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female
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*eartbroken lady
writes: Dear cupid,I have been with my husband now for 5 years. We have only been married 1 month and 3 weeks. In our relationship we have had a lot of quarrels but have overcome them, but here lately it’s getting really difficult to get through them. We don't talk unless he wants money or sex or so it seems. He says I should just keep my mouth shut and stand by his side but I've been there all this time and it feels like he's never there for me. I'm always waiting for that little bit of attention but he's always preoccupied with his friends, family or just recently him and a friend opened up a shop together . I feel as if I’m here to work pay the bills, clean, and cook and I've been the one who has had to initiate sex with him.I’m lost. I love him to death and this is really killing me inside. I've left him before only to have him crying for me to come back and once I do 1 week later its the same old stuff again. I do love him but I’m so stressed and wondering if it’s all really worth it or if I’m just holding on to someone who doesn't really want me. I should mention that I was being nosey because of his actions so I checked his email and he had posted himself on there and was listed as being single when I confronted him about it he said it wasn’t him. Then I noticed the charge to his credit card where he was paying for the account and he said he was just goofing off. I really am lost. I feel like I’m running into a wall here I try to talk to him and he either screams at me at the top of his lungs calls me a crybaby or ignores me... Please help with any comment or suggestions.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2006): husband suck, they care about only about themselves, and there no good family, when he is sick its a projectbut when we are sick, they could give 2 shits, if i could i would of divorced along time ago, I am miserable being married to him
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2005): To me he wants and needs you there for his own selfish needs but really dont care that you are in any other way .. this is your life as well dont let him take that away from you .. tell him that the way things are going you will leave and this time not come back and that you want and need to see changes in the relationship.
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reader, communicatrix +, writes (15 October 2005):
 I'm curious as to what your relationship was like for the five or so years before you two married. Was he always this insensitive? Were there dalliances—electronic or otherwise—before you made it official?
How did you two speak to one another before the marriage? Was there give and take, and real listening, for all of those years? Or perhaps have you been putting up with a lot of bad behavior since the beginning?
You say there were quarrels before. Every couple argues and disagrees; it's part of learning to be together. But there are good ways to argue and less good ways. Were you two engaging in a healthy way or not?
I'm also curious as to why you see yourself as perpetually waiting around for attention. Was this a pattern all your life? Did you perhaps grow up craving attention—the normal amount of attention that every child should receive to grow up with healthy self-esteem? Or were you cheated in that area.
I ask because I'm concerned that you would marry someone who screams at you or calls you names or turns his back on you rather than talk to you. I'm also concerned that you've established such a pattern: bad behavior, bad behavior, you can't take it and leave, he caves and you come back. Is that maybe why this is all happening? Because it feels so extraordinary when he takes you back?
And looking through his stuff "because of his actions" ain't too great, either, kid. People who are truly loved and treated well--and who feel good about and strong in themselves--don't do things like that; they don't need to.
You need to take a big step back. Big. This is not, I think, a problem in the marriage; there is something in you that needs to be fulfilled or realized or actualized or whatever-you-call-it so that you would recognize that this is a toxic situation.
At the very least, you need to get serious about your bottom line: what is permissible, what is not. What you will accept in the relationship, what you will not. And then you need to relay it to him in a way that is not accusatory or defensive or manipulative, but that just *is*. And then, if what you want is not made available to you, you must leave.
I have a feeling, though, that you're going to need some help to get there. It's not like you wake up one day and say "oh! I'm going to be an entirely different person now!" Well, maybe a few extraordinary people do. I couldn't.
If it were me, now, I'd get out, period. If it were me a few years ago, I'd get out on contingency--some kind of trial separation, with counseling required for one or both parties.
But believe me, this relationship will not get better without a Herculean effort from both parties. Forget what you feel like: does it seem like he's interested in working that hard?
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