Should I wait or move on?
Q. I was with my girlfriend for 4 years, but split up 3 weeks ago. I was the one to suggest it, then after a week I realized how much I loved her and really wanted her back. So I told her this, but she said it doesn't feel right to her. After some tea...
A. 11 January 2006: It sounds like neither of you have given yourselves (or each other) any real time to do some thinking and soul searching. You're clearly attached to one another, and there are obviously feelings between you two. Whether they're healthy is very hard ... (read in full...)
If trust has been broken... Can it ever be gotten back?
Q. I have been on and off with my boyfriend. We have known eachother for 8 years. The main reason of our breakups were because the trust was broken between us. My question is if the trust has been broken in a relationship is it possible to be able to ...
A. 11 January 2006: Honestly? I think once trust has been broken, it's broken. It may grow back a bit, one may feel more comfortable with the one who broke the trust, but it will never be that virgin trust, that unsullied, untrammeled, unbroken trust.
This is not t... (read in full...)
Oops! Did I call him too soon and appear desperate?
Q. Im confused.. I went to a club the other night and I was dancing with this guy.. He was really dirty dancing with me and he was kissing me.. He then later bought me a drink and we kinda talked. However, it was kinda hard to talk in a club.. .at the ...
A. 11 January 2006: Okay. Here's a really craaaazy question: what did *you* want from this encounter?
You mentioned that it got hot and heavy, you said that the club wasn't conducive to talking. Are you thinking that there was some kind of love connection? And if s... (read in full...)
My boyfriend only "approves" of my having female friends. Now I've lost touch with the male friends I used to have...
Q. I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years, and its great. However, since we have been together he has made it clear that I cannot have any male friends besides him. Due to this I have lost contact with all of my male friends and ...
A. 11 January 2006: I'm concerned that you "tend to get along better with men." But I'm more concerned that the man you've been with for three years is controlling/non-trusting enough that he'd constantly pester you as to who's calling or whose text messages are ... (read in full...)
Why does my boyfriend avoid talking about our future?
Q. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year. We both say we love each other, yet he never will bring up the future. Whenever I try to, he always says he does not know if we will be dating. We are both in our twenties and I just want to ...
A. 20 December 2005: Women tend to decide much earlier on whether they see a relationship lasting or not. Some of this is because we tend to *want* long-term relationships more than men and so spend more time prepping: deciding what we want in a mate, learning to ... (read in full...)
Am I just too nice to my girlfriend?
Q. Is it possible to be too much of a nice guy...(wishy washy)? Could that drive a girl away, even if she says that all her exes were assholes compared to me?...
A. 17 December 2005: I think the "nice guy" thing is a misnomer. Instead of thinking "too nice", try substituting "too needy" or "too desperate". Strength of character--a strong, unwavering sense of beliefs and the ability to follow through on those, regardless of what ... (read in full...)
We're engaged but his family doesn't like me!
Q. I've been dating a guy for quite a long time now, he proposed to me, but his sister doesn't like me and has a strong impression on him, not changing his mind, but just making him angry. His mom is the only one in his family that he really gets ...
A. 28 November 2005: It seems like you already know that you don't just marry the person—you marry the family.
Have you spoken to your fiancé about this? Not just that you're upset, but about about why his family members might feel this way about you? Are you sure thi... (read in full...)
Is it possible to marry someone to recapture the way we felt before?
Q. First and foremost I want to say that this is a very very serious question,That has either a lot of happiness or a lot of pain and suffering. I was married 17 years. Ex cheated on me. We divorced. I starting seeing this wonderful,Truly the best wom...
A. 15 November 2005: Oh, dear. I wish there was a recipe for true love. It does seem like it would solve so many problems for so many people.
It sounds like you and this woman have a great affection for one another. It also sounds like you still have doubts about lo... (read in full...)
I think about girls and boys! What's my sexual orientation?
