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female
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*at1179
writes: We recently found out my daughters boyfriend of 2 years doesn't like me or my huband. It's hard enough to have a good relationship with someone without the added stress of not liking the parents.We would like to remedy this situation if we can so we can have a real relationship instead of this fake one. Would it be alright if I write him a letter stating that we know he doesn't like us but would like to get together so we can have a chance to remedy the situation for the sake of my daughter and their relationship ? I don't want to have the same distanced relationship I had with my in Laws. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2008): I would guess it is a power struggle. Men need to get all influence away from their intended. It probably isn't that he doesn't like you, he just wants her --totally. I have a similar problem.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): its like a preacher told me one time, 'its none of your business what others think of you', so why make it your business to let it worry you....and you need to let him know that.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2008): i fell sorry for you i am the same situaion my daughter is marring in 6 weeks time and have just been told family dont mater any more and the borfriend dont like us we to want to talk to him but dare not .because all that will be said its your fault.for what loveing our daughter as so you .we are going to sit back and wait with fingers crossed
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2007): Well, unfortunately I find myself in the same position. I adore my daughter...she is my only child....however, while I admire you for wanting to write a letter to your daughters boyfriend, it is pretty simple. He has formed a judgment, for whatever reason, and you can write him and, in a sense, "apologize" for you and your husband for being simply who you are, but may I ask, what is the point? You are obviously wanting to maintain a relationship with your daughter, but why write a letter when you seem like decent people (really, if you weren't loving and caring, why would you have even posted on the web???)and attempt to "become" or "be" what HE wants?? I have spent many a sleepless night over this same issue, but see and realize that I am who I am. No matter what, I will always be the only true mother of my daughter(despite the fact her boyfriends parents have tried to "take over") and will always and forever be here for her. However, I cannot be someone I am not, and despite all my flaws, I AM a good, loving and caring mother to my daughter. She will realize this in time, and I know in my heart she is well aware of how deeply I love and adore her. I will forever be here for her as her mother, regardless of her boyfriend. I will admit I contemplated writing a letter, also, but the love I have for my daughter will NOT make me compromise myself, and basically apologize for being who God made me. I am not perfect by any means, but NO person on this earth is...particularly ANY individual (in your/my, case our daughters boyfriend(s)) who makes ANY parent feel the need to "apologize" for being who they 'are'. I wish you all the best, I truly do. I only hope you will see the two of you are not the only ones in this awkward and sensitive position, and yes, it is heart-wrenching...it truly is. Just keep close in your thoughts that your daughter DOES love you, regardless of how the boyfriend feels. He can never take away the fact that you brought your daughter into this world, loved her, nurtured her...NEVER. That is a bond that can never, never be broken. In my situation, yes, there has been some amount of 'distance' between my daughter and I since she has been with her boyfriend of almost two years, and at times, it has been sheer emotional agony. However, I KNOW I will never write that letter I so often contemplated. I am not a bad person, but I question ANYONE (such as a boyfriend)whom would want to create a problem between ANY parent and "child"...I think that action speaks volumes within itself. Don't doubt yourselves, just keep things civil when you speak to him or see him and just be yourselves. You obviously love your daughter dearly just as I do mine, and that is what is so very, very important. Nothing, absolutely nothing, can compare to the love of a parent for a child, and no boyfriend in the world can ever begin to replace that love...ever....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2006): I am a 16 yr old girl and my bf didnt like my parents at one stage. i have been wi him for a year and a half now ut up until 6months ago he didnt like my parents. i told them and my dad had a chat with him. your daughters bf mite b scared of ur husband! Go oit for a meal or have a BBQ just the 4 of u. Dont shout or swear and things wil work out. Gud luk! xx
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female
reader, ladybaby +, writes (11 January 2006):
Exactly who told you he doesn't like you? Is this a reliable source or someone with an axe to grind with yourselves, daughter or the said boyfriend? If it is any of the latter, then you need to consider their comments very carefully.Saying it is a reliable source, how does he act towards you? Is he rude, uncorteous, aggressive? If not, I wouldn't worry about it to much, the truth is you can't get along with everyone. But don't give up, for your daughter's sake. Take an interest in him, ask him how his family is, his job, any hobbies... Does he share a passion for any kind of activity with your husband? If so encourage your husband to strike up a conversation about it. After a while, he may notice that you are actually OK people, and start to consider you a part of his family and vice-versa.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2006): I am the parent who does not like the daughters boyfriend. I have reasons such as they argue alot, he does not have a job most of the time, and he does not have an education, among a few other goodies.
