A
female
age
30-35,
*nnairB
writes:I know that this sight is meant for relationships between lovers but I'm having trouble with my dad. We have never gotten along, and tho I try and try to do things to relate to him (even if I hate them ... like sports) we still don't get along. All I've ever wanted was to make him proud or tobe close to him and get along with him but he doesn't even care. Hes never cared. Hes only still around because he and my mother made a pact that sence they have kids that they would stay together until were gone so they can raise us "properly"... And I know my dad really resents it because if we ever get into an argument he always brings it up... Is there anyway that I can find a way to relate to him? To have him actually WANT to be my father? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, foolishsage +, writes (19 January 2011):
 I'm glad to hear that things are starting to go in a positive direction. Keep on track and be patient and it really sounds like you and your dad will be able to have a very healthy and loving relationship.
A
female
reader, annairB +, writes (18 January 2011):
annairB is verified as being by the original poster of the question
Thank you everyone I really do appreciate your answers, and I look forward to see how they work out
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Good to hear AnnAirB, I'm glad he got involved so easily. It is a great first step. Just remember to respect his experience and advice. You don't always have to follow it but you need to make sure he knows you appreciate his point of view.
FA
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A
female
reader, annairB +, writes (17 January 2011):
annairB is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI tried this out last night and idk it kinda worked. I asked him to help me change the tires on my car (sence I needed a tire change anyway) and he seemed kinda happy I asked and we spent the whole time together just talking So thanks :)
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A
male
reader, foolishsage +, writes (17 January 2011):
Adults can be the most childish of people. I am very sorry that your father chooses to remind you so of the pact that he and your mother made in terms of staying together to raise you "proper". That he resents this pact is completely understandable - people that are bound to something that brings them suffering will resent their condition. But here's the thing - you aren't the cause of it. Their failed logic is the cause of his resentments and he's unfortunately directing those resentments at you.Start by trying to just talk to him - letting him know how you feel and what you need from him as a father and try to do it without any blame for him or your mother. I didn't detect any blame in your post, so don't think that I'm saying that there is any - just saying to choose your words carefully. Appeal to him directly - tell him that you want him to be proud of you and you want to spend time with him and do things together. Remind him of some of the positive things that you've learned from him or that he's helped you with in the past. A father's love runs deep in most men, and while he acts as if he doesn't care, it's likely because of his own discourse and unhappiness with how other aspects of his life are going. It may be that once you make a direct and open and heart-felt appeal to him as your father and you remind him of what you have learned from him and of what he means to you, that you could become the one shining bright spot in his life and that brings him joy regardless of the other things going on around him.As a divorced father of a son and daughter, you have my deepest sympathies. Please remember, your parents made a pact to stay to help raise you in what they believe to be the best possible way - that means that they both do care very much about you. The problem is that the conflict and tension between your parents is causing him to suffer and while he loves you and cares about you, he may just have nothing left inside of himself to be able to be the father that you need right now. I wish you so much of the best and I truly hope that your father comes around.
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A
female
reader, wornoutmommy +, writes (17 January 2011):
 The relationship I had with my mother was very much like this. No matter what I did for her, it was never up to her standards or right. She would always threaten leaving my father as well- with me being her confidant. It's not easy being in that situation. I ended up getting pregnant and marrying the father (when our daughter was 3) because my parents liked him so much. Before I got married I had told my mother about not wanting to get married and she said I wasn't allowed back into her home because HER family was finally happy again. This hurt, a lot. I had always felt like her personal maid and babysitter (I had much younger siblings and neither parent was ever home). I married the guy and after he sexually abused me I left. They were mad that I left him, but I couldn't tell them what happened because I felt so ashamed. I didn't talk to them for almost 4 years- until I got into a situation where I worried about my daughter's safety and they moved me back home within days. It is hard now, first being a teenager you have many different hormonal changes and brain changes happening that being confused and offended happens very easily (I'm not assuming or pointing fingers, I was there once too!) Also, you're not a little girl anymore and have opinions, your father is probably very uncomfortable with that situation and it adds more stress to a family dynamic he already feels squashed under. However, respecting your parents always comes first. You may know that what is happening is wrong or that there is a better way to solve the issues at hand, but keep them to yourself unless asked. I always found it was easier to bite my tongue than hold back tears. Life gets better, and now my mom and I talk about everything. She has done a lot of growing up and has admitted her faults from when I was younger; your dad may not do that though- so don't expect it. Overall, you are his daughter and he is still there (he could have very easily left if he really didn't care) so give him some credit for that. Say thank you occasionally, or just give him a hug and walk away. It'll take time, maybe years, but it'll get better. Hope this helps! :)
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (17 January 2011):
AnnAirB,
Your relationship with your father is as important as any relationship in your life and it will likely affect your romantic relationships. You are living under the shadow of an impending divorce and as that gets closer and closer he is retreating from close ties. That complicates everything.
While it is good for you to have some knowledge of his interests, you don't need to adopt them to be accepted by him. You need to focus more on the father daughter roles that he is ignoring. One of the first things is to respect his advice. Ask his opinions and then at least try it his way. Many people will stop giving advice if they feel it is ignored. Ask for his help or instruction in when you need guy things done, like buying tires or changing the oil in your car. Make sure you hang around and participate in the whole thing.
I have two daughters that couldn't be more opposite in this way. One (19) is my sidekick, the other (22) we haven't hardly talked except about money since she was 16. I really think the difference is that the one is always trying to change me and never really listens to my advice. While the other is willing to take on my own terms.
FA
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