Q. Hi, I'm a 15 year old female. I'm really confused about my sexuality. One minute im having sexual thoughts about girls then the next it's boys. I've never had a girlfriend, only boys; does this mean im a bisexual?? Please help me!!...
A. 15 November 2005: It's fairly common for youngsters to be a bit confused in their sexuality. I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. And really, I wouldn't worry about it at all: despite what the conservative powers-that-be would have you believe, there are plenty ... (read in full...)
Did our forgettable sex together completely ruin our friendship?
Q. Hi! Since I've been at uni my best mate has been this guy called W. We've always been quite touchy feely cuddly kind of thing, but I've never actually really fancied him as such. One night when I was round at his place we were having a laugh an...
A. 15 November 2005: Permanently? Maybe. It depends on how amazingly cool you both can be, how devoted to the real friendship you both are, and how cool the new girlfriend is with the situation.
My guess is that you will have a rocky time for at least a bit. Come on—... (read in full...)
We hang out together, but we don't go on "dates"...
Q. I'm a 25 year old female who's been dating James for about two months. We've gone on a few dates here and there, but mostly we just hang out (he comes over, or we hang out in groups). I have been iritated lately because he doesn't take me on ...
A. 15 November 2005: It's funny. Customs are different the world 'round, but three things seem to hold true, no matter where you are.
The first thing is that someone who is really interested will show that he is really interested. *Show* it, not tell it. He will fer... (read in full...)
He wants some time apart, but he doesn't want to lose me, either...
Q. Hello, I have been hurting lately. I don't know how to cope with this and I don't know what to do. Well I was living with my boyfriend, but a few weeks ago he broke up with me. He says he needs his space. He said he has been hurting for a while. H...
A. 15 November 2005: It sounds like your boyfriend is going through a lot right now—so much so that he's not really sure what it is he wants, or when, or how, or if.
In a way, he's exactly right when he says he wants to cool it awhile for you. On some level—pe... (read in full...)
I want some attention from my boyfriend too!
Q. How can I get my boyfriend of more than two years to share his focused attention between me and his 6 yr. old son?...
A. 31 October 2005: This is a tough one, because you give very few details, but I'll give it a shot.
First, what is it you feel you're not getting from your boyfriend? Attention? The feeling that you are his top priority? Or really just hours logged with you?
... (read in full...)
On again... off again... on again. Should I stay with my guy or let him go?
Q. I met this guy in November of last year. We told each other that we loved each other in February. For 6 months we had the perfect relationship. But then I went away for 2 weeks and when I came back he wasn't the same. He started treating me ...
A. 31 October 2005: He may love you, in his way, but it's clearly not your way. You want someone who wants to see you and makes the effort, regardless of the distance between you, and who makes you feel loved and cherished even when circumstances prevent you from being ... (read in full...)
Met my online guy in person and he was lovely, but now we're separated by his job...
Q. Have I been used? I recently met a guy online. It was the first time I had ever been in a chat room, so I thought it was really lucky that we hit it off so well. We spent every night talking for hours online. It was pretty intense at times too!! A...
A. 31 October 2005: It sounds like things may have simmered down on his side.
More importantly, it sounds like things may have simmered down with him *beyond an acceptable level for you*.
In other words, you were very happy and felt comfortable with and excited... (read in full...)
She accepts my invitations, but we never meet up and never rings back. Do I misunderstand?
Q. I recently became interest in a woman. We were co-workers with a company. Last year, I transferred to a different division. After my transfer, the two of us began serving together on a advisory board. I began to develop feelings for her. It grew mor...
A. 25 October 2005: It's hard to tell with 100% certainty what's happening, of course, but from what you say in your query, it does sound like any feelings your former co-worker has for you are strictly platonic and/or professional.
My guess is that since you were... (read in full...)
I can't believe I'd have to wait 2 more years to legally date the guy I'm interested in!
Q. I am 16 and have liked older guys since I was 13. I figured that it was just a phase and that eventually I would get over it, but I haven't even been interested in a guy my age in so long that I'm beginning to think that it's not just a phase. I...