In my book, it is up to the boyfriend to make sure you like him. You should not worry if he does not like you. Who is he to not like you? Your daughter should also be weary of this. I don't know how old your daughter is, but she should probably be dating different peoople and getting to know what is important to her in a relationship. I certainly wish my daughter would! I do know how hard it is and I really commend you for your giving attitude!
Cloe
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2005): I don't understand why you would want to write him a letter! Why not sit down with him and your daughter and be open about this face to face? If he is not honest with his feelings, let it go. Concentrate on the relationship you have with your daughter. You only have control over your feelings, not someone else's.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2005): Like the BF I'm in the same situtation with my GF parents, we have been living together for 3 years. Her parents including family have never made me feel like part of the family and her mother lie's all the time and make's things up. Not always to hurt our relationship but either way it's not the type of person I would normally have contact with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2005): Here's what I think and please remember, I am basing my opinion the assumption that you and/or your husband have done "nothing-zilch-zero" to make this fellow resent you. So with that said..I feel either this guy has never been taught manners on how to respect others or he is one sad excuse for a bf and you daughter had better be careful. To me disrespecting you and your husband is a clear-choice he has made and this alone tells me-he may have some unseemly character traits that makes me feel uneasy. One should never do this unless they have been given a darned good reason. Your daughter's bf should realize he's not in the bargaining position here, to see who deserves more respect. You are her parents-it should be automatic. He should be working hard to earn respect from you and your husband, rather than disrespecting the parents of the woman he loves.
Does he not understand the sacrifices, the unconditional love, the nuturing, the support and guidance you have given your daughter-that helped her become the wonderful person she is today, the woman he loves?
I would like to suggest you sit down with your daughter and ask for her honest input into what is going on. If you and your husband have been nice to this fellow, haven't done anything disrespectful to him, haven't said anything to deserve his dislike & disrespect, then there is a good chance that some seeds of resentment have been planted in his mind. I repeat, talk to your daughter. He has unfairly formed an horrible opinion about you and your husband from somewhere and she may be able to shed some light on this. Talk to her, first-let her know he's treating you and your husband unfairly and without reason and you both won't accept that disrespect. Be strong, be firm with her and ask her to talk to her bf..she brought him into your lives, into your family-she is responsible for correcting this situation. Let her know her bf doesn't have to necessarily like you both-but he better get his act together and show some common decency and respect for you, your husband and your home.
If this doesn't work, then let it go. I wouldn't write any letters. The problem isn't yours-it's her problem and his.
Hopefully your daughter will someday see the light and dump this guy, he sounds spoiled and controlling. Just my opinion..take it or leave it.
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reader, communicatrix +, writes (13 September 2005):
 It's commendable that you want to improve the relationship between yourself and your daughter's partner, but I'm not sure if a letter is the most efficient way doing this.
Before I initiated any kind of contact, I'd spend some time trying to identify why it is that he feels some animosity towards you. After all, it's a little odd that she's been with him for two years and you're just now discovering this dislike for you. How is that possible? Is he that good of an actor or are you and your husband perhaps a little unobservant?
Maybe start by thinking over the relationship you had with your in-laws. Why was it hostile? Did you feel like they were disapproving? Dismissive? Exclusionary? Put yourself in your in-law's shoes: how would you feel—honestly—if you were him? Would you feel completely loved and supported?
If, after some real reflection, you're still coming up dry, you might want to discuss the matter with your daughter, and/or bring it up with her boyfriend. But if you want a real response, and the authentic relationship you're describing, you'll have to create a safe and supportive space in which to be truthful.
Good luck to you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2005): As someone in the opposite situation- (my parents don't like my boyfriend) I think that your willingness to sort out this bad feeling is honourable. You haven't said why he doesn't like you or your husband, so if it's unprovoked there's always the chance that nothing you say will change things. However, if you explain that your actions are for the sake of your daughter, if he is a decent enough person and he loves her he will make the effort too. Either way I think it's probably worth a shot- if he rejects your attempts then at least no one can say you didn't try.
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