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age
36-40,
*unny_trooper
writes:I've been in an on/off relationship with this guy for many years now. We always break up due to one problem, his parents. Our parents come from the same country and religious background, however he strongly believes that his parents will never accept me because my parents are from a different city to his, they're more progressive in thinking and we're not religiously practising, whereas his family are very traditional and old school, girls from his do not need to be educated, have to be religious and housewives. They will not be happy if he dated someone, and will especially disown him if they found out he was involved in me. He said he wants to keep his parents happy and knows he cannot marry me. I even asked him to hint to his parents about me, but refuses to, as he said he knows their thinking. They want him to get a proper arranged marriage. The thought of him married to someone else really hurts me. I've tried getting over him many times, but nothing has worked. What do I do? Why can't I marry the one I want? And no, he will not run away, as marriages don't work like that. Reply to this Question
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reader, foolishsage  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 Bunny, I too am truly sorry to hear that this is the case with him. I understand that it is very, very difficult to let go of someone that is so much a part of you and is so important in your life.If this is the path that he has chosen, first you must come to accept that you and he will never be able to have the relationship that you want. It's not just losing what you have right now that hurts, it's losing that future together that you had in your mind's eye. You have to accept that the future with him is not there. I know that I felt with some breakups that there just wasn't anyone else out there that could ever make me happy - my brain told me otherwise, but my heart struggled with the matter. Yours will too. But you will go on to love again and find someone that you admire, adore and respect - that you'll be able to laugh with and to grow with and maybe even grow old with. Right now, it's just a mystery as to who that person may be - but he is out there - and you will find him. When it's time.One thing that you can take away from this is growth. Every experience that we gain brings us new wisdom - even if only about ourselves. Every wound that we endure, we will also recover from and grow stronger. I for one am of a mind that all things do happen for a reason - though we may be unawares as to what that reason is until much later sometimes. It will take time, but you'll heal. Grieve for your loss - cry - let it out. It's natural and nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed by. Let your friends help you - let them be there for you - talk their ears off and cry on their shoulders. That's what friends are for. Take up a new hobby if you so choose - (personal experience: tai chi was a great stress release for me) After a while, you won't feel the need to mourn your loss any longer and then will come your new opportunity for you to focus on you.The term "opportunity" may seem odd at a time like this for you, but take it for what it truly is and take advantage of the chance for you to create new goals for yourself - personal goals, financial goals, whatever it is that you choose to pursue. And set off after them - because at that point, you will be able to create your own new future with happiness and love of self.I'm sorry for the pain that you're going through - I know that it's hard. Just know that you will survive and come out stronger and happier for it.I wish you the best of life and love.; )
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reader, firstlovelastlove  +, writes (23 February 2011):
 "What hurts more, is he tells me to move on and marry someone who will look after me and make me happy." This has to hurt. I am sorry you are hurting.
"It's just hard to move on, when the one person becomes a part of your heart and soul." I think you are having such a hard time because he is part of your "soul". I think you should do anything you can do for a mental and physical diversion from him. Meaning putting away photographs and/or mementos that are a constant reminder of him. Just to give your heart, mind and soul a rest. I wish you well.
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reader, bunny_trooper +, writes (23 February 2011):
bunny_trooper is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhat hurts more, is he tells me to move on and marry someone who will look after me and make me happy. I guess this is a lost case for me. It's just hard to move on, when the one person becomes a part of your heart and soul. thank you all so much for your loving words. Please do say more, I think I need more words to knock some sense into me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): end it- he care more for someone else besides you. find a man who will put you first and be happy!
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reader, charitysend +, writes (22 February 2011):
Many years? That's a whole bunch of years too many. "He said he wants to keep his parents happy and knows he cannot marry me." Believe him. He cannot marry you. You are asking him to be something that he cannot be; something that he does not want to be. He does not want to be a person that makes his parents unhappy. He does not want to be disowned.
You are very right when you say "Marriage don't work like that." Marriage isn't just about two people. It's a joining of families. These people don't seem like a good fit for you and your parents.
Hold this love you have for him in a special place in your heart, and open up the rest of your heart to someone who can love you back. It will help very much if you can move to a different city, or go on a long trip anywhere but here.
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reader, The Girl with the Diver's Hair +, writes (22 February 2011):
To be honest why are you still with this guy if he wont tell his parents and make it official??? I think he owes it to you o tell them and so if he doesnt perhaps you should tell them yourself. Its not that bad of an idea and it could help the relationship.
Tell them you have different religious beliefs and about your family. They may just be glad that their son has found someone like you who wants to get married and accept you.