A. 25 October 2005: Let's forget that you're a whole lot younger and that most people—me, for instance—are going to call this potential relationship foolhardy for that reason alone. Let's even forget that most people think 13 years is too big a gap—especially when the ... (read in full...)
I love him, but he only thinks to ring me when he wants to meet up!
Q. Hi, I am 19 years old and I've been in an on off relationship with this boy for 5 years. I love him to bits and I think he loves me too in his own way, but the problem is that after we meet up he doesn't ring or text until he feels like meeting up ...
A. 19 October 2005: Here's the unpleasant truth that nevertheless you may welcome for setting you free: if he does love you, it's not in the way that you want.
What's more, I don't think that after five years, he's going to change. This doesn't make him bad or you u... (read in full...)
Why is my fiance talking about his ex to me, just a fortnight before our wedding?
Q. I am supposed to get married in two weeks, however my fiance still talks about his ex and the other night he even started talking about how good the sex used to be and how great it felt.. Is he purposely trying to hurt me? Or is he just not over ...
A. 19 October 2005: I'm confused -- have you never told him that this bothers you? Or have you acted like it was no big deal?
You want to deal with this, and quickly. If you can't resolve it with a conversation now, you must seriously consider whether you want to ... (read in full...)
The boy I like has a baby and a relationship with someone else, but I think he wants me too!
Q. I have liked this boy since 10th grade and now were're in 12th. He has a baby by another girl, but their relationship is off and on. In reality, I know they are going to be together cause of the baby. Now my mind is telling me to let go, but my ...
A. 19 October 2005: You'll probably get a lot of advice along the lines of "you're all too young for this; back off and wait until you're more mature for a serious relationship" -- and that advice would not be off the mark.
But put aside the age thing for a moment a... (read in full...)
My wife is allowing our domestic responsibilities to stand in for a loving relationship...
Q. My wife and I have been married now for 6 years. We have a 3 year old son and a daughter who is almost a year old. Starting back when we were expecting our daughter, I noticed us to somewhat drift apart. At the time it was easy to dismiss it as ...
A. 18 October 2005: From what I hear, you and your wife are in the majority and not the minority when it comes to post-baby togetherness. I can understand it: the demands of parenthood are overwhelming, especially when both parents work in addition to taking care of ... (read in full...)
My husband thinks I should shut up and stand by him, but when is he standing up for me?
Q. Dear cupid, I have been with my husband now for 5 years. We have only been married 1 month and 3 weeks. In our relationship we have had a lot of quarrels but have overcome them, but here lately it’s getting really difficult to get through them. We...
A. 15 October 2005: I'm curious as to what your relationship was like for the five or so years before you two married. Was he always this insensitive? Were there dalliances—electronic or otherwise—before you made it official?
How did you two speak to one another ... (read in full...)
Neither of us have a lot of money, so why do I have to pay for our entertainment?
Q. My bf and I don't have well-paying jobs at the moment and sometimes I get angry or frustrated when he expects me to pay for our outings--I just feel like guys have the privilege to enjoy a girl's company and should at least make the effort to pay ...
A. 10 October 2005: Pardon me for digressing ever so slightly, but I'd be a bad advice columnist if I let pass what I think is an excellent opportunity for you to re-examine your worldview.
Your note makes it sound like perhaps your boyfriend expects you to pay for ... (read in full...)
My girl is obsessed with other guys' legs!
Q. Hi I am 21 and my girlfriend is 19. Whenever we're out and about she always takes photos of other guys' legs and I don't understand why she does it. She won't discuss it with me and I think it is obscene that she does this. What do I do? ...
A. 19 September 2005: She won't discuss it; does that mean you haven't expressed your feelings of discomfort/revulsion with her?
If it's really upsetting you, it's imperative that you two talk it over, if only to let her know how much it upsets you.
If you have b... (read in full...)
