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male
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anonymous
writes: My wife and I have been married now for 6 years. We have a 3 year old son and a daughter who is almost a year old. Starting back when we were expecting our daughter, I noticed us to somewhat drift apart. At the time it was easy to dismiss it as being part of the emotions of expecting a child. As time when on the situation did not change. After we had our baby this distance was still evident, yet still easy to dismiss, this time being us getting used to the new addition in our lives. Now, with her soon to be a year old I am running out of excuses.I feel like our marriage is non-exisistant. We have a great family. But the intimate relationship with my wife seems to be gone. I work all day and my wife runs a home-daycare. When I get home and the other children go home, that is time for the family. We spend a ton of time with our kids playing reading etc. I love spending time with my family. It is just that by the time the kids go to sleep we are both usually pretty exhausted and end up going to sleep as well. I can't even remember the last time we had time for "us". We both love each other dearly and we love our family. However the intimate relationship I once had with my wife seems to be gone. To add frustration to the situation, we have ample opportunity to have "us" time. Our parents love watching the kids for a few hours on the weekend. The problem is is that when the do watch the kids we spend that time trying to catch up on chores and cleaning and stuff other stuff that needs to get done but is almost impossible to do when the kids are around.I really miss my wife. When throughout every evening my life is very fullfilled with my family. But when the kids go to sleep I feel alone. I have brought these feelings up to my wife several times and she seems to be very understanding and willing to help. However when the discussion ends and daily life resumes the attempts to fix things get overshadowed by need for sleep or need to clean and stuff like that. I love my life with me kids, I just am starting to feel like that in having kids and gaining so much from them I sacrificed the fantastic intimate relationship I once had with my wife. Most frustrating to me is that she really doesn't seem to notice or care about this. I understand my wifes point of view that or kids are most important, yet I wish she would see that giving us some time is important as well. Instead of her current view of well if everything else is done and we are still awake then we can have our time. I cannot even describe how much I miss my wife. I feel like she doesn't miss me and it saddens me a lot.What can I do? I feel like I have done everything possible yet I still feel alone. Reply to this Question
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reader, communicatrix +, writes (18 October 2005):
 From what I hear, you and your wife are in the majority and not the minority when it comes to post-baby togetherness. I can understand it: the demands of parenthood are overwhelming, especially when both parents work in addition to taking care of the house and kids.
I think there are two separate issues you need to deal with. The first is one of time and expectations. In other words, what are the expectations you have set for yourselves when it comes to the little bit of free time you have.
My first suggestion would be that you look to what you can eliminate or at least do less often when the grandparents (and thank god for those grandparents!) are minding the kids. Can you live with a house that's a little less clean and tidy, or hire someone to come in once or twice a month to do a major sweep? Can you streamline your errands and chores, pay your bills automatically, pool with other parents to take turns with stuff like grocery shopping, etc.? Can you implement systems or "hacks" to reduce work in the first place, e.g. a place for everything so things stay tidier to begin with, etc.?
Or can you get by on one income if you cut back, so your wife doesn't feel as exhausted and overwhelmed?
Because that's issue #2: how to you rekindle desire? There can be lots of reasons, and I'm not a parent so I haven't personally experienced the shift in thinking and feeling that comes with it, but I think you hit on it when you said "intimacy." Only I'm not using "intimacy" as a euphemism for sexual activity; I mean it as connecting, communicating, being each other's touchstones and confidantes. I'm guessing that B.C. (before children), you two had a lot more time just to talk, and that made you both feel much more connected to and intimate with one another, which in turn fosters sexual connection and intimacy.
You need time for that, too, and you're going to have to be a little patient with your wife as you work this through. It's easy for people to get really defensive when put on the spot about being a "good" this or that: wife, mother, lover, worker, etc. What I think will help you more is if you are kind and playful with your wife; if you can help relieve some of the pressure she may be feeling, that will make her feel lighter and more playful, reminding her of the way things used to be in a good, good way.
