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female
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anonymous
writes: Hi! Since I've been at uni my best mate has been this guy called W. We've always been quite touchy feely cuddly kind of thing, but I've never actually really fancied him as such. One night when I was round at his place we were having a laugh and after drinking a couple of bottles of champagne we were quite pissed! One thing led to another and we ended up kissing and having sex! The sex was crap because I kind of realised that I was making a big mistake and just said that I couldn't carry on, much to my friend's embarassment! There have been a few occasions where we have got a bit pissed and ended up kissing and sleeping together in the same bed and on a couple of occasions when he was pissed he ended up declaring his undying love for me. Now that he's got a girlfriend I just feel so embarassed about what we've done and it's kind of spoilt our friendship. Since we've met up recently I've felt really awkward and uncomfortable remembering the things we've done together..have I permanently ruined our friendship by overstepping the mark?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): I'd been friends with a man for almost 30 years. He always had girlfriends/women. I knew all the details. I never knew he was interested in me til a couple years ago when he made a comment about one of his past girlfriends saying she believed I was always interested in him. Then suddenly last year we connected. It was the best, I never knew what it was to feel loved like that. He said, "but we've always like each other for years." I trusted him, adored him, believed him. He recently told me he only felt we were good friends. I am devastated and have elected to discontinue our lifelong friendship. I somehow felt deceived and ridiculed. I think all along I was the one female friend that he hadn't had sex with, and as soon as he conquered; we as friends were divided. He said he loved me all the time, now he claims he meant it only as a good friend. It wasn't worth it...to feel humiliated and and ridiculed by such a special friend is more painful than I could've ever imagined.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2006): I had drunk sex with a friend of mine around 5 years ago. It was awkward afterward and we didn't tell anybody, including all of our mutual friends.
As the years passed, we cared so much about eachother that it didn't really matter that we had had sex. We would talk about it every once and a while, but it had nothing to do with our friendship.
I think I always viewed it as a mistake, and he viewed it as a missed opportunity to have something more meaningful with me.
The good news is that it didn't ruin our friendship at all, I think it strengthened it to a certain degree.
Just recently, I decided that I had to be with him, but if I hadn't, we would have still had the wonderful friendship we had before.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2005): At the end of the day if the sex was bad, you 2 just need to practice more together. If he is really into his new girlfriend then I would try and be mates and leave well alone. Otherwise just hook up again and have a good time.
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A
reader, communicatrix +, writes (15 November 2005):
 Permanently? Maybe. It depends on how amazingly cool you both can be, how devoted to the real friendship you both are, and how cool the new girlfriend is with the situation.
My guess is that you will have a rocky time for at least a bit. Come on—it's only fair, given what's happened.
But no, it doesn't mean the friendship is dead for both of you...unless you both decide embarrassment overrides the value of riding out the discomfort until time does its magical thing.
Lie low, stay off the champagne and keep your pants on. Talking about it, while not verboten, isn't necessarily a faster route back to friendship. Patience and time—and probably, given the uneven situation, plenty of both—are what's required.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2005): The worst thing is to have the sex not completed at least to some level. I make an execption only for moral compunctions coming up. Outside of that, its the worst. This hangs over everything. The pregnant pause that goes on until eternity.
If you haven't moved on in your life to the point where this friendship moot, and you both free up, you will have to soldier through to completion.
This "undying love" really is a topper. Are you sure you dont have too many friends already? Really need this guy? If so I guess you have to let him step up to the plate again and have another set of at-bats. The poor guy has probably been berating himself since then that you think this is representative of his prowress.
Agree between yourselves in advance that you are going to do this once, get it right and prove to the Universe that you aren't a couple of drips, and then move on.
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