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female
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anonymous
writes: I am a lesbian. My g/f and I are different nationalities. Because of visa difficulties we have had to be apart for the past 2 months. Communication has been difficult, but we spoke when we could on the net and we sms a lot. About six weeks ago the sms, the calls diminuished. When we did speak she sounded different. She talks only of herself and tells me she has many problems in her country and I can't understand. This has caused some friction between us and the greater the friction the more remote she has become. This obviously is making me very insecure. She knows this and does nothing to alleviate my insecurity. Now she has returned to our adoptive country and I am due to join her this week. Sshe says she wants to continue the relationship but has concerns but I hear nothing in her voice or her manner that says she cares for me - what should I do?
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reader, kelly16 +, writes (4 October 2005):
She obviously does care about u, u can't just switch off ur feelings like that, mayb she feels this long distance is putting a strain on ur relationship, wen she says she has problems in her country that u don't know about, mayb u sud respect that she doesn't want 2 tell u, i knuow it's the typical lovers instinct 2 wana help, but jus b their 4 her wen she needs u, there sounds like theirs loads of thngs 4 u 2 too talk thru. Tel her how much u love her and respect her. x
A
reader, communicatrix +, writes (13 September 2005):
 Clearly, your girlfriend has been going through something she's felt unable, for whatever reasons, to share with you. Whether it's because she feels you wouldn't understand or because she can't make you understand, it's a significant part of her life right now and you're cut out of it, which is making both of you feel disconnected, I imagine.
I can understand how a loss of connection would make you feel insecure, but if at all possible, try to step back and look at this from a broader perspective. What *is* she going through? How can you better understand it? Is it possible to put aside how you're feeling—insecure, cut-off, unseen—and look at how your response might be exacerbating what is obviously already a very strained situation?
In other words, maybe what would be helpful now is for you stop focusing on your need for validation and place extra emphasis on what she might need. When you're both back together, do what you can to reassure her that you love her, that you want to be there for her in the bad times as well as the good, and ask her if there's any way she can help you to understand what she's going through so the two of you can help each other get through this together.
If you can create a safe space for her to open up, she might be able to. If nothing else, at least you'll know you've done everything you can to support your partner and the relationship.
Good luck to you both.
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