When they realised how many lies I was telling, my friends all ditched me!
Q. I have made a big mistake. I used to lie about anything and everything to impresss my friends, and other times lies would just come out without me being able to stop myself from lying. I lie about big things, small things and usually also abo...
A. 19 September 2005: I did some quick research on chronic or compulsive lying after reading your question and a couple of things jumped out at me.
First, chronic lying isn't recognized as a type of mental illness in and of itself (it's not listed in the DSM-IV, ... (read in full...)
No libido at all! Is it my contraceptive device or something else?
Q. I'm a 19 yr old. I have been with my boyfriend sixteen months. I'm curently on nuvaring a birth contol viginal ring. However I have no libido. I have no desire whatsoever. What could be wrong with me?...
A. 17 September 2005: Speak to the prescribing physician. Hormonal birth control can have many adverse side effects, including loss of libido.
There may be a lower-dosage form of birth control that's more appropriate for you since, as I understand it, Nuvaring is a one... (read in full...)
Don't want to hurt my husband who is a good, kind man. Do want to hook up with my toyboy!
Q. I am a 42 year old married woman. I have fallen in love with a man 16 years my junior and he loves me too. We don't know what to do about it. I can't bear the thought of him being with anyone else, but neither of us wants to hurt my husband who is a ...
A. 17 September 2005: I don't think there's anyway you can ensure that no one will be hurt. People's feelings are their own to have, and there's nothing we can do to control them.
If you want to avoid hurting your husband, then you probably have to suck it up, let this... (read in full...)
Am I misreading the actions of two friends, or is my boyfriend playing up with the barmaid?
Q. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and a few months ago i felt that something wasn't quite right. He had become very good friends with a girl working at a local bar our friends parents owned. I didn't mind before as there was no way I ...
A. 13 September 2005: I don't know if they're friends or if they've moved beyond it to something else, but that almost doesn't matter.
The point is this: do you want to be the kind of person who sneaks around reading your boyfriend's text messages? Do you want to be wi... (read in full...)
I was accused of cheating with a boy I was just texting as a friend!
Q. Hiya, I'm 13 years old. I have a problem I really badly need answering. Usually I have an answer to everything but this I don't have an answer to... This lad I was going out with for 2 months finished me a couple of weeks ago and I want to get back...
A. 13 September 2005: You can't talk someone into believing something about you, whether it's true or not. All you can do is lay out the truth, share it with a clear mind and open heart, and hope people will take it in.
Maybe he doesn't believe that this other boy mean... (read in full...)
Our daughter's boyfriend doesn't like me or my husband!
Q. We recently found out my daughters boyfriend of 2 years doesn't like me or my huband. It's hard enough to have a good relationship with someone without the added stress of not liking the parents.We would like to remedy this situation if we can so we ...
A. 13 September 2005: It's commendable that you want to improve the relationship between yourself and your daughter's partner, but I'm not sure if a letter is the most efficient way doing this.
Before I initiated any kind of contact, I'd spend some time trying to ident... (read in full...)
After a really bad experience, I lack the confidence to try things in bed to please my fiance!
Q. I could do with a little advice or pointing to some helpful sites. I have a wonderful fiance who I love very much but he feels he's not good enough for me or that I don't find him attractive as I'm too scared to try anything in bed. I was in an ab...
A. 13 September 2005: I'd second Delila's advice and add to it that perhaps you should consider some private counseling, either alone or together, in addition to upping the communication level within the relationship.
It's good that your fiancé has an understa... (read in full...)
My boyfriend lied about being divorced. Now he's telling the truth, but do I trust him?
Q. My boyfriend lied to me and told me he had broken up with his wife, but apparently it wasn't so. He had been ignoring me in the last few months so I did the same. Now he wants me back and says he has formally divorced his wife. I confirmed this with ...
A. 13 September 2005: I'm a little leery of this situation for a couple of reasons.
First, I'm a firm believer in the truth, having conducted relationships both inside and outside of it in the past. I'm also a firm believer in forgiving someone who is truly sorry an... (read in full...)
