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male
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anonymous
writes: First and foremost I want to say that this is a very very serious question,That has either a lot of happiness or a lot of pain and suffering.I was married 17 years. Ex cheated on me. We divorced. I starting seeing this wonderful,Truly the best woman a man could want in his life. We dated 3 years and after about 4 months into our dating she told me she loved me. I said I wouldn't say it till I felt it.After 3-4 months I did tell her and meant it..6 Months ago she asked me in front of her sister and brother and law to marry her, Which we had both talked about.B ut she was more serious than I was about it. I loved it just the way it was. But it wasn't convenient for her,Coming out every day, then leaving every night to her apartment.I have a house that is paid for and we were going to build on and all that..Once the question came up I agreed because of being with her family and thought I couldn't say no..We ended up calling the wedding off and were both very sick. I was in hospital 5 times for depression and suicidal thoughts because of all that happened. We broke it off after all this happened for 2 months or so. She wasn't in hospital but it really really hurt her bad.I finally recovered from my depression mostly I guess,But not all the way. I missed her a lot and thought about her a lot too. Last week I ran into her in store and had some short talk. We hadn't talked in months, Just passed in town a few times and spoke. I started seeing another girl 3 weeks ago and was with her almost 3 weeks. Then after seeing her in store on Thursday I got this burning desire to call her and told her how much I missed her and all that. She said the same and we started kissing and making out and it felt great..I told the other girl I was seeing that I was going back to her.(The one I was gonna marry)We have been back together since Friday evening 11/4/05..Sometimes I feel really close to her and other times I dont. We shared 3 wonderful years together and I want that back and so does she. I want it sooo bad I would give one of my arms to have it back. But my problem Is I dont always feel that close to her and it depresses me when I dont feel that way.I have done my very, very best and feel that I have forgotten the past and moving forward. Please,I'm begging you for help with this situation.... Is there a such thing as marrying someone because you want to have that relationship with that person and I would eventually fall in love with her..I told her I loved her 3 years ago,But never thought I was (IN LOVE) and that's why I couldn't go thru with wedding.. We had soooo much fun together and there isn't anyone I would or could imagine spending my life with except her.. We are like a match made in heaven,or at least we once was...I would love to fall in love and marry her. Can you give me any (helpful) advice to make this happen and you would be my best best friend for life? Thank you so so so much for a quick reply to this situation. Bruce. I'm desperate for help!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2005): Bruce, I'm not sure how helpful I can be but I do have some thoughts and opinions I need to say. Your feelings in your posting are jumping all over the place and you need to clearly identify your 'true' feelings for this woman. You have remained confused, not certain if your affection for this woman has the intensity of long-term marriagable love. There is that popular notion that when a real, true love strikes, the sensations are so passionate, so overwhelming-it's just plain hard to miss. You have to be very careful here. One shouldn't fall into the pattern of thinking that a sexual, purely passionate attraction will provide the basis for a sound, mature, long-term relationship and marriage. That's just not so. There are situations, where a quality, true love is so subtle-it can easily escape one's notice-when in fact-it's right in front of your nose! When true love is in your heart, you're possessed with a deep desire to meet her needs as well. If this is not you, then I sense you know-that you are capable of stronger romantic feelings than this lady is arousing in you. However, if you desire her to be happy, to prosper, to experience very best-then you may have that true, quality love for her. Don't fall for the notion that there may be always something better 'around the corner'. So many men shortchange themselves to a quality, loving committment because they think this way, only to realize later 'they lost one heck of a good woman'. strongly suggest you seek some spiritual counselling from a minister or a reputable, good 'couples' therapist. You need some professional advice on how to sort out your feelings, hun. They may put it all in perspective for you. I wish you the best of luck getting this sorted out. You owe it to yourself and to her-to really do some soul searching and find out what's best for both of you. Good Luck and take care, Bruce.
Hugs, Irish
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reader, communicatrix +, writes (15 November 2005):
 Oh, dear. I wish there was a recipe for true love. It does seem like it would solve so many problems for so many people.
It sounds like you and this woman have a great affection for one another. It also sounds like you still have doubts about love—about the possibility of it with her, about the nature of it in general. It sounds like you still have not released the pain you sustained with the betrayal of your marriage.
I think by now you understand you cannot *make* yourself fall in love with someone. But maybe you don't need to. Maybe it could be enough to care deeply for one another, to have ridiculous amounts of fun and good feeling for one another. Maybe if you could lay off heavy words like "love" and "marriage", love might be a natural outgrowth of the happy, meaningful, connected time you spend together.
A word of caution: it probably can't if both of you don't feel like you'd be 100% satisfied with just the indefinite fun-without-actual-LOVE scenario. If anyone has an agenda, this won't work. But maybe if you're both mature and unattached to outcome, you might end up with something wonderful.
It sounds like you really enjoy one another's company; maybe it's worth a try.
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