least 7 years on me in sexual experience) and that she just 'liked sex'. But she said that she didn't want to leave me because she felt that I could be her soulmate and did not want to lose or hurt me - even though I pointed out an open relationship would hurt me. She suggests that she didn't even really go looking for a relationship anyway, it just happend, even though I said right at the beginning that if she wasn't happy or didn't want to be with me like that to just tell me.To make matters worse, most of the advice she is getting from people is from people who will probably feel they can get a quick **** out of her if she does leave me, so it's no surprise what they are advising. The worst of these is the guy she cheated with, who it feels as though as been subtley attempting to disrupt our relationship all the way through - yet he is basically her best friend and she cannot bear to stop contacting him. She has told me she does not love him, which I believe, as otherwise she would have just left me for him and it would not have been a tough decision for her. I believe she does have feelings for me otherwise she wouldn't be so torn.So I just don't know what to think. What should I do? She has asked for a few days of no contact to work things out in her head, which I've given her, but I'm going stir crazy on my own. I love her to absolute bits, no-one has ever made me smile like her, and we have so many common interests and get on so well together that I do not want to lose her. Do I stand my ground and say that if she wants me she cannot have anyone else, even though I know she'll be unsatisfied sexually? Do I leave her because that way she can get the sex she wants and because my trust in her is so shaken, yet end up upsetting us both? Or go for the open relationship, which will make her happy, even though she may NEVER decide I'm enough for her and I will feel miserable and used all the time?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): "However, since then, she still sees him regularly"She's cheating, and it has nothing to do with you being good in bed or not, your experience or not. It has to do with her being screwed up emotionally and not knowing how to maintain a good relationship.IF she knows anything about good sex, then she could teach you to do what she needs done. You might think, "what better teacher than someone with a lot of experience" but that isn't always true (frequently isn't true). A good teacher is someone that understands their own body and knows what good sex is.Her sexual satisfaction has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with her head.This does not mean that she is a "bad person", she has problems with intimacy, and you aren't looking for a fuck buddy. You just got swept up into her storm, and need to get out, she may or may not get out, she may end up dead, she may end up in a mental institution, she may end up a respectable housewife and church member. No matter what, she needs to end up in counseling, you need to get away, and she needs to carry on to whatever happens.BTW, people like this often have hundreds of sexual partners, multiple ruined marriages, drug and alcohol addictions, and can't function in a constructive intimate relationship.Often they have been sexually abused, abandoned, neglected, and have hidden problems that they can't talk about, with no self esteem. They don't understand how "normal" people think about sex and love. They, like all the rest of us when we are young, think that everyone else is thinking like they are...but their normal is very disturbed.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): "However, since then, she still sees him regularly"
She's cheating, and it has nothing to do with you being good in bed or not, your experience or not. It has to do with her being screwed up emotionally and not knowing how to maintain a good relationship.
IF she knows anything about good sex, then she could teach you to do what she needs done. You might think, "what better teacher than someone with a lot of experience" but that isn't always true (frequently isn't true). A good teacher is someone that understands their own body and knows what good sex is.
Her sexual satisfaction has nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with her head.
This does not mean that she is a "bad person", she has problems with intimacy, and you aren't looking for a fuck buddy. You just got swept up into her storm, and need to get out, she may or may not get out, she may end up dead, she may end up in a mental institution, she may end up a respectable housewife and church member. No matter what, she needs to end up in counseling, you need to get away, and she needs to carry on to whatever happens.
BTW, people like this often have hundreds of sexual partners, multiple ruined marriages, drug and alcohol addictions, and can't function in a constructive intimate relationship.
Often they have been sexually abused, abandoned, neglected, and have hidden problems that they can't talk about, with no self esteem. They don't understand how "normal" people think about sex and love. They, like all the rest of us when we are young, think that everyone else is thinking like they are...but their normal is very disturbed.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): Dump her immediately and get some self respect! Try get into a third party mind frame and re-read what you wrote! Man you deserve better but you will never get better if you dont respect yourself!
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A
male
reader, GRW  +, writes (19 January 2011):
You need to break up with her immediately. It is almost impossible to see her for what she is because of your feelings for her, but she is not a good person. I promise you that she is still cheating, and you don't deserve that. If she loved you, she would not do these things to you; it is as simple as that. Please do not let her justify her actions, and don't let yourself be convinced that she has a good reason to cheat. There is no good reason.
If you leave her, it will hurt very badly for quite a while, but you will eventually get over it. You will then allow yourself to find a girl that truly loves you and does everything in her power to make you happy. If you stay with your current girlfriend, you will only become more miserable.
I know I am just some random guy on the internet giving advice, but I really do hope you take it seriously. You seem like a good person, and I hate to see good people stepped on.
-G
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (19 January 2011):
 She was your first, and given that you're a wholly cow good guy you're going to want to hang on to that. I'd have the same feeling, in your shoes. But the fact of the matter is you aren't on the same ground as her. She has a different set of priorities. And they're not yours.
Move on, my friend. This isn't the relationship for you.
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A
male
reader, foolishsage +, writes (19 January 2011):
 Leave - leave now - do not look back. She's lied, she's cheated and she continues to spend time with the person that she cheated on you with. That's not ok.
My friend, I know that you feel lost right now - I get it. Especially since you got a late start on the dating scene - I did too. But what you need to start working on is taking care of yourself and paying attention to building your own self worth.
I'm sorry to say, but the primary reason that you feel so much for her is that this is the first girl that you've found attractive that has said that she wants you back. How could anyone not be attracted by that? It's perfectly human - yet, it's also not healthy for you.
You need to drop her and it is purely for your own benefit - though hopefully it will also let her know that you respect yourself and that you won't tolerate being treated the way that she's treated you. She's trying to string you along and you can not allow that to happen for one minute longer.
You sound like a genuinely nice guy - please realize that you are and that you deserve better. Start working on building up your self esteem, but one thing that can help launch that is to drop her like a hot potato and have nothing to do with her from this point forward - don't take her back if she tries, it would only be damaging to you.
Be good to yourself, my friend - learn to love and value who you are and accept no less from anyone else.
Best of luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): This time last year, I would have been strong opposition against what she's asking of you...BUT...now, I say agree to what she wants. Treat her as a piece of meat...get all the ass you can get from her...AND...in the meantime, focus on landing a lady that carries herself with respect...AND then dump this loose hoochie momma.
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