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writes: I am a 42 year old married woman. I have fallen in love with a man 16 years my junior and he loves me too. We don't know what to do about it. I can't bear the thought of him being with anyone else, but neither of us wants to hurt my husband who is a good kind man. Please someone help us with out judging us. How can we be together and not hurt so many people???
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2008): It is not possible to love someone and cheat on them. It means you don't care. Man or woman. Have the guts to admit it to them and let them decide. There is no judging on my part. If you love them you don't cheat on them. If you only " care" for them then you shouldn't be married.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2007): Well I guess you got your answer or should I say it`s still developing?!!? you left your husband who did you no harm to get knocked up by your lusting lover????! And in two years you`re happy??? It` takes years girl to figure out people no matter how blind in love you are. Give yourself 5 years before you decide you`re blissfully in love. Every relationship has that "I`m in Love" period. I`m in love with my husband as he is to me and makes it obvious.And ... I love him. Makes a difference.
.....Oh I LOVE THAT NECLACE....OH I JUST GOTTA HAVE IT NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT COST !!! You`re the one that shouldn`t be trusted by this young man. After all you`re the cheater... Who`s to say you think your stud boy is so very great and kind but there`s this other who really loves me..........? I bet your ex loved it to find out you got knocked up... at your age...by your "toyboy"... Love I think not...See if your young stud can handle his sons teenage years and don`t veer off to find that a pretty face is paying attention to him and he likes it because it strays from the home life of an older woman and a teenager. So to all us cinics??!!!... as u say. At least we KNOW when you have something good.... ya keep it for goodness sakes...heh heh heh. With all that said I do hope you look further into the future and not the "here and now", of some of the possibilities down the road. Don`t ask the public for their honest opinions if you can`t be honest to yourself.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 July 2007): well I hope your happy with your younger man. But most of all I hope your ex husband is happier and didn't suffer too much heartache when you decided to leave him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am now married to my younger man and we have a son. To the idiot that asked if my younger man would still be with me when I am 55: Go to hell. To those of you who told me not to do it; hmm you were wrong too. To those asking me if they should do the same thing in their situation: I say no....Alot of pain soul searching and heartache went into this decision, it worked out for me but I would not choose to go thru it again. I am still in love and happily married to my 28 year old husband and have been now for almost two years. We are great so all you cinics and bite our butts.........Please dont comment to my question anymore any of you I have all my answers and I have my man now but thanks so much anyway.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2007): You cannot do this. I understand because I have the same agony. I have a good loving Husband and a younger good loving best friend, both of whom I love dearly.My friend so honorable though that he prevented me from sex with him.No kisses, only hugs and talks and sometimes not those. He loves me dearly but we both know we cannot do this. My friend said my husband is his friend too and I cannot be greedy and have them both. He toots my husband's horn and that helps me see how great my hubby is.Still very tough but slowly and surely I am loving my friend differently and appreciating and loving my husband more.Many tears and still struggling but we are all 3 strong in the Lord and must depend on God to sustain us.Husband pretty much has figured out I love my friend but is patiently allowing me time. He stated that at least we both had respect for him and did not just run wild and rough shod over him.So sweet.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2007): Is the other guy is younger and performing better and you're in love with him then you should press Eject and follow your heart!Good luck!
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female
reader, zelda  +, writes (1 April 2007):
I see your question was posted a couple of years ago - curious what you decided to do. I too am in love with a younger man by 16 years. I'm married, I love my husband, he is a kind man, but much older and no longer satisfies my needs - emotionally, or physically. I think about leaving him, but ..............
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2007): Do you really think he will be with you when your 55? Come and wake up.
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reader, pops +, writes (17 September 2005):
You haven't told us what is lacking in your marriage that has driven you to find a lover. Get some professional marriage couseling, or sex counseling, if that is relevant. Once you get your bearings from the counselor, you can invite your husband to attend, too. Then, see if the counseling can't help get you what you want from your husband, instead of your lover. You married your husband for good reasons. If the relationship needs work, work on it. Starting on a new relationship is like stopping digging one foxhole to dig another. Its not the way to get your head down below the line of fire.
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female
reader, Delila +, writes (17 September 2005):
Answer in a nut shell YOU CAN'T! You said it yoourself you are a married woman! Think back to the vows you made on the day that your husband was the only man in your life. Look at the photos, close your eyes and remember that feeling that you had in your belly as you were pronounced man and wife. Then go and give your husband a kiss and a hug and breathe in his smell as you nuzzle his neck. What you have with this man is all you need, or else what is a vow?
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reader, communicatrix +, writes (17 September 2005):
 I don't think there's anyway you can ensure that no one will be hurt. People's feelings are their own to have, and there's nothing we can do to control them.
If you want to avoid hurting your husband, then you probably have to suck it up, let this lover go and never, ever mention his existence to your husband. Even then, there's a chance your husband could find out someday and that he'd be hurt
If you decide not to stay in the marriage, I think the kindest thing to do is to leave first and be with your lover after, and not to use him as the reason you are ending the marriage.
But please make very, very sure about this before you make a move. Frankly, I'm concerned because certain details in your letter indicate feelings that seem more like attachment than love: the thought of his being with anyone else being a motivator, for example, doesn't really bode well for this new relationship.
My humble suggestion would be to say goodbye to your lover for a mutually-agreed-upon amount of time: six monts, a year, whatever you decide. But make it a decent chunk of time. During that time, have no contact with one another, not even non-sexual in nature, and focus your attention on your marriage...and yourself. Maybe go into talk therapy, do some journaling.
If, after that time has elapsed, you both still feel the same way, you'll be better equipped to bow out of the marriage with some grace and kindness.
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