When we were forced apart, my girlfriend started becoming more distant...
Q. I am a lesbian. My g/f and I are different nationalities. Because of visa difficulties we have had to be apart for the past 2 months. Communication has been difficult, but we spoke when we could on the net and we sms a lot. About six weeks ago the ...
A. 13 September 2005: Clearly, your girlfriend has been going through something she's felt unable, for whatever reasons, to share with you. Whether it's because she feels you wouldn't understand or because she can't make you understand, it's a significant part of her ... (read in full...)
We were best friends, but the only guy I ever cared about was sent away. I just can't move on!
Q. I'm 16 years old. The only guy I ever truly cared about my whole life got sent away. It has been a year since I have seen him, talked to him, or heard from him. I'm going crazy. Wwe were so close and we cared about each other so much. It was diff...
A. 13 September 2005: I wish he didn't have to go, either. I don't even know why he was sent away and I wish he didn't have to go.
Here's the thing: nothing will ever be like your relationship with this boy again. You had a special connection with him that you cannot, ... (read in full...)
My wife's "best friend" is a man...
Q. My wife of eighteen years has a male "best friend" at work that she just talks to. She says it is no different than my best friends but I don't have female best friends. I have asked or suggested that she invite him and his wife over for dinner ...
A. 8 September 2005: While I agree with the previous advisor that often jealousy points to some lack of confidence that needs to be addressed, I also don't see your request as entirely unreasonable. While there are always aspects of ourselves we keep private in a ... (read in full...)
Should I break up with him, since he doesn't care about my feelings?
Q. My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year and now he is saying that he wants to go back to just dating. We where almost living together when he decided this. Now he went away for the weekend with friends and I didn't hear form him...
A. 6 September 2005: It sounds as though, for whatever reasons, your boyfriend has already checked out of this relationship. I'm sorry you're struggling with this right now, and I know how hard it can be when one party unilaterally breaks things off, but I don't see ... (read in full...)
It's wearing my boyfriend out, dividing his time between me and his son!
Q. I have been dating this guy for about 3 months now. He is very nice and says he loves me. I also love him. The problem him being 58 and has a 16 year old son. I am 50 with no children and dependents at home. He says he did not think that he would...
A. 6 September 2005: It sounds like you guys fell into something really quickly, before he realized how difficult it was going to be to fold you into his life. You've asked him point blank what he wants to do and he's said he wants time, for now.
If you really l... (read in full...)
I can't stop thinking about him, but he's 43!
Q. I am 15 and I am in love with a 43 year old man. I don't really know him that well, but I do know that he is really nice and kind. I find myself thinking about him nearlly all the time. What should I do?...
A. 6 September 2005: Putting aside the immense gulf in age, I'd say that if you don't really know this man all that well, the chances are pretty slim that you're really in love. Real love requires a deep knowledge of one another, gained mutually and over a long period ... (read in full...)
There are 10 years between us. It feels like too big a gap!
Q. I'm 15 years old and have been involved with a guy, we'll call him Joey, who just turned 25 for the past few months. To me, 10 years is a huge difference and really strange. With any other guy of his age I'd have nothing to do with him. But this...
A. 6 September 2005: A ten-year age difference isn't always too much but at your age, it's an immense gulf (no to mention illegal!).
Go about the business of your young life and let him go about the business of his. If you're both unattached in another 10 years an... (read in full...)
I think sex is disgusting. Can I still find a proper relationship?
Q. Hi I'm 16. I think that sex is disgusting and I'm not to keen on kissing either. Am I the only one and is there any chance of me finding a proper relationship? help and thanks...
A. 6 September 2005: You're going to have a difficult time having a "proper" relationship if by that you mean a romantic relationship with someone who is expecting some kind of sexual intimacy.
If you're worried that you're not yet turned on by the idea of sexual i... (read in full...)
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