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female
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anonymous
writes: I could do with a little advice or pointing to some helpful sites. I have a wonderful fiance who I love very much but he feels he's not good enough for me or that I don't find him attractive as I'm too scared to try anything in bed. I was in an abusive relationship before him where I had things I wasn't comfortable with forced on me and also had my confidence completely shattered. I can't seem to get intimate with my fiance as I fear I'll be awful and have no idea what to actually do to make it enjoyable for him. He's extremely supportive of me and does understand all of this. I'd just love to have the confidence to show him how I feel for him and how attracted I am to him.
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reader, communicatrix +, writes (13 September 2005):
 I'd second Delila's advice and add to it that perhaps you should consider some private counseling, either alone or together, in addition to upping the communication level within the relationship.
It's good that your fiancé has an understanding of where your reticence comes from, but even the most understanding of guys may not realize exactly how understanding—how slow-moving, how patient, how thick-skinned—he needs to be.
Can you figure out what, if anything, he could give you besides time to aid your healing process—to make you feel safe? Perhaps you could spend some time yourself (or with a therapist) identifying those things. Some of them may not even be sexual; as I understand it, abusive relationships are very much about power and control. Maybe if you figured out some ways you could make yourself feel stronger and more powerful and "in" yourself in your everyday life, you'd feel more able to open up to him in ways that are sexually intimate.
Also, it wouldn't hurt to find out other ways you could shower him with the love and attention you'd like to that are *not* of a sexual nature. Let him know you're working toward the rest of it, but ask him if, in the meantime (and even after you're back at 100%) there are any ways he could think of that are non-sexual (i.e., not threatening to you) that would make him feel confident about your love for and attraction to him.
Good luck to you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2005): An abusive rape left me in the same boat as you. I was afraid to get close to men thinking I was damaged goods. When the time was right, I found someone who understood my fear and talked with me to work it out. Eventually I realized that to him I was perfect and once I began to feel good about myself, I was good at making him feel good too. You have to have the trust and the love. If it's right you will know it.
It's hard to forget what was done in the past but if you have good communication with each other, you will be able to let go of the past and love your guy for who he is and how he makes you feel. The rest will come naturally. Just be patient.
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A
female
reader, Delila +, writes (12 September 2005):
Talk, Talk, Talk. If your fiance is confident it will be ok. He needs to take the lead here and understand that you have been hurt and he must not take your lack of confidence personally. He needs to start asking you directly when he wants you to do something, he needs to keep telling you that you are amazing and so beautiful. He needs to be able to accept if you don't want to do something, when he accepts it even just the once it will start the healing process for you.
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