A
male
age
36-40,
*lost
writes:Hi! I don't know from where to start? I am 26 years old its been a year since I am married and now I get the vibes that everything is falling apart. Basically I am from India I moved into England only because my wife wanted me to. I have well established dad's real estate business and every luxury what money can possibly afford but I still moved cause of her. From the very first day I moved in I can't find any passion in my wife, I used to cry missing my family and my hometown , my wife well aware of it just changed her side and went off to sleep. All the love making we have made was entirely my effort, she has never cooperated or asked for it. Its been almost four months since I am here and she has never ever hugged me. She is polite but she is not loving. She is not even aware of sex and human reproductive system. She thinks a lady delivers a child after twelve months of pregnancy! I don't feel like making love to her cause she hardly makes any movement or shows any affection , which makes me feel very cheap and sick of myself. It was our anniversary one and half months back and she was excited only for the dinner date and when back home she dozed off without even saying good night. Since that day we haven't made love, I never made any effort and she never asked. I tried to talk to her so many times about it and she finds this perfectly fine and she says she is really very happy and loves me. May be doesn't know what love and marriage is all about? She acts very weird, laughs without any reasons, makes faces while talking, wiggles her neck for no reason while talking as if giving directions with her neck, she is always excited about things which relates to her she was least excited about my birthday which was shortly after our anniversary, We have spent two birthdays of mine together but she never gifted me anything on my birthday not even a flower, don't misunderstand me its not about the gift its about the feelings which are missing. I am 26 by now and we life know life is uncertain, no matter how much effort I make if she never starts behaving normal, I request you please suggest being neutral what should I do ? If you want me to make every possible effort I will make I promise but for how long do you think I should take it after all I am also just an ordinary human being. We have some common relatives among our families and both families share very good relations with each other. DO you think is my problem worth spoiling this all ? Please suggest I am feeling very helpless.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2011): Hi. I'm sorry to hear you want more from your wife emotionally and spiritually. It sounds like you feel empty inside and confused about where the marriage is heading, and what is expected of you as a man and husband. I'm wondering what the courting phase of your relationship looked like...? Were you given the opportunity to get to know each other...or was this more of an arranged marriage? There are many areas open for understanding in both of your minds and hearts but as you cannot control or delve into hers...you might choose to delve into yours. It may start by talking to a good, qualified relationships counsellor that doesn't know your families or is not connected directly to your faith. By exploring and understanding your on values, attitudes and expectations of love and marriage and what is a 'normal' (healthy) sexual relationship, you may be in a better position to work on a marriage relationship. You may eventually reach a stage where you feel intellectually, and emotionally ready to move on. It might also look like what you have taught yourself through counselling has helped you experience new ways of learning about each other and ways of sharing experiences and basically sharing intimacy and learning to trust. This is a slow process which you may have been robbed of, if you married without the benefit of courting/dating. You need to examine what your traditional values and attitudes (and expectations) of a wife and marriage are, and whether you have any Western values, attitudes or expectations of love and marriage...and then see how they are similar, or different, to hers. Then the understanding and respect of each others views must be reached....then you re-negotiate your relationship so both of you know what each can expect of each other. A big part of this is your work. You don't need her to come along to counselling. Eventually, you may feel confident in approaching her with an opportunity to join you in separate marriage counselling (with a separate counsellor) (you keep yours just for yourself which is what a counsellor would recommend in terms of ethical therapeutic practices). Don't underestimate that she may possibly be very content with her life (especially if she has understood her opportunities in life, love, sex and marriage to be limited) and she may be content with you. She may also feel conflicted in many ways...and if so, she may not even be ready to learn about them. This is your work. The opportunity is here for you to rediscover yourself, first. I wish you well in your journey ;)
A
male
reader, foolishsage  +, writes (20 January 2011):
 mlost - unfortunately, you cannot change who people are and you cannot control how they act or what they want - so, if your wife is fine with things how they are, there is no reason for her to want to change and you can't make her.
At the same time, you are not getting your needs and wants met in the least bit and have sacrificed much in leaving your home and family.
It appears that you have few remaining options. As you would like to try to make this work, I would suggest that you try to communicate with her exactly how it is that you feel as you have done here. If there is no change or not enough change, then you may consider couple's counseling. But please be aware that if she is fine with things as they are and has no desire to change anything and it leaves you feeling the same, then - at that time - your options become limited to remaining in a marriage that does not fulfill your needs or leaving that marriage. It's not running away when you've made every attempt possible and it turns out to be a square peg that just doesn't fit into a round hole.
Best of luck to you
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A
male
reader, mlost +, writes (19 January 2011):
mlost is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing is our marriage is a typical arrange type and we didn't even get much time as our courtship and the time we got she never used to talk much I always used to think that may be she is a shy kind person. Before I moved in we didn't get to spend much time after marriage we have spend only 45 days together before I moved in. 25 when we got married and 20 days four months after that. We went to Thailand for our honeymoon and even then the sex life was same but she always used to say that she is tired - she is tired. I could not come to England to earlier cause of the unfinished business of mine and she always used to crib about her job and holidays. I tried to talk to my doctor and took her once there and I told her so many things which I have as problems with her but she forgot all of them when we went there. I think she is over secured about me and to her its like everyone gets married and there is nothing so special about being someone's special. It is not big deal for me to break up with her and I have no special love about settling down here, I can fly back whenever I want but I want my marriage to work , I am not among those who run away from there problems, I want to face it and the reason I am here is that I advice from you guys who have more experience and knowledge about relations . I am not here to look for ways to run away from my problem.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (19 January 2011):
 Wow, you got messed upon..you might have a "gold-digger' on your hands(just sayin') If I was in your spot ,i'd probably have her go with you to a marriage conseler9assuming you want this to work in the long run. If she refuses, grab your bags and flee.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): How was she before you get married? before you move? Give as a background. Either you have entered being aware of this but expecting change or she is playing you.
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A
male
reader, foolishsage +, writes (19 January 2011):
mlost, I don't know where to begin. What was the relationship like before you were married or before you moved? I'm afraid that I don't understand if it's always been at least a bit like this or if it's only been for a certain period of time.
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