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female
,
anonymous
writes: I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years and a few months ago i felt that something wasn't quite right. He had become very good friends with a girl working at a local bar our friends parents owned. I didn't mind before as there was no way I thought he would fancy her. Then as I saw them together on nights out I began to see a pattern that when my boyf got drunk, he ignored me and paid attention to her. I got more and more wound up and as he didn't tell me anything.I read his texts and saw texts they sent, flirtatious. He goes to the bar every Wednesday and gets a lift home with her and when I told him I read the texts he denied anything was going on. They were just friends and flirted. He has since met up with her after being at the bar. They meet in his garage. I know this from a feeling and then reading texts again over the past couple of days.I dont have confirmation that anything has heppened and I can't ask as I can't tell him I have gone behind his back again and read tetxs but, I am driving myself mad with jelousy and paranoia. What do I do, as I feel sick with frustration and I don't know if I can trust him. Are they friends having to sneak about because of me or lovers hiding from me?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, communicatrix +, writes (13 September 2005):
 I don't know if they're friends or if they've moved beyond it to something else, but that almost doesn't matter.
The point is this: do you want to be the kind of person who sneaks around reading your boyfriend's text messages? Do you want to be with someone who continues to engage in behavior you've told him you find hurtful?
Stop concentrating on the gossipy minutiae of this relationship for a second. Take a step back and look at it from a broader perspective. Yes, you've been together three years, but if neither of you are getting what you want, is a three-year time investment alone reason enough for staying.
I think you would best be served by taking some time to examine what about this relationship you find so compelling. An honest examination of what you're really getting—and not getting, and not asking for, and not giving—is going to be the most valuable move you can take for the long run.
Good luck to you.
A
female
reader, Becca42478 +, writes (12 September 2005):
Are you in a serious relatiionship? Three years sounds serious. Let me get this straight, after he's drunk, they met in his garage? She takes him home from the bar? Are you sure that's all that happens? I would have a serious problem with that. I would keep my mouth shut to him about it if possible. If you let him know you are onto him, he will be more careful, and if he's cheating, he's unlikely to admit it. You need to be sure he's not sleeping with her, that's dangerous! If he's meeting her in his garage after he's been drinking and not inviting you or letting you know about he's disrespecting you and what you have. And flirting with her in front of you! Do you flirt in front of him and ignore him? You should be treated with the same respect that you treat him with. It's time for a little inspector gadget detective work. Be clever and sly as a fox. Good luck, I hope everything works out for the best.
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