For instance, if you get a night off, make it fun -- a movie, some takeout, maybe a little wine -- but don't necessarily put sex on the menu. Leave it at "hey, let's just relax and blow off some steam and enjoy ourselves". I know you're itching for sex and there's nothing wrong with that, but she's apparently started having some negative associations, so you want to be reeeeeeally careful and gentle and non-pressuring about the reconnecting phase. Give her nothing to resist. Just be into her for a little while -- tell her she looks pretty but not in that way that makes women know IMMEDIATELY that you are just doing it to get something.
Obviously, on some level, that *is* why you're trying to reconnect with her. But you must have loved (and still miss) the non-sexual intimacy with your wife, too, so it's not like you're a complete liar.
It takes guts and patience to effect change, but I believe it can be done. Yes, at some point, your wife has to step up and do her 50% of the lifting. But for now, take the lead and do it for her. You'll both end up winning in the long run.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2005): I hope my future husband is as committed to me if Im ever married for 6 years. When I initially started reading through your problem, I was about to reply that you should look for a babysitter to have time alone but this doesnt seem to be working as you are doing chores instead of spending quality time together. If I was in your situation, I would send the kids to be minded, book a night in a hotel, as then you would be out of the house with no chores. Go to a restaurant and talk to eachother - make sure its a fun night and you concentrate on eachother - even laugh about old times. Maybe you could take up a hobby together - myself and my boyfriend play squash together which is fun. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2005): Dear, you both sound like wonderful parents but you must become 'lovers' again. You've likely just forgotten how due to the demands of family life. Relationships don't just lose their chemistry overnight. It takes years of neglect, not making the marriage a number one priority, not talking about your needs, not resolving and healing hidden resentments, and not actively learning how to make love work. All these unhealthy emotional habits are what takes a couple from feeling "in love" to feeling like roommates.
You both do deserve to have a marriage that grows in love, passion and connection, year after year. Can you get it back? Oh gosh, YES! IF both partners decide to do what it takes to rekindle the passion and learn some of the skills you were never taught about successful loving. Start by sitting down with your partner, taking her hands, and telling her how much you miss the physical and emotional closeness you used to share. (Believe me, she misses it too!) Without blaming her, tell her you want to work towards transforming your "comfortable " relationship into one that is intimate and exciting. Tell her she deserves more than she's getting, as you do. When you both recommit to learning how to love, research websites and book, visit a couple counselor and learn how to find renewed levels of communication, closeness and excitement. I wish you both well in rediscovering each other and take care,
Hugs,
Irish
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2005): hi, after i had my kids, with just a year apart, my husband and i were in the same position as you and your wife.
i see it from a womans perspective, she will be feeling many emotions at present, one of them being that she is tired and apathetic, due to the day to day runnings of caring for/ home. kids family/ domestic stuff.
secondly when some women have children they believe they have to be the best mother they can be, which is true of course, but they forget that they have the right to be sexual beings and that its ok to have time with hubby too.
try to help out as much as you can at home without taking on too much leaving her feeling she is doing a bad job.
let her know you love and lust after her, even if she isnt turning you on... women respond to being cared for and she may warm a bit.
try hard to arrange a weekend away, she will probs be reluctant at first and think she is letting the kids down.
remember to concentrate on your lovelife even before the kids, because if you dont what happened to me will happen to you... i dedicated 16 yrs of my life selflesly to my kids, now me and hubby have split, and the kids, now young adults still demand of me and im finding it hard to have a life outside my motherly duties.
and last of all... dont have an affair, as this will kill any love she has for you,
good luck
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reader, pops +, writes (17 October 2005):
Sit down and talk to your wife about SEX. You have beat about the bushes about it, which suggests you have a real problem talking about the subject. I bet your wife does too. You are adults, with healthy libidos, and you should have a regular sex life, so that the intimacy that has made you work together as parents does not burn out. You have to schedule time for each other, every day, if possible. If you are too exhausted in the evening to make love, then get together in the morning when you both wake up and are fresh. Take a shower together. Wash each other. Laugh and play. If you end up haveing sex in the bedroom, fine. If it happens in the bathroom, better yet. Lock the door to your room, and the bathroom, and tell the kids to go back to bed if they interrupt. Make time for each other. And, Make time for love making. You both need and deserve it. If you can find a neighbor to take the kids for an evening, in return for watching their kids while they have a night of each other, this can give you the breaks you need to both do the housework, and chase each other around the house.
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