Good Luck. E x
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reader, bunny_trooper +, writes (22 February 2011):
bunny_trooper is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys,
Thank you for your lovely support. Unfortunately, there is no way he would take me to his parents. He's not even allowed to have female friends. As for going to his parents myself, they can't speak English, and I can't speak their language, and there's no way he'd let me speak to them either.
Being the eldest son, he feels responsible for his parents and needs a wife that will take over his mother's responsibilities at home. I tried so hard to persuade him to try make it work, I even said I would change and give up my career, all I wanted was to be with him, but he said there's no way I would be able to handle the lifestyle even if he was to try bring his parents around. I know, I am a great fool to love a person who doesn't have the guts to stand up for me, but my heart just cannot help itself. How do I tell myself that it's for the best?
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reader, foolishsage +, writes (22 February 2011):
Bunny, I'm sorry to hear of your situation. A friend of mine was in a somewhat similar situation and I can understand the mental and emotional torment.If this is tearing you up, you need to tell him exactly how it's making you feel and do everything that you can to let him know the position that you are in. If you want to spend the rest of your life with him, then you need to tell him - if you cannot bear the situation, you need to tell him that as well.He's in a tough situation - most people want the love and approval of their parents in matters that are important to their lives. And if he feels that he knows already what their thoughts on the matter will be, then I understand his fear. If he cannot get past that fear and will not tell them about you and how much he loves you and cares for you and wants you to be the one, then regrettably, it is best for you to move on. You're not being fair to yourself by staying.I'm not saying that you should give him some sort of ultimatum, but for your own peace of mind - if you need that resolution soon, you should go if this is something that he will not do.In my friend's circumstance, his religion was different from his girlfriend's religion and her parents pushed very, very hard for her to be with "one of their own". They knew about him, but didn't know that it was serious at all. Mind you, they'd completely disowned her older sister for marrying a man of a different race, so she was very scared. After 8 years of seeing one another, she finally told her family that she loved him and that he makes her happy and all of the wonderful things about him and she boldly told them that she did not want him to not be a part of her life just because of religion. Two years later, her family sponsored a most wonderful wedding for them. Now, that is not always going to be the case - but when she told them on no uncertain terms that he was the one that made her happy and that she wasn't trying to be rebellious, but that she just wanted to be happy and told them how much she loved him - they found that they just wanted their daughter to be happy and upon meeting my friend, they came to accept him.Maybe, just maybe if your boyfriend is able to find the courage and the resolve and is willing to take the risk for the sake of his own happiness, then maybe he will be as fortunate as well. If he does not have the same fortune, then he must make a decision if he needs to spend the rest of his life making his parents happy at such high costs. If he does not have the courage and the resolve to take that risk, then sadly it likely is in your best interest to leave him. As painful as it may be to do so, it will probably hurt more to stay in the same circumstance.I wish you the best - this situation has taken much courage on your part to have stayed in as long as you have. If he can not match that courage with his parents, then I suggest you find someone who doesn't wish to be ruled by the wishes of only making their parents happy at all costs.
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reader, firstlovelastlove +, writes (22 February 2011):
"I've been in an on/off relationship with this guy for many years now." I'm sure you know each other very well by now. "He said he wants to keep his parents happy" I'm sure you know he is a 'people pleaser' and maybe you should 'Google' this if you haven't already. "he said he knows their thinking" It's been my experience that it's always a bad idea to think you know what anyone else is thinking.
Annalisa gives great advice "A man should stand up for what he wants." This is part of being a man. "go talk to his parents yourself!" Again, great advice. Your name here "bunny_trooper" suggests to me you are a very strong woman and maybe 'cute as a bunny' as the saying goes. Be a 'trooper' and confront his parents with your physical presence. By you saying his parents are "very traditional and old school" could it be they are trying to scare you away? Love conquers all, including two "very traditional and old school" parents. I wish the two of you all the best!
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reader, IHateWomanBeaters +, writes (22 February 2011):
 I have to agree. If I were supposedly in love with someone, the only thing stopping me from being with them, if they loved me back, would be death. He is a jackass and you are a fool for even worrying about him. However, I should probably say that you do love him, so think about it logically. There is 0% chance if you do nothing. There is a chance if you stand up to his parents and say, "you need to accept me, because your son loves me and I love him". Before you make up some excuse ask yourself, "DO I LOVE HIM?". If the answer is yes, then talk to his parents yourself!
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reader, Captain Ziggy +, writes (22 February 2011):
 Once again I completely agree with Annalisa. He has to stick up for you.
Tell him what you want out of this, and ask him to commit to it.
If he's that afraid of his parents, then do you really want him as a husband? With his mother deciding where you will live, and the car that you car?
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