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female
,
anonymous
writes: My bf and I don't have well-paying jobs at the moment and sometimes I get angry or frustrated when he expects me to pay for our outings--I just feel like guys have the privilege to enjoy a girl's company and should at least make the effort to pay for activities...although I could understand why it's difficult for both of us to keep up with money because I got to college and he has bills too--any advice on how to resolve this? thanx
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reader, communicatrix +, writes (10 October 2005):
 Pardon me for digressing ever so slightly, but I'd be a bad advice columnist if I let pass what I think is an excellent opportunity for you to re-examine your worldview.
Your note makes it sound like perhaps your boyfriend expects you to pay for *both* of you *every* time you go out; if that's true, I can understand that you'd be upset. As Rebecca pointed out relationships are about sharing, not about one person acting as a wallet (or cleaning person, or whatever) for the other.
But let's take a step back and look at the big picture: on the one hand, you're saying that a gentleman should pay for the privilege of a lady's company. I'm not saying you're wrong yet; I'm saying that's what *you're* saying.
If you do believe in the old paradigm, however, you need to be consistent. In the old-fashioned world of boy-pays-for-girl, girl stayed home and took care of boy...and boy's house, children and possessions, of which she herself was one. Boy *had* to pay for girl because girl was not allowed to go to college or get a job or own her own house, car, stuff.
Also, boy was in charge. Girl had to do whatever boy said. She was, in the letter of the law, quite literally his possession once they were married.
I understand your frustration over living in changing times. The rules are kind of jumbled up right now as we move from an old way of doing and looking at things to a new one.
But you do live in this new world, and along with its privileges there are attendant responsibilities.
You're a smart, young, college-educated lady. You should be proud that you *can* pay for yourself, or even treat your boyfriend every now and then.
In other words, I don't think the problem that needs to be solved is between you and your boyfriend—I think it's between the way you were raised to think about things and the way you should be looking at them now.
Because really, you aren't spending all that time and money on an education just to be an ornament on someone's arm...are you?
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (10 October 2005):
 Nobody can take advantage of you unless you allow it. Tell your boyfriend he has to split the costs.
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A
reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (10 October 2005):
 Going dutch would be the best way whereby you share the cost of outgoings.
Talk to your boyfriend about finances and explain that it would be a struggle for you to pay for everything when you are out and suggest that you share the cost. Relationships are about sharing; one person shouldn't pay for all even for the privilege of someone else's company.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2005): I BELEIVE THAT YOU ARE MAKING A ROD FOR YOUR OWN BACK. KEEP PAYING TAKING HIM OUT LENDING HIM MONEY IT BECOMES EXPECTED AND THE DAY YOU SAY NO WILL BE THE DAY IT BLOWS UP IN YOUR FACE. YOU ARE IN A RELETIONSHIP TOGETHER AND YOU SHOULD APPRICATE EACH OTHER NOT THINK HE SHOULD BE GRATFUL FOR YOUR COMPANY OR VICE VICER. YOU HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION AND STICK TO IT. THE BEST LESSONS IN LIFE ARE LEARNT THE HARD WAY. KEEP YOUR MONEY TO YOURSELF AND HIS THE SAME WAY APART FROM BILLS SPLIT THEM 50 50 AND IF HE DOES NOT WANT TO TELL HIM TO GET THE HELL OUT OF THE HOUSE UNTILL HE IS PREPARED TO BE A MAN. YOU ARE HIS GIRLFRIEND NOT MOTHER AND IF HE WANTS A FREE RIDE HE SHOULD GO TO HIS PARENTS. YES HE SHOULD TAKE YOU OUT AND TREAT YOU WELL AND OCCASSIOALY YOU SHOULD DO NICE THINGS FOR HIM SO HE KNOWS YOU APPRECIATE HIM
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A
female
reader, Rommana +, writes (10 October 2005):
Theres alot of things couples can do without having to spend money - but i can understand your frustrations - your BF should at least pay for half of the outing then neither one of you is left too short,it's not one persons responsibilitie - it's both gone our the days when men paid for things only.But you should just be direct with your BF and explain things to him the last thing you want is to bottle it up and when it does come out ,it comes out all wrong.Plus i'm sure you'll find a good job when you have left college and there's always weekend work.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2005): Since you both aren't financially well off at the time, get rid of the expensive outings. Try to find alternatives which would save you two both money. Keep it simple and cheap. Go on a hike together, visit the park, have a picnic, stay at home (cook, movie, cuddle), etc..
You shouldn't feel it's a privilege for him to enjoy your company. Each person should enjoy each other's company without conditions.
Maybe plan only to go on outings once a week. There are ways around this. Don't let money get in the way of your relationship.
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A
reader, wwww.datinghaven.com +, writes (10 October 2005):
get rid of him
get rid of the sexist stereotype that guys SHOULD and MUST pay for BOTH - you should pay for your own, he is not showing you any RESPECT by expectign you to help him out, go TALK to